BLACK love matters!!! PERIODT
In Episode 004 of the Naked Proverbs podcast Rich and Nik Scott define Black love, discuss why it matters and share where you can find it.
Nik: Welcome back to the Naked Proverbs podcast where we unclothe the truth about Black love, family and marriage. My name is Nik Scott, one of your hosts, and I'm here with my husband
Rich: What’s going on. It's your boy Rich, and today we are going to talk about Black love
Nik: Right at the beginning of every episode we have to let our listeners and know that we are not licensed therapists or counselors. I think a few episodes ago I said, we are experts. Yes, we're definitely experts because they say that it takes 10,000 hours in order to become an expert and we have way more than 10,000 hours in this thing.
Rich: Hold on.
I'm going to tell you exactly how many hours we got. Okay. Yeah. Well, it won't be exact because I'm not going to know exactly what time we got married, but we have 18 years. Whoa. Let me start over. Let me start over. Okay. There are 24 hours in a day.
Nik: 24 hours in a day,
Rich: And there are how many days in a year?
Nik: Three 65
Rich: So, in a year you should be able to get 8,760 hours. How many years we've been married?
Rich: Oh, so multiply that by 18 we have 157,680 hours of experience of marriage.
Nik: So, we're like experts.
Rich: Times 15
Nik: Times 15. We have a lot of experience, and so we just love coming on here, sharing our advice and our experiences over the last 18 years of marriage.
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Rich: As always, we want to take a moment and say thank you. You know, we actually were looking at some numbers and some reviews today, and I can't believe that we are in week four. And we have had the number of views that we've had, the number of shares. So, thank you for your support.
I truly appreciate it and my wife truly appreciates it and it motivates us to get in here and make this happen every week.
Nik: And I'd like to give a special shout out to all of our listeners out in the UK and our home state of Colorado, particularly those of y'all that are listening from Commerce City.
We see y’all!
Rich: If you've been paying attention at all to the news, you have probably seen the scandal that's going on.
Nik: Scandal? You ain't talking about the Kerri Washington scandal with President Grant Fitzgerald
Rich: Oh no. We talking about parents paying for their kids to go to college.
Nik: Is it a scandal though?
Rich: I have mixed emotions about it. And I would say, you know, I partially I feel like. When you have done well for yourself and you have the opportunity to try to help your children, most parents are probably going to take that opportunity if possible. Now, I also feel like just because you have a lot of money doesn't mean that you should be able to buy your way into anything and everything when you have competition for people that don't have that kind of money necessarily, because then what it creates is this type of environment where you have to have and have nots kinda thing.
Nik: But that's what America is.
I don't really feel conflicted about it. I don't understand why it's such a hot topic. We have a child that's college bound in the next year…
Rich: Get out.
Nik: and, for me, it's like if I had the means to create this opportunity for her would I? And what we're specifically talking about in this particular scandal is financial means, yes, we don't have those types of financial means yet.
However, we do have connections with at least two of the colleges that she's applied to, very high up connections. And does that mean that we should not leverage our access and
Rich: And I think that reality is, like you said, in America, it happens every day.
And right now, this is what everybody's talking about. But it happens all the time. And the sad thing is, is if there's two spots open for a student and one parent can buy a new building on campus and have it named after their family, and the other one can just pay tuition, or maybe they are on financial aid.
Uh, the likelihood of the student debt can't do anything more than pay tuition or get financial aid to get accepted. Over the student whose parents are like, hey, I'm gonna give you $1 million or more, is pretty slim. And I think that that's a harsh reality that people don't want to face. But that is America.
Nik: It is America. To me, it is what it is because as a parent, I feel like it's part of our job to make sure that our children have the opportunities and the access that we didn't have. Because let's be clear, my parents didn't have any type of access like what we're talking about in terms of financial access or even knowing people at higher levels at the universities that I applied to.
Your story's a little different.
Rich: My parents didn't have no money. I got student loans still don't play. If you sittin there like, you don't have no student loans, I'm gonna need you to stop faking. We all have them.
Nik: We all have them.
Rich: But at the end of the day. I think as a parent, I would have to agree.
I would probably pay off a school, but I think if I had $1 million, I'd probably just invest that and let my child go start a business and make more money. But that's another topic.
Nik: We're talking about people like Felicity Huffman who has multimillions of dollars, right? So, $1 million to her or $2 million that's nothing. For people like us, you know? We're not Felicity Huffman rolling yet. Not today.
Rich: Not today.
