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I'm NOT PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO YOU anymore...


In Episode 022 of the Naked Proverbs podcast, Rich and Nik Scott discuss the importance of staying physically attractive in your marriage.



Nik:

Welcome back to the Naked Proverbs podcast where we unclothe the truth about Black love family and marriage. My name is Nik Scott, one of your hosts. And as always, I am here with my handsome husband,

Rich:

What's going on? It's your boy Rich. And today we are talking about physical attraction.

Nik:

Right at the beginning of every episode, we always remind you that we are not trained, licensed, or professional therapists or counselors. We've been married for nearly two decades and Naked Proverbs is our platform to share our stories, our experience, our advice and our opinions.

Rich:

And how fine we are.

Nik:

If you're watching the video podcast. If you haven't already, make sure that you're following the Naked Proverbs on whatever platform you listen to your podcast on. And, if you like what you hear, show us your love and support by giving us a five-star rating on iTunes or whatever platform you are currently listening on.

Rich:

As always, we like to start out by saying thank you to our listeners. Thank you for tuning in. And thank you for being a part of our journey.

Nik:

Speaking of our listeners, did you know that we have listeners in over 12 different countries?

Rich:

12 countries?

Nik:

Countries.

Rich:

Not states?

Nik:

Not states.

Rich:

Countries.

Nik:

Yes, we are international.

Rich:

I'm international baby.

Nik:

International.

Rich:

Better get on board. Understand.

Nik:

Thank you so much for tuning in. We appreciate y'all.

Rich:

Man. have you been paying attention to the news?

Nik:

You know, I don't watch the news.

Rich:

So, you know, our very own princess in the frog.

Nik:

Our real life Tiana?

Rich:

Yes, our real life Tiana is trying to break away from the royals. They trying to leave.

Nik:

Well, good. I mean, here's the thing. We are weekly podcasts. And sometimes over the week, certain stuff blows up, and we don't get a chance to talk about it until the following recording. So, even though this might be some old news, some folks

Rich:

No. It ain't old news in England. I just read this morning, how the queen is still really not on board with this disrupter of divorce

Nik:

Who's the disrupter?

Rich:

Well, and I think that's the key here. Sometimes. You can have a situation where stuff's been done a certain way for so long, that people believe it's the right way. But then when somebody be like, man, you know what, you're gonna kill my wife like you did my mama. Y'all ain't about to be stressing her out and driving her off no cliff, like we out. So, that's a disrupter. Like that is not the Royal way.

Nik:

I saw a comment on social media. That accurately reflects all of my thoughts. So, instead of trying to re articulate everything that I think about it,

Rich:

You gonna put it on Patreon?

Nik:

No. I'm going to read it.

Rich:

Just thought maybe our patrons should get some special.

Nik:

Our patrons get things special all the time. If you're not a patron, you missing out because there's always some good stuff on Patreon that you're missing out on if you're not a patron. But this young woman let me find it here.

Rich:

While you're looking for it. I, did you find it?

Nik:

I got it.

Rich:

Okay, then I never mind.

Nik:

I got it. So, my young sister, I'm assuming she's young based on her profile picture Demetria L. Lucas. Girl, if you listenin,

Rich:

You bout to get quoted

Nik:

I'm quoting you. This was on Facebook. I saw this. She said, I have never in life seen so many people mad about two grown ass people who want to work things out. This is worse than when LeBron went to Miami. Laughing emoji. The raging racism compounded with sexism toward Megan is astounding. A lot of folks are really mad that this Black woman refuses to be treated bad and that her own husband is willing to literally leave and cleave, a biblical principle to protect her. If you got a raggedy husband that won't protect you, that's a you problem. And if you're a raggedy ass husband that won't protect your wife that's a y'all problem. That ain't got shit to do with cousin Megan. Sheesh, I also find it entirely amusing how all his adult life Harry has been thought of as cheeky and rebellious. But somehow this whole entire peace out must be solely Megan's idea and he's just some ball less man blindly following. Stop it. Folks refuse to believe two grown ass married ass people in a union worked in unison to make a decision together because they wanted out. I love this whole thing. They've been executing it for months. The Royals are on some, this isn't finished. We're still in talks. Meanwhile, Megan's already dipped back to Canada. There are so many things in that excerpt that Demetria wrote that applies so specifically to this Megan Markel thing. A) the way that these two are married and they are working together, they obviously didn't come up with this overnight. This is something that they've talked about together and she's choosing to leave because these people have been bullying her and attacking her the whole time she's been there.

