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Somebody's sleeping in my bed, taking my place...


In episode 044 of the Naked Proverbs podcast, Rich and Nik Scott talk about kids sleeping in the bed with their parents.



Nik:

Welcome back to the Naked Proverbs podcast where we unclothe the truth about Black love family and marriage. My name is Nik Scott, one of your hosts and I'm here with my husband.

Rich:

What's going on? Is your boy Rich, and today we're going to talk about someone sleeping in your bed.

Nik:

Sounds scandalous.

Nik:

Right at the start of every episode, we always remind our listeners that we are not trained, licensed, or professional therapists or counselors. While some of what you hear on Naked Proverbs might make you feel like you're in a therapy session. Always remember Naked Proverbs is our platform to share our advice, our experience, our stories, and our opinions.

Nik:

If you haven't already, make sure you're following the Naked Proverbs on whatever podcasting platform you listen to on and if you like what you hear, show us your love and support by giving us a five-star review on iTunes.

Rich:

As always, we want to start off by saying thank you to our listeners. We truly appreciate you choosing to tune in and listen to us each week.

Rich:

Now, if you didn't know, Naked Proverbs has a website, www.nakedproverbs.com And on this website, you can find out all kinds of interesting information such as,

Nik:

Such as all of the things that are new going on with Naked Proverbs. If you follow us on Facebook or Instagram, you already know that we dropped our very first digital eBook

Rich:

Yeah.

Nik:

Called...

Rich:

A bunch of ways you can have fun when you are of person of color.

Nik:

That's not what it's called.

Rich:

Oh

Nik:

it's called 30 Date Ideas for Black Couples.

Rich:

I was close.

Nik:

You were not. But,

Rich:

I said colored people

Nik:

It. Okay well. 30 Date Ideas for Black Couples. And no, that is not clickbait. No, that is not a marketing gimmick. These are truly ideas that are for the culture.

Rich:

And I'm telling you now, all 30 of them are things that are outside the box. They're not your typical just run of the mill date ideas.

Nik:

So, go check it out.

Nik:

They're not. Definitely check it out.

Rich:

But what else is on the website? What else is going on?

Nik:

What else is going on is we launched our t-shirt line which is inspired by Black love.

Rich:

So, you definitely want to get on the website, www.nakedproverbs.com

Rich:

There's a whole lot going on in the Black community right now. Like, I mean a whole lot. And you may have missed this, but there is a top athlete. He is a sophomore in high school that has said that he is truly considering going to an HBCU.

Rich:

Now that may not seem like big news, but when you stop and you think about the exodus of top players going to HBCUs, this is huge. This young man is in I think the top 15 or top five even, Mikey Williams if you don't know him, go check him out. He's got over a million followers on his Instagram. And people like Carmelo Anthony, LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, like when I say he's got over a million followers, it's not like me, you it's legit, like big name people in his industry that he's trying to get into at some point.

Rich:

So, this is possibly history breaking news if he truly does choose to go to an HBCU in two more years,

Nik:

it will be groundbreaking. And I'm not the type of person that follows sports and I'm not into sports like that. I'm a very casual basketball and football watcher. And it wasn't until we went to Grambling State University last year, and we had the opportunity to tour the Eddie Robinson museum. And our tour guide took us into this room, and it was literally a room full, with all four walls filled with NFL jerseys. And so, she explained to us that these were jerseys of past alum and/or past players from their football program who went on to play in the NFL.

Nik:

And she went on to explain to us how Black colleges were the recruitment ground for the NBA and for the NFL and for the MLB until, I don't remember what time period it was, but at some point, it changed to where now all of the top athletes, high school athletes in these, in these programs, they're choosing to go to PWIs, and that has really hurt universities financially.

Rich:

And that's really What Michael Williams, Mikey Williams said. I'm gonna read what he said. He basically was like, now this isn't his exact words so, Mikey, forgive me. And if you're not listening, somebody tell Mikey to tune in.

Rich:

But he was like, you know, there's a lot of revenue that can be made during his college career. And that's, he speaking of in the terms of the university, not for him, because we all know you can't pay our Black players because they're getting education. So, the millions and billions of dollars they bring into the university should be good enough. But anyway, that's a whole different topic.

Rich:

So, he said that if he has the opportunity to bring in this revenue for college, why would he not want to bring that back to the Black community. And so, he says that basically, there are multiple HBCUs that have made the cut. And as he continues to narrow down the list, he will make sure that he continues to have HBCUs on that list. Because for him, he sees this as his opportunity as a young African American male, to give back to the community.