Nik: Maybe tomorrow. But when we are, like I said, I don't see anything wrong with that. I really don't see anything wrong with it. I don't understand why it's such big news. These types of things been going on for decades and it's going to continue to go on.
And just because they busted a couple of few little folks doesn't mean that it's going to stop and it's not going to change. And I don't see anything wrong with it, and I don't feel any kind of way about it. Do what you gotta do to make sure that your kids are set up for the success that they want and the success that you know that they deserve.
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Rich: Our topic today is Black love. What is Black love?
Nik: Black love is a lot of things to me, at its most basic state or definition, this is the Nik Scott version, is it's simply when two Black people love each other
Rich: Black Love? Isn’t that a show by Oprah?
Nik: Yeah. I think there's a show called Black Love on OWN.
Rich: Okay, well that's not what I'm talking about. Cause I've never even watched that. But I'm sorry, Oprah. Don't be mad at me. I haven't watched it because I don't have OWN, not because I don't support you, Oprah. So, if you want to give us some money, be a patron, be my friend, pay for my kids to go to college just come by and say, what's up? Invite me or my wife to a, that little annual luncheon thing you have. I saw the Obama's were there, I believe, but if you want to do any of that. Hey, we down. We love you, Oprah,
Nik: We love you, and we've been in the same room with the Obama's before, so it won't be nothing new for us to be in the room with the Obamas.
Rich: They know me. They just don't know they know me. That's right. Back to Black love.
What is Black love? To me, Black love is perseverance. Black love is beauty. Black love is normal. Black love is passion. It's excitement. It's what I grew up seeing every day in my own parents. And Black love is what I try to have with my wife every second of every day.
So, when we talk about what is Black love, I think that it's one of those things where it's like, is it really a real definition? We can define the word Black. We can define the word love. But Black love, I think is something that is so unique and so important to society itself that it doesn't even have a definition.
Nik: We posted on our Instagram a couple of days ago, a graphic and it basically says that love is not just a feeling. It is something you do. So, to me, when we're talking about love and we're talking about Black love, we're talking about showing support for your partner. Uplifting your partner, respecting your partner, and loving them in the way that they need to be loved.
And for me, this goes way deeper than those five little love languages. And yes, I said lil love languages that, uh, people talk about all the time, you know, the gifts, the acts of service, the words of affirmation, physical touch, and quality time. Okay. I think that's great that we have these divisions of what a love language is, but to me, what the five love language does, those five little love languages, what it does is it really encourages people, spouses to focus on just one way to love their spouse, right? And I don't think there is one way to love your spouse. We are dynamic people, multifaceted people, and what I need from you today might be different than what I need from you tomorrow, right?
So, for me, I think that the love for your spouse, it should encompass various levels of all of the love languages that I just described a few seconds ago.
Rich: And I think that, you know, like you were saying, the love languages, while those are nice references those are not the only ways to love your spouse. You know, if you've had a rough day at work, and I come home and I cook a meal so that you can come home to a home cooked meal, that's not a gift. That's not a touch. That's not a word. That's not an affirmation and it's not whatever the last one is, but it's a way for me to show my love to you. It's a way for you to feel appreciated and to feel that, you know what? I had a hard day. But this man that says he loves me, understands, and he's here for me. And I think that that's very important.
And especially when we're talking about Black love, because we as Black people every day we go out into this world and we deal with things that other people can't relate to or understand even if they want it to. And that is a fact whether anybody wants to accept it or not, we wake up every day and we have to put on our mask to go live in a world that doesn't want to love us, doesn't want to accept us. So, when I have my Black warrior queen that I can depend on to hold me up because I'm on my knees, I can't stand no more…when I have those days where I've just been persecuted from start to finish, you can relate and you can understand.
And to me that kind of falls into, you know, our next little piece about why does it matter? Why does Black love matter?
Nik: I think you did a very excellent job of telling the people why Black love matters.
Our experiences in this country specifically, and as we start to travel the world and visit other countries in the world, our experiences are shared and they're common. There's not a lot of differences between the experience that a Black man and a Black woman have in Bermuda, where the majority of the Island is Black people.
Their experience is still the same. They still have those commonalities. So, I think that that this is the main reason why Black love is important because when we're talking about showing people and doing things to show your spouse that you love them. You have to understand what they're going through. If you don't understand them, how can you really truly do things to show and to demonstrate your love for your spouse?