Rich:

I also read a small snippet of what someone had to say. And what I found interesting was they were basically saying that what Megan is facing is what Black women face all the time, which is getting all the blame placed on them, which is basically what you were reading, you know, parts of it. And in this situation, it's like, because they are an interracial couple things are looked at differently. I think, I believe, because if Megan was married to an African American man, a European Black man, a person of color, and I mean, because unfortunately, we probably don't have a whole lot of positions royalty out there but was in a position of power. And they decided to step away from the family business step away from the limelight and go do their own thing. It wouldn't even be real news. No one would care. But because they're interracially married, that plays a factor as well. And I think that people want to downplay it, because by actually addressing it and speaking about it, it points out that she's been dealing with some racism, she's been dealing with some things that, like I said earlier, two Black people probably wouldn't be dealing with honestly.

Nik:

that is such good stuff that you bring to the table because

Rich:

I agree.

Nik:

I bet you do. Because one thing that has remained the same throughout history up until present time, is that white folks believe that they have some type of authority in controlling Black bodies. And the fact that all these white folks in England could not control Megan, the fact that they perceive that her husband, a white male can't control her. That's a problem. I think it goes back to what Demetria was saying in her excerpt that I read that these people work together as a married couple, and the tribulations and the trials that they're going to face as an interracial couple, this is just the beginning. Like this, this is just the beginning.

Rich:

And I think that those trials and tribulations it's not just because the Royals, I mean, I think everybody's putting the focus on that because that's the easy thing to latch on to. But Like you said, if this was any other couple, even like if this was Barack Obama and Michelle Obama, the most powerful couple, Black couple that I've ever seen on this earth, right. And, Michelle, because, first of all, I don't want to keep saying like Megan made this decision because we don't know what the conversation was. We don't know why they decided to step away and to do something different. But if Michelle, because since everybody's blaming Megan, let's, hypothetically we don't blame Michelle,

Nik:

It's always the Black woman's fault. It's always our fault.

Rich:

if she told Barack, you know what, after the first four years of his amazing presidency, she said, you know what, this ain't gonna work. We are walking away from being in this position. Would it really be this big of a deal? Would it be making a national news? Would everybody be talking about it? I don't think that they would. I think that a lot of racist white folk will be happy. They would have been happy if the Obamas would have stepped down after one term. And it wouldn't have made national news outside of the fact that he was the president stepping down. But no one would have been like, oh, Michelle made this happen. They would have thought, oh, you know, Barack had enough, or he can't handle it. He's not smart enough, they would have blamed the Black man in that situation. But in this situation, it's easy to blame her.

Nik:

Because we're always wrong. We're always the aggressors, we're always the initiators. In reality, it could have been Harry that wanted to protect his wife from the bullying, from the constant negative, like who wants to live in constant negative energy. And my husband would want to protect me from that. So, why wouldn't Harry want to protect his wife, the mother of his child from, from being beat down emotionally and psychologically. And being abused. What husband wouldn't want to protect his wife from abuse?

Rich:

Any husband that doesn’t, or wouldn't there should be issue with that. So, you know, I applaud y'all. You know, I'll give you some snaps and some claps. For all of you that want to hear more about how we feel and our thoughts on black love and marriage, specifically, the importance of it. Go ahead and check out one of our old episodes. Episode, I don't know.

Nik:

It's called Black love matters, period.

Rich:

And I think this is a prime example of why we had that episode.

You're listening to the Naked Proverbs podcast with Rich and Nik Scott. If you like what you're hearing, show your support by becoming a patron. All of our patrons receive exclusive benefits, like behind the scenes content, access to bonus audio, and Naked Proverbs merchandise. To learn more and to become a patron, visit the Naked Proverbs Patreon page www.patreon.com/nakedproverbs

Rich:

She ain't as fine as she used to be, boy

Nik:

Who? I know you're not talking about me?