Rich:

And I think that you know, like what Nik is saying how there was a time period where if you were an athlete looking to take it to the next level, your only option was an HBCU. Then with desegregation and all these other things that were meant to make our lives better, which again is another whole topic, we start to see athletes being told by the quote unquote blue chip programs, the Kansas, the Kentucky's, the Dukes, the North Carolinas, is the only way you can make it to the league is if you come to us. And unfortunately, we have fallen into believing that, that lie. So, a lot of our athletes are choosing to go to these larger named programs because they think it's going to give them a better chance.

Nik:

I'm gonna tell you something. If you're Mikey Williams, and you are a 16 year old boy, I don't even know if he's 16 yet he probably doesn't have a driver's license for all we know. He's a freakin, he's coming into his sophomore year of high school. And if you're that good that you have the greatest players who have ever played the game of American Basketball following you on social media and engaging with your content, if you're that good? I don't care what sports you play. If you're that good, it doesn't matter what school you go to, I promise you, the NBA and the NFL and the MLB are going to be checking for you and recruiting for you wherever you choose to go.

Nik:

And you don't even have to be that good, right? We're using him as an example because whether or not he chooses to go to an HBCU, this is transformational, that we're even having these conversations again in our community. So, if you are good, if you are a top athlete, I encourage you to consider only HBCUs for your college athletic careers.

Rich:

Ultimately, remember, our young people, our children are going to have a lifetime of working and being around people that may or may not accept them, that may or may not treat them as they should be with respect and love. But as someone that has attended an HBCU there is no better experience for a young mind that is coming into adulthood. There is nothing that compares to going to an HBCU. Being in classrooms with professors that look like you. Being in classrooms with students where you turn around in every direction you look on campus, in the cafeteria, no matter where you are, everybody looks like you. They all have had different experiences in life, but just being able to see that you know, what, I'm not alone, is huge.

You're listening to the Naked Proverbs podcast with Rich and Nik Scott. If you like what you're hearing, show your support by becoming a patron. All of our patrons receive exclusive benefits, like behind the scenes content, access to bonus audio, and Naked Proverbs merchandise to learn more and to become a patron. Visit. The Naked Proverbs Patreon page at www.patreon.com/nakedproverbs

Rich:

Dru Hill may have said it best:

Rich:

I got this feeling and I just can't turn it loose. That somebody’s get next to you.

Rich:

He goes, now Cisco goes on to say:

Rich:

Somebody's sleeping in my bed

Nik:

Messing with my head, taking my place.

Rich:

Now I know many of you are probably sitting there thinking oooh they bout to get into the juicy and talk about some infidelity. And all these things about you done caught somebody in your bed. Well, I'm sorry to tell you, you're wrong.

Nik:

You're gonna disappoint the people on a Sunday.

Rich:

But you're not gonna be disappointed some of y'all. Most of you husbands are not gonna be disappointed.

Nik:

They gone be disappointed.

Rich:

Naw these husbands is gonna be like PREACH. Preach preacher. Today we are going to talk about children sleeping in your bed.

Nik:

Get your kids out yo bed.

Rich:

Because the reality is, they should not be in your bed.

Nik:

Here's the thing. You opened up talking about Dru Hill in the song

Rich:

My Bed

Nik:

My Bed from the 90s and if you haven't heard it, I encourage you to go listen to it, and listen to the lyrics and clearly the song and the video that goes with the song is about infidelity and literally another person sleeping in your bed with my husband or with, with your wife. But the truth is sleeping in my bed, messing with my head, taking my place can also be applied to your kids that are sleeping in the bed with you.

Rich:

Now, you know I'm a stats guy. I like numbers. So, when I started do a little background research on this whole children's sleeping in the bed thing, because it's been some years since we've had children. Our girls are danger grown in they mind. You know, I pulled out some stats and this stat right here, mothers, women, I'm asking y'all to do better.

Rich:

45% of moms let their eight to 12 year olds sleep with them from time to time. And 13% permit they child to sleep with them every night. Did y'all hear that? Hold on, let me tell you...45% of moms, not dads, moms, let their eight to 12 year old sleep with them from time to time.

Nik:

Now usually I would push back on a statistic like that. But since it is Father's Day month, and Father

Rich:

The whole month.

Nik:

And Father's Day is next weekend. I'm not even gonna go there with you. I ain't even gonna go there.

Rich:

You can't go there because you know sometimes the facts is the facts. Let's be honest. Who is it that is normally letting mom, the kids come sleep in the bed? Who is it usually that's letting the kids come sleep in the bed? It ain't Daddy, talking about, come on babies. It's okay. It's gonna be okay. Here get in between me and Mama. No, it's mothers. Mothers that can't let their kids grow up.