Rich: When I think about why does it matter? Why does Black love matter? I am in the United States, so my experiences are deeply rooted in my experiences in the United States, and I think about from the very first moment that our ancestors placed their feet on these grounds here in the United States marriage, Black love has been attacked more so than any other culture in the United States, more than any other people in the United States.
From separation during slavery to emasculation preventing our Black men from protecting our Black women. From separating families and taking children and putting them on a different plantation. From mothers not been able to do anything to protect their children, to provide for their children, men watching their women being raped, and there was nothing they could do about it.
It has impacted what Black love is, and that's why it matters because we have persevered so much. How can we then not want to be together? How can we not want to continue to push forward together…
Nik: As a unit, as a partnership? One thing that. Bothers me just a little. Um, when it comes to Black love and why it matters is the images that we're seeing in the media, right?
What we're seeing on TV, more and more, we're seeing portrayals of interracial couples, and specifically we're seeing more and more images of Black women with non-Black men. And to me, the problem with that, it goes along with the effort in our society in this country to erase Black men from the Black family.
It's something that has been happening, as you pointed out a few seconds ago, since slavery. It's an effort that happened in the 80s when the governments infested the Black communities with crack cocaine and hauled our men off to jail in droves. It happened when they bombed on us soil—two times in this country—but United States government bombed our own Black people in Black communities. So, for me, why does it matter? It matters because we need each other.
Rich: We do. You know, I think that the examples you gave though, they show our resilience when two people like you and I can be madly in love, but it's not just about Black people.
It's important for society to see that we too love. We too are human. We too have families. We are just like anyone else. We are not the animals that sometimes we are portrayed to be. We're not men that don't take care of our children and don't marry Black women as much as society would try to paint that picture.
Statistically speaking, those are false hoods, and unfortunately, no one's telling that. No one is actually telling the truth. Everyone is saying there's no Black men out there. Well, first of all, there's already. Fewer men and women in the world. So, if that's the case, and then we are imprisoning more Black men more than any anyone else, then of course there are fewer Black men to be married.
But guess what? That does not mean that all Black men are out marrying people, women of non-color, because that's not true. And I even think of, you know, when we were younger and we watched shows like the Cosby show. And I know that's, you know, people got their thing about Bill and I understand, but at the end of the day, he was a positive image of Black family, of a husband and a wife even, you know, a few years later, and we had my wife and kids, you're about to say that?
Rich: Okay. But we have had in the past. These images of the Black family and of Black love. But now as we started off talking about scandal, that's what we see so often is Black women being overly sexualized with some white man. And I'm not knocking that if that's your thing, but I need people to understand that that's not reality.
Black women are not out here just giving it up to anybody they see. They are not just spreading eagle for everything that walks by, like, let's stop allowing our Black women to be treated like they are some sexual object because they are not. And let's stop treating our Black men like they are absentee fathers and absentee men because that is not true.
If we don't speak our own truth and we continue to let others tell what they believe to be truth, then we will never really know what the truth is.
Nik: That's right. It is my belief and it is my experience that Black people, why does Black love matter? Because we are some of the strongest, most intelligent people on the planet.
And I would argue that with anybody when it comes to mating and creating the next generations of Black people, it's important for us to preserve the integrity of the fiber of that fabric.
Rich: We've talked about what Black love is, we've talked about why it matters, but how do you even find Black love cause people, you know, I do have friends that asked me, well man, you just got lucky and, I used to think, yeah, I did get lucky. But after talking to my wife, I've come to realize that it's not just luck.
Nik: Luck is part of it. Luck is part of it. And I'm gonna tell y'all how I found mine, and this is what I suggest. If it's too late for you, I'm sorry, encourage your kids, but go to an HBCU, go to an historically Black college and university where the majority of the people at that school are going to be Black, the men and the women. Is there a shortage of Black men on the Black college campus? Absolutely, because as my husband so eloquently spoke about earlier, they're already, by the time they get to college age, they're already in jail. They're already dead. So yes, there's going to be some slim pickings, but the pickings that are slim are also pickings that are Black
Rich: And they're pickings that are good.
Let's be real…
Rich: It's not just that, but these are men that are choosing to change the trajectory of their lives.
Rich: So, let's not assume that they're all bad men that they're all coming from the hood or they're all poor because that's not reality. There are some men that go to college that are coming from wealth.
There are Black men that are going to college, that are a part of a legacy that are trying to continue that legacy and they want to continue it with women that look like their mother. They want to continue it with women that they know will hold them up. That will push them forward. That will make them better because those women have been through what they've been through. And sometimes worse.