Rich:

I know. You're right. You're right. Yeah, you still got it. You got it even better than you did because you didn't growed up a little bit now.

Nik:

Yeah, like a fine wine, baby.

Rich:

But reality is there are some people out there that have been married for a long time. Some people that have been married for a short time, that are no longer physically attracted to their spouse. They have lost it.

Nik:

That's too bad. That is too bad. You and I had conversations jokingly when we were first married.

Rich:

I wasn't joking.

Nik:

Joking but serious, right. Like, let's be clear. Both of us have our, have a certain level of vanity about our personalities. I like to look good.

Rich:

I do look good. Next.

Nik:

And I want you to look good. Like I would not have married you if you weren't as fine as you are.

Rich:

You used to say you didn't want no man with no cotton hair.

Nik:

That's for real. It wasn't cotton hair. It was carpet hair.

Rich:

Carpet hair. Cotton hair is about the same.

Nik:

And the crazy thing is, is when we married you were bald, so I had no idea what kind of hair you had.

Rich:

That's funny.

Nik:

Until later in life. I thought about I'm like, I don't want no man, with no carpet hair.

Rich:

What does that even mean?

Nik:

You know what carpet hair is.

Rich:

Is that like A hair, level A hair,

Nik:

Oh, you mean like hair type?

Rich:

B hair, C hair.

Nik:

It's like, I don't even know if it's on the hair type scale kind of hair that I was talking about. But no, seriously, we had this thing when we were younger and we still kind of refer back to it now. Where we would say, I would say 20 years from now I ain't going to be the zero in the number 10. Because you know as couples age and they're married for a long time, they be walking around looking like a number 10 where one person is all thin and skinny usually the man, and then the woman be all round and fluffy and she the zero. Well, I ain't, we ain't bout to be no number 10.

Rich:

And they look like the number 10. I see what you're saying. But we have been the double oh, before.

Nik:

I never been no zero.

Rich:

Girl, when we was in Hawaii, we was kind of round.

Nik:

I was round. I'll post some pictures of us,

Rich:

No, you won't.

Nik:

Yes, I will.

Rich:

You said I'm vain. And now you're gonna show some people sometimes when I was not as nice as I look now.

Nik:

Look, I think our patrons deserve to see some of this background information that we're talking about.

Rich:

I'll let y'all see it.

Nik:

Okay, we just talked about our patrons. So yeah, y'all get to see how unround I was, and how round he was.

Rich:

I'm not gonna lie. We were round. But you know, sometimes in a marriage when you have one person that is just physically fit, they like to exercise, they like to eat healthy, l they like to do their thing, right. And the other person, maybe they are not as prone to be healthy or to make healthy choices, and they're living the best life. It can create issue because you can have, where they lose that physical attraction to one another. And it can create a lack of sexual desire. It can create an environment where one spouse is nitpicking the other spouse because really, the issue is with the way you look.

Nik:

Yep.

Rich:

Or the way you present yourself. But they're not saying that so they're just nitpicking every little thing you do. Lack of respect within that marriage, or lack of affection and a lack of intimacy. And I think that that's very dangerous because those can lead to larger issues or even divorce. So, it's very, very important that you actually pay attention to that. I think that we are so easily persuaded to believe that physical attraction shouldn't matter in marriage, that we just overlook it. And then these other issues become these huge landmines in our marriage, and we don't even know how we got here.

Nik:

Physical attraction might seem shallow. It might seem shallow for a man to say and in fact, men get shamed for it right, for saying you gained a little weight. When in reality he might just be saying you know what, I am more attracted to you with a little less weight or a little more weight. Because sometimes because you told me before I was too skinny.

Rich:

You was working out, eating right. I mean it was good but it ain't no cushion for the pushin. You a little bony back here. I need you to put a little weight on it baby. Put a lil weight on it.

Nik:

But the fact is, we cannot minimize the importance of it. We cannot minimize the importance of it. Men and women both are stimulated by physical attraction. I want you to look good, you want me to look good, the sex is good when both of us are feeling good about each other. Physical change is gonna happen, right? It's inevitable as we age, things are going to shift, change, move, grow, shrink, and sometimes it just completely goes away. But my opinion is unless there is a medical, environmental, health or some other reason that's beyond your control. Let me say that again, beyond your control, because a lot of the things that we say we can't control we really can.