Nik:

See, now. Okay, again. Normally, I would push back on that comment, but since it's a week before Father's Day, and I will be celebrating you. Imma let you have that one. However, I will say that there might be times, and I know that I had times when the girls were little, that mothers would let their kids sleep in the bed. And you know, one of those times are when the husbands are traveling. And I know what you're gonna say that it should be consistent. Don't confuse the child and blah blah blah. But I mean if the child understands that this only happens, like this is a treat. This isn't a regular occurrence,

Rich:

Well a 12 year old should definitely understand that.

Nik:

Yeah. Eight to 12, that's, that's a bit. That's, that, that's old. 45% of mothers of eight to 12 year old children let their kids sleep in the bed with them.

Rich:

So, we know that if your kids are younger, that number is even higher. Let's be honest, because I would say that a lot of times, children sleep in the bed because it's convenient and easier for the parent. And eight to 12 year olds are probably not getting out of bed because they're scared of the dark or because it's raining outside. But those toddlers, those are reasons they get out of bed, right? They're still learning what right looks like.

Nik:

And it's up to the parent and up to the mother. Let's be clear. I am not an advocate of kids sleeping in the bed. And I would be remiss, and I'd be wrong if I didn't share my story about being a mother, who is not a part of that 45% that allowed that eight to 12 year old to asleep in the bed with me and my husband, but I was a mother, when we had infants and slept with us. They slept in the room with us. And I remember when our oldest was about, I don't know, if it was six months or nine months, I feel like it was nine months, when we decided that it was time for her to get the hell up out of our room and out her, out our bed, and for her to sleep in her own bed. And I remember clearly, she had to be six months, she had to be six months,

Rich:

Okay.

Nik:

I remember clearly how torturous that was breaking her out of our bed out, you know, to sleep in her own bed. Like she would scream and holler all night long. Now, I'm not suggesting that you don't go and comfort your child and you ignore it your infant when they're screaming and hollering for you because that can bring on a whole host of other psychological issues.

Nik:

But what I am suggesting is don't be lazy. Get yo ass up. Out the bed mama and

Nik:

Or, daddy, you're right. One of y'all get y'all asses out the bed and go and comfort your child to the point where they can calm down, they can go back to sleep, and then you go get your behind back in the bed with your spouse. What you don't need to be doing is getting your ass out of bed, going to get the baby, because the baby can't walk at this point and bringing the baby back into the bed with you.

Rich:

Or daddy.

Rich:

Yes.

Rich:

Some people are gonna take offense, but it's convenient to let the child sleep in your bed.

Nik:

It is.

Rich:

And I'm not gonna say it's lazy, but it's pretty close. Because I remember when our oldest was less than six months that she slept in the bed because it was easy for you to breastfeed. It was easy for us to get her, because let's be honest, babies don't sleep through the night. That's part of what, you know, being a new parent is not getting any sleep. So, we dealt with those things. But it was honestly us being lazy. And that's why she didn't start off in her own bed in some ways.

Rich:

Now, there are dangers to having your child in your bed. You know, that's why they have bassinets and all kinds of other options, which don't include your child actually laying in the bed with you. Because there have been children that have lost their lives because their parents rolled over on them at the cover smothered them. So, you know, even as a small child, it's not smart to really sleep with your child in the bed, just for the safety aspect.

Rich:

But bigger than that, it can start to have an impact on the intimacy that you and your spouse are able to experience. Because you've got a child in the bed or a toddler or an eight to 12 year old or a six month old, whatever, it doesn't really matter the age, it's still going to impact the opportunity for you and your spouse to grow closer together in the bed.

Nik:

Because what it does is it literally puts a physical, tangible divider between you and your spouse, and we work so hard in our marriages to be one, right? We want to be one, we're one flesh. We're one unit, we're one team, we're one partnership. And then when you make the choice to physically put a human between you two that can cause problems in your marriage. And I don't know if y'all watch Married to Medicine, but one of the doctors, the anesthesiologist, her husband brings this up all the time about her grown ass kids, grown ass son sleeping in the bed with him and he goes to sleep in the guest room. Like what the hell kind of stuff is that?

Rich:

Yeah, that that is not okay. Once your child is past toddler age, it's not convenient anymore. Now it's just, that's just what you do, and you've created a really bad habit. And unfortunately, when you create habits like that, you can start to create other issues that didn't even have to be in your marriage. Because if you have your spouse sleeping on the couch, you're creating an issue.