So, you know, I think you can fall in love at an HBCU. You can fall in love at church. You can fall in love with the young woman or the young man down the block from you. But reality is if you go seeking in places that don't have what you're looking for, you're probably not going to find it.
I'm not going to find gold. If I'm looking in a place that produces diamonds and I'm not going to find diamonds if I'm looking in a place I can't go get in the river and paying for diamonds.
Nik: No, you can't, but I think I need you to break that down just a little bit more because I hear you speaking in innuendo.
I hear you hinting at something.
Rich: What I'm saying is I can't go to the country bar. That's full of white people, Hispanics, Asians Americans, whoever, and expect to find a Black Queen. I can't because if, if there are no Black Queens in the environments that I'm placing myself, how can I say that I'm looking for a Black Queen?
Nik: You can't. How can you say that you are seeking a husband that looks like you, but every place you go is a place that you would never find a Black man anyway. So, does that mean that you know you can't fall in love with who you fall in love with? I'm a firm believer that people fall in love with who you want to fall in love with.
Rich: Yup. The keyword here is who you want to fall in love with. I chose to go to an HBCU and I was surrounded by beautiful Black women and I fell in love with one and married her. If I went to a predominantly white institution where there are fewer Black women could I have still fallen in love with a Black woman and married her and live this great life?
There's the possibility. My point is, at the end of the day, if you aren't seeking a Black man or a Black woman, how can you marry a Black man or Black woman? If you've already in your mind said, a Black man is not for me. A Black woman is not for me. If you've already eliminated that possibility, then there is no way in hell that you are going to marry a Black man or a Black woman.
If you have allowed society to paint a picture that all Black men are thugs and they don't take care of their spouses and are all these horrible things, or Black women are mean and loud and hold you accountable, or whatever your issue is, because I'm going to tell you now, Black men, if you want to be married to a Black woman, you need to be a strong Black man because Black women ain't weak.
I'm just going to put that out there. That if you don't have a Black woman, I kind of sometimes question maybe your own personal strength is lacking, but that's just my own personal view because like I said, people fall in love with who they fall in love with.
Nik: Wow. I don't think that part was in our notes.
Rich: It may not have been. I think the spirit took over. My ancestors were speaking through me cause they was feeling offended.
Nik: We are a people that are moved by the spirit, but. Really, truly, and honestly, what you said was beautiful and it was all true. And there is not a single bit of that that I could add to or argue with.
We have to understand, and we have to know with conviction that there is nothing wrong with being with a person who looks like you. Black people. I'm talking to y'all. There's nothing wrong with it. We have all of these ideas in our heads when it comes to colorism and hair texture and eye color. I've heard it way too many times and it saddens me.
It really saddens me to hear a Black woman say, I want to marry or have a baby with X other besides Black man because I want light-skin babies. Because I want my babies to have good hair because I want my babies to have light eyes. That type of self-hatred…we have to understand that there is nothing wrong with us.
There's nothing wrong with us. We are made in the image of the creator period and point blank.
Rich: We must love ourselves. When we started to write out our schedule of topics for our podcast. Why I married Black was the original title, and I couldn't come to grips with that. I struggled with that because I cared too much about what other people might think, what people could say.
What other listeners might feel about why we had that conversation. But the more that I've had the opportunity to study and understand the importance of marrying Black, of Black love, the more I don't really care if someone else doesn't agree because this is my opinion for one, but for two, I personally truly believe that it matters.
And if we as Black people are afraid to speak our truth, if we as Black people are afraid to love ourselves, if we as Black people can't say it's okay to love each other, it is okay to have Black love. It is okay to marry Black. It is okay for us to blaze our own path. Then we're in trouble. Because if we can't do that, no one else is going to fight these battles for us.
No one else is going to speak up. You are not going to turn on your national news and hear anyone up to the president or below saying marry Black, because that's what's really good for you. You are not going to hear anyone else saying, hey, your Black women are going to stand by you no matter what. So, you know what?
I as a Black man, I'm saying just that. And if you don't agree with it, if you don't like it, that's okay because, well, like I said, this is my opinion and it's also my podcast. Well, it's ours…
Nik: We want to thank you again so much for tuning in to this week's episode. We want you to truly have a happy marriage.
We want you to continue to thrive in your marriages and indulge in your Black spouses on a regular basis. Don't forget to subscribe to this podcast on whatever podcasting platform you listen to your podcast son. Share this podcast with a friend, and let's continue the discussion in the comment section.
We'll talk to y'all next week.