Rich:

Eating too much is under your control.

Nik:

Exercising,

Rich:

is under your control.

Nik:

Yes, it is.

Rich:

Choosing just healthier choices all together. It's in your control.

Nik:

It's in your control. It's our responsibility. It's my responsibility as your wife as his wife, to make sure that I stay as close to the picture that you married as possible. Physically. It is my responsibility to do that. And I put the same type of pressure and responsibility on him as my husband.

Rich:

You know, because like you said in the beginning, it's something that people don't necessarily place a lot of weight on, because it's like, ooh, that's so shallow. But research has shown that couples that are physically attracted to each other, have a more affectionate relationship and marriage. Because you can't say that well, it mattered when we got married. Or it mattered when I started dating you, or it mattered when I was walking through the aisle and I saw you but then all of a sudden, it don't matter no more. And this doesn't diminish the importance of the emotional and

Nik:

and the deep stuff

Rich:

and all the deep stuff, but you can't just totally eliminate something that played a factor in y'all even talking. Because let's be real, nobody, I don't care who you are, nobody's gonna say I met them on the internet never saw them and we just fell in love. At some point you saw them and that was a criteria that had to be met. There was a physical attraction that had to be met, for you to be where you are.

Nik:

100 percent. To me, it’s like my great grandmother told my grandmother, who told my mother, who told me, and I've told my daughters, count them. That's five generations this has been passed down in my family, and any of my cousins who listen to my podcast, y'all know, I'm not lying. And what my great grandmother used to tell my grandmother, who told my mother, who told me, and I told my daughters is, you better keep yo figga if you want to keep yo nigga. And that's real talk. If you want to keep your nigga then make sure that you're doing the things physically not just the other stuff right you can be a great cook, but if that figure right trust and believe he gonna be gone. That nigga gonna be gone somewhere.

Rich:

Because remember, like if it creates a lack of sexual desire it creates a lack of respect, like it creates a bunch of negative things when there is no physical attraction in a marriage any longer. So, those things become bigger issues. If you as a husband, don't keep yourself fit. You know, you go to have sex with the wife, and you can't even continue because you are out of breath. You all sweating all on her and weighing her out and she can't breathe like that's nasty. Right? That ain't attractive. That is not making her feel like she matters. That is impacting your own self. What am I trying to say? It's impacting how you look at yourself, right? So, it's impacting your confidence, its impact...so, these things while they seem shallow, have bigger issues that become, like I said earlier, huge canyons in your marriage, which can lead to divorce, can lead to affairs, can lead to all these issues that honestly could have been avoided just by you actually caring about your appearance.

Nik:

And it's not only that, but part of being married is holding each other accountable, right. So, if my husband says you getting a little skinny, of course, my initial reaction is going to get in my feelings, right? Like he can't tell me...but you got to get over yourself. Marriage is not about you. It really isn't. When you can start to understand that I am your wife and I am here for you. I'm here to serve you. I'm here to help you. So, just like you have roles as a husband, I have roles as a wife and one of those is to make sure that you stay attracted to me. It's my, again, I just, I feel like it is my responsibility. It's almost like a Shrek movie, right? Y'all seen the movie Shrek. And if you marry a ogre, chances are he's gonna stay an ogre period. Like you cannot turn it over into a prince no matter how hard you try you might be able to change his clothes or whatever but he's still gonna look like an ogre. But a Princess remember the princess and she turned into an ogre, that is real life. And no man wants to marry a princess. And then 10, 15, 20, 30 years later

Rich:

Three

Nik:

Ooh.

Rich:

Whatever

Nik:

Three?

Rich:

I mean, it can happen. She might have a baby or something, and then you know she just lets herself go because she's tired and the baby crying

Nik:

Damn. Three?

Rich:

It can happen.

Nik:

You know what's real talk, though. When our girls were in elementary school and I would see them moms

Rich:

Ah yeah.

Nik:

I'd be like why do they look like that?

Rich:

I'd be like, my wife get it in. And then when we would go to stuff, and I know men would be looking, like damn how do y'all? How does she? My wife don't look like that.