Rich:

The other thing that you can create is a dependency, where your children can't really learn how to be self-reliant. You know, because every time they wake up or every time there's something that you know, bothers their sleep pattern, and they jump up and run to the bed and jump in bed with you, like that's the normal option, the only thing they've known to do, then it prevents them from being self-reliant and learning how to work through their own problems, their own issues, and getting back in their own bed and going back to sleep.

Nik:

And we're not suggesting that you don't comfort your kids, right. We are not suggesting that. What we're suggesting, like I said with, with us is get out of bed and go take care of your child. Your children need you. Your children needs to be comfort, they comforted. They need to be held. They need that physical touch, but what they don't need to be doing is sleeping between you and your husband. They don't need to be trained to think that that's okay. Because while we think kids are cute and they are cute. Little kids are adorable. They, you know, baby smell good. They're great. But those little monsters are so manipulative.

Nik:

And since it is the moms and you know, I guess I can kind of agree with you and seeing that it's probably mostly moms who allow the child to come sleep in the bed with them. That kid is learning from a very early age how to play mommy against daddy. If dad is like you know what little girl, little boy get in the bed. And then in the middle of the night, no matter what time it is, here come the kid wandering to get in the bed with you. And here go mommy. Okay, come on, baby.

Rich:

Here, get right here.

Nik:

What are you teaching the kid. And then how are you making your husband feel in the process?

Rich:

And then you know what? One of maybe the most simplest things but very important things is when you have a child in the bed, because we have had our children in the bed like we said in the beginning, right? You do not get good sleep. Because you have feet kicking you in the bed. You got arms flailing around. Like you are getting punched and abused and beat down while you trying to get some rest so you can get up and go to work or whatever it is you need to do the next day. So, it starts to impact your life when you're not getting those eight to 10 hours. I think this recommended it may not be eight to 10. That's just what I get. But if you're not getting those recommended hours, it's definitely going to impact how you are handling your family, how you're handling yourself in different situations.

Nik:

And for us, you said it already our kids are 18 and almost 16 at this point. So, it's been a long time since we had even an eight to 12 year old right? Well, our oldest never really had that problem. She never really got out the bed and wanted to get in the bed with us. Once she was broken out of our bed as an infant that was all she wrote. And she liked to sleep anyway. Our youngest, however,

Rich:

Oh yeah.

Nik:

She did want to sleep with us. Because she came out of my body and lived in a room with her sister until we bought our house. And then she had her own room. And during that time, I guess she was about one years old, she did not like sleeping by herself. And what she would do is not come and knock on our door and crawl in our bed. But what she would do is go and get in the bed with her sister. And then if her sister's door was closed, or she couldn't get in the bed with her sister. This is gonna sound terrible, but it's too late for y'all to call CPS on me. We would wake up in the morning, and our child would be laying in the hallway either in front of our door or in front of her sister's door.

Rich:

Curled up like a guard dog.

Nik:

You know, in the little fetal position. Yeah, she was. Well, the thing about that is, is okay, it might sound harsh, you know, and I would wake up and I didn't think...I didn't never think oh, my baby, I should have let her sleep in the bed with me. I was like, girl, why didn't you just stay in your bed?

Rich:

Right. The behaviors you encourage will be the behaviors that your children will embrace. And because we've never really encouraged like, oh, well come on, just jump in the bed with us. Our kids have never really done that, to the point that I've seen other people's children do it or to the point that other people have talked about their children doing it. So, to me, it's like, you know, okay, well, if you are here now, right? You are at that point where you've got a 12 year old that's still getting into bed with you, or a toddler, or whatever, right?

Nik:

4 or 5 or 6 or 7

Rich:

It's not, because let's be honest, a six month old is not getting in the bed on their own. You're going to pick them up and put them in your bed. But any child that is able and capable of walking and getting into the bed themselves, then you need to start to focus on that and solve that.

Nik:

How do you do that? Well, my opinion is that you don't let it happen in the first place,

Rich:

Right.

Rich:

I was on vacation?

Nik:

And that's what we did we nip it in the bud before it became a problem. So, when I did allow our youngest to sleep with us when we were on vacation, it was a treat for her.

Nik:

Vacation.

Rich:

I'm like, when did I ever go on a vacation without y'all?

Nik:

You have been on vacation without us. But it wasn't when they were little.

Rich:

You just said when you was on vacation. I'm like?

Nik:

When you were traveling?

Rich:

I'm like when I was deployed, that was no vacation. When I was traveling for work, that was no vacation.