Nik:

There was no damn way that I was going to let my husband come home from a hard day's work where women in low cut blouses and little tight miniskirts and looking like they gettin they men. They want they men. And he gonna come home to me looking like

Rich:

doo rag on your head, and or scarf and your sweatpants on. And like because let's be real, it's not just you gained weight. Everybody gets focused on you gained weight, but it's you not even putting that effort in anymore. You don't do your hair. You don't shave no more. You know you sit on the couch all day and now you smell lil ripe and you don't even get in the shower before your spouse comes home. Because let's be real, there's some men that work from home or are unemployed or whatever, and their wives are out there getting it, making it happen, right? She comes home. Not only have you not cooked no dinner or nothing, but you are sitting on the couch watching reruns, like you are losing that physical attraction. Like, she don't want to come home to that.

Nik:

No, she don't.

Rich:

She don't.

Nik:

She does not want to come home to that. Again. It's easy to get in your feelings, right? It's easy to be like, well, why is he? Why is she? Because it matters. It truly does matter. Do you know how much temptation there is out in these streets for men and women, okay? And if a man or a woman is going to stray, they're going to stray. There's not really a whole lot you can do about it. But again, those things that you can control, the things that you can control I urge you to control them. I urge you to control them, I urge you not to look like them mamas that I used to see in elementary school. Because it matters.

Rich:

It matters. And on even deeper aspect of this, because, you know, some people might feel this is shallow. On a deeper aspect, my wife deserves as many years as I am going to be able to give her. And if I choose not to be healthy, or if I choose to not care about how I am, or how I look, then I'm taking away from my family. Like, you know, your health matters. And when you choose to act like it doesn't because well grandma, ain't ever ate healthy in her life, and she's 85. But look at the quality of life that grandma has, is that really the life you want? You know, it's not just about longevity, just like I said in marriage, who cares if you've been married for 50 years if you hate each other? I know I don't. I am not basing my marriage off of how long we've been married because that's just a number.

Nik:

Quality over quantity.

Rich:

Quality over quantity. Definitely.

Nik:

Quality over quantity. That's very important. Because referencing back to when we were in Hawaii and one was a little rounder than the other. It was at that point that I know for me that I decided to change my life. And yes, it was the physical that got my attention. It was that photo. I was like, ooh, who's butt is that? Like, my butt don't look like that. Like, who is she?

Rich:

Who you walking with?

Nik:

Like, like for real? I almost couldn't recognize myself. So, of course it was that physical that grabbed my attention. But I had to think about what type of lifestyle did I want 20 years from then, 30 years from then. Did I want to be the grandmother, the great grandmother who's tied to one place in the house? Who's you know, just unhealthy and in and out the house. hospital, can't do things with their grandchildren. That is not the type of quality of life that I wanted for myself. So, I made the change, not just for him, right? But for me too.

Rich:

It's easy to point out all of the horrible things, right? All these negative aspects of losing that physical attraction, but what if you're there? What if it's happened. And you are the zero? Or you're both a couple of zeros or, you know, you smell funny. Now, what if you reach this point?

Nik:

Wait, why do they have to smell funny?

Rich:

Because if you sit on the couch all day and don't take a shower, you probably smell funny.

Nik:

Okay.

Rich:

I'm just making an assumption. I mean, if you don't shower on a regular basis, you smell funny. I don't care what anybody says you do.

Nik:

Okay.

Rich:

All right. You can be skinny, you can be overweight, you can be mid weight it doesn't matter. If you don't shower you smell funny.

Nik:

Okay.

Rich:

So, that's my point. But if you reach this point, right, how do you get out of it, how do you actually change that lack of physical attraction? And I think the simple solution is get out.

Nik:

Oh my god. No, you didn't What? First of all, this is not the movie

Rich:

You didn't even let me finish what I have to say. Get out and change the situation.

Nik:

Okay. Okay.

Rich:

See, you jumped on me. You thought I meant leave. No, I told you on the beginning. I am a strong supporter of marriage. So, no. If you can't handle a little bit of you need to change and work on yourself, you weren't ready to get married. But uh,

Nik:

That was good baby.

Rich:

I know I be saying deep stuff sometimes.

Nik:

That was real good.

Rich:

But you need to get out and change the situation individually as well as a couple. Some things you can do. I think one big one is remember, instead of focusing on the current situation, focus on your partner's strengths. Because like we said, you know, we kind of glossed over quickly but your partner brings something more than just that physical aspect to the marriage,

Nik:

hopefully,

Rich:

hopefully, right. And focus on that. While you are making changes. We are not just changing direction and saying, well, we're not gonna focus on your health, or we're not gonna focus on, you know, the lack of physical attraction, we're gonna focus on this. We're only focusing on it until we can start to create a plan to change those things that are creating that lack of physical attraction.

Nik:

Sometimes it might feel lonely, right? If you're the zero and your spouse is the one, it might feel lonely and it might seem inaccomplishable, is that even a word? It is cause I just said it. It might feel inaccomplishable because maybe your spouse is mean about it. But just like we talked about with Harry and Megan at the beginning, they are working together to resolve a problem. So, it is up to both spouses to tackle something, especially as big as physical appearance and health and diet and exercise, together.

Rich:

And that's it. Do it together. If you're the spouse that is physically fit, or has been getting it in and you know, you're the one, don't look, it's almost that meme you see all the time where it's like someone that's overweight in the gym, you shouldn't laugh at them. They're actually trying to make a change, right? They are working to change the situation they have found themselves in. And because it's easy to just look up and you're overweight. It really is. As an adult, your metabolism's slowing down, you're not necessarily eating healthy, you're making some bad choices. So, you look up and you're like, man, how did I get here, and then you have a spouse that's not supporting you. It makes it hard for you to make those changes. So, as that spouse that may be the attractive one make sure that you are supporting your spouse as they work to get they sexy back.

Nik:

Cuz it's gonna take work, y'all. And it's not anything that's easy. For us to go from, that was year 10 when we were in Hawaii. We're at year 18. So, it's been eight years. And we both made a conscious decision to change the way we look physically. And to change our lifestyles. Yes, it had something to do with our vanity. But it also has to do with the amount of years that we want to be on this earth, quality years that we want to be on this earth together. And just because you fall off the wagon, because trust and believe, I have fallen off the wagon. Many times. I fell off the wagon two days ago, and I might fall off the wagon tomorrow. But guess what that wagon is there for me to get back on. Support each other. Don't chastise each other. Don't make each other feel bad about it right. Encourage each other. Now, there are times where I have to sometimes get stern and real

Rich:

Mmhmm. And I don't like it.

Nik:

But it's out of love. Like I don't talk to him like a child.

Rich:

I still don't like it.

Nik:

I don't like it when you hold me accountable either,

Rich:

but I appreciate it.

Nik:

But it's part of our job.

Rich:

Yeah, I appreciate it. So, at the end of the day, if you are noticing those signs in your marriage that we mentioned earlier, you know, that lack of sexual desire, you're kind of nitpicking at one another. Or there's some lack of respect, lack of affection, intimacy, and just there's no desire, then stop and think about is this because there's been some changes to us physically, and this is something we can solve. Like, this doesn't require us to be divorced. It doesn't require us to stay on this road, doesn't require us to continue down this path. How can we work to change this to make ourselves have a better, stronger marriage?

Nik:

Now, let's be clear. The longer you're married, the older you're going to get. And getting old is no joke. It's no joke y'all. There are going to be things that you're spouse, or you used to be able to do that now you cannot do and I'm specifically talking about sexually, right? Because we're talking about physical attraction. And they're just, you just ain't gonna be able to do it and you should not expect your spouse or yourself to be able to do it.

Rich:

What we tombout? Like you throwing your leg behind your head?

Nik:

Yeah, that can happen no mo dog.

Rich:

Girl, you better take some yoga classes. There are 85 year old women that is still flexible. Don't make no excuses. Make it happen.

Nik:

Thank you so much for tuning in to this week's episode of the Naked Proverbs. We want you to truly have a happy marriage. We want you to continue to thrive in your marriages and indulge in your spouses on a regular basis. Don't forget to follow us on whatever podcasting platform you are listening on. And we will talk to y'all in the next one.

Rich:

Peace.

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