Nik:

Well, that's a great point. Because even when you were deployed, you were gone for an extended amount of time. And even during that time, I didn't allow the kids to sleep in the bed with me because they were still so young, I did not want to instill that habit in them and them thinking that this is the way that it's supposed to be. Because by the time you got back, they had, you know kids grow leaps and bounds in 18 months. So, by the time get back they're totally confused. They're like, well, I've been doing it so why now I got to do it?

Rich:

And I think that's a great point because it may not be your spouse's deployed, but it may be that your spouse works nights, or that your spouse travels for work, or whatever the reason is, so that four or five days out of the week, they're not home at bedtime. And you're creating this environment where you know, it's like, well, I'm gonna read you a book and mommy and daddy's bed, then the child falls asleep. And instead of you getting them up, or you picking them up and taking them to their bed, you just say, well, it's easier for me just to leave them here.

Nik:

Well, I think the kid needs to start out in their bed and they need to end in their bed. So, we're talking about solutions, right? Don't let it happen in the first place. So, if you have an infant right now, don't start that habit. Just don't. If you have an older child, you need to break the habit. How do you do that? You make them sleep in their bed, parent, Mama, Daddy, make them sleep in their bed. Don't give him These little suckers I'm telling you, they're cute. They're adorable and they're witty and they say the cutest little stuff, make them sleep in a bed.

Rich:

But I will say before any of that you have to slap yourself about three times mothers and fathers if you part of it, but let's be honest, we already saw we already read 45% is mamas so

Rich:

Mothers,

Nik:

They are part of it because they are also allowing it to happen.

Rich:

Well. Okay, parents, take your own hand, slap yourself three times. Now shake your head real good. And then I want you to realize that you are the problem. It is not your child. It is not just because of the bad habits that have formed, because bad habits can be broken. You are the problem. Say it with me. You are the problem

Nik:

Message.

Rich:

Now. Now you slapped yourself. You recognize it. You are the problem; you have to be committed. It is not easy. And especially if you have a toddler who can get up and come to your bed whenever they want to do this, like it's not easy. The easy piece would be to just say, oh, well roll over, let them get in the bed. Well, what are you teaching them, right?

Rich:

Now I know you're not gonna like what I'm about to say. But my wife says it all the time. We are mammals. We are very similar to how you can train a dog. You can train a human. Y'all may not believe that. But you can train a human

Nik:

Oh, y'all are trained. We're all trained.

Rich:

So, if you continue to reward bad behavior, getting up and getting in your bed, then you are training your child that that is okay. Doesn't matter what you're saying. Your behaviors and your actions speak much louder than the words that you're saying. So, if you really don't want that to happen anymore, you don't want that child coming in between you and your nookie time, then you need to start to be consistent. And if they come get in your bed or they come knock on your door, turn a little butts right around, put them right back in they bed and make them go to sleep.

Nik:

Parents need to parent.

Rich:

Something else you need to do besides being consistent is you need to make sure that you establish a routine bedtime. Because unfortunately, I have heard parents that have toddlers and young kids that will say, well, my kid goes to bed whenever I go to bed, or my kid goes to bed whenever they get sleepy. That is part of your problem. If you create a strong, healthy bedtime routine, our children went to bed at 8pm until about Middle School. High school we just said who cares what they do when it comes to bedtime.

Rich:

But if you have a healthy bedtime routine, maybe you get them in their bed, you read them a book, you give them a final kiss and you tell them goodnight. Now reality is the first few times you try this and when I say few it might be a few weeks,

Nik:

Months.

Rich:

Years. Nah it shouldn't be years. They may not just gravitate to it and run with it. So, they're going to make things, say things like I need some water

Nik:

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Rich:

I need one more snack.

Nik:

I'm hungry.

Rich:

I think I heard something.

Nik:

I'm scared.

Rich:

They gonna come walking down the steps if you have steps, or you gonna hear the in the hallway, I'm telling you, but you have to be consistent and put them back in the bed. And this does a couple of things. One, it prevents you from having long-term issues with your children and sleeping, but two, it allows you and your spouse to have some quality time together as well.

Nik:

Parents need to parent.

Nik:

Thank you so much for listening to the Naked Proverbs podcast. We truly want you to have a happy marriage. We want you to thrive in your marriages. And we want you to indulge in your spouses on a regular basis and you can't do if you got kids in the bed with you. Don't forget to follow the Naked Proverbs on whatever podcasting platform you listen on, and we will talk to y'all in the next one.

Rich:

Peace.

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