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TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS! 😡


In Episode 015 of the Naked Proverbs podcast, Rich and Nik Scott discuss the need and importance in the Black community for parents to take care of their kids.



Nik:

Welcome back to the Naked Proverbs podcast where we unclothe the truth about Black love family and marriage. My name is Nik Scott, one of your hosts. And as always, I am here with my husband,

Rich:

What's going on? It's your boy Rich. And today we're gonna talk about raising kids

Nik:

Raising your own kids.

Rich:

Raising kids. They may not be your own.

Nik:

They could be somebody...yeah, you're right.

Rich:

So, raising your...our topic today is going to be raising yo kids.

Nik:

At the start of every episode of the Naked Proverbs, we have to remind our listeners that we are not professional trained or licensed therapists or counselors. We've been married for a very long time. And we use the Naked Proverbs to share our opinions, our advice and our experience. If you haven't already, make sure you follow the Naked Proverbs on whatever platform you listen to your podcasts on and if you like what you hear, show us your love and support by giving us a five-star rating on iTunes or whatever platform you're listening on.

Rich:

As always, we like to thank our listeners, our fan base is growing, and we appreciate you tuning in week after week to hear what we have to say about marriage, love and family. A topic we have not really spoken about. But a very important topic, because we've mentioned multiple times that when you are raising children, you are raising the next generation of Black married couples. The next generation of doctors, lawyers, scientists. The next generation of greatness. So, when you're raising kids, you always have to remember that. Something you always say, and I always fall back on is you are not raising, and you have not been raising just little girls. But you've been raising somebody's mother, somebody's wife, somebody's, you know, whatever they're gonna grow up to be. And I think when you have that type of attitude when it comes to raising children, it changes the way you do things.

Nik:

I don't even necessarily call it raising children. I call it training children. Because you are, you're training your children to become whatever it is that they're going to be when they're not children anymore. Everything that you do, everything that you say, everything that they see, everything that they hear, everything that they sense, is training them for whatever it is when they're adults. Whether that be a wife, a mother, somebody's boss, an entrepreneur, we're training them.

Rich:

And I just want to put this out there. Before we get too deep in here. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. So, no matter how much you think you're going to be the perfect parent that raises the perfect child, please understand that that is a falsehood. There is no truth in that there is no proof that that is even possible. Because reality is parenting is an experiment, especially with the first child. It is a legit experiment. You can read every book that's out there, but because every person is different, so, every child is different, doesn't matter what the books say. It doesn't matter what your mom says how she handled dealing with you or your dad says what he did, because your children are not you. They're different.

Nik:

They're very different. And another thing I think is important for parents to realize is that it wasn't the child's choice to come into this world. Like they did not choose to be here. So, they deserve the love that a parent should give them. Whether it's a biological parent, or adoptive parent, or whoever it is, that's training these children. It was wasn't their choice to come here. So, a lot of times in my experience, and in my childhood, I had parents who clearly loved us, but they didn't know how to parent. So, I agree with you in saying that there is no perfect parent. But I do think there's benefits to leveraging resources and other parents to help you be there for your kids.

Rich:

Most definitely, I think that there's nothing wrong with reading books and talking to other parents and learning all you can to be the best parent just like you're listening to this podcast because you want to have the best marriage possible or you want to raise your children, you know, and you're using every tool that's available to you. There's nothing wrong with that. But I think that parents can hold themselves to such a high standard that they actually fail their children trying to be something that's not even realistic. Because as I've grown, I've learned and realized that my parents did the best they knew how to do.

Nik:

Mm hmm.

Rich:

And if you don't take into consideration that parents are doing nothing more for the most part than raising their children, taking away the good things that they felt happened in their childhood, and trying to eliminate the things they felt were negative, but ultimately, they don't really know what they're doing. Just like I mean, like I said, I'm not a perfect father. And I understand that, and I know that when my daughters are older, they're gonna look back and there's going to be some highlights of ooh, Daddy did this great. But you know, daddy was kind of rough or daddy did this or daddy didn't do this right. And you know what? I am man enough to accept into admit that I'm not a perfect father.

Nik:

And nor am I a perfect mother. And you're right. I think that parents, I can speak for myself. I've only done what I knew how to do. And when I knew something different that I felt like was better than that's what I did. There were times that I recognized qualities and characteristics that are in me that are like my parents that I despised as a child. And when I recognized those in myself, I worked very hard to not be that type of parent towards my children, because ultimately, what I want is to have a relationship with my kids. I'm not trying to be their friend. But I definitely want to make sure that when they're adults, that they know that they can still count on me, that it's not going to be months that I don't hear from my child. And, you know, I'm sitting there missing and longing for my kid, I want to have a relationship and that relationship building starts now. And for me, it was recognizing those qualities and those characteristics, like I said, that I didn't like about my parents and overcoming them so that I can do what I knew how to do, or I know how to do to establish a healthy relationship with my children.

Rich:

One of those things that I remember us talking about was homework time. And you talk about how homework time was not a pleasurable time for you growing up.

Nik:

Yeah.

Rich:

And I remember, you know, when our kids were in elementary school, we would sit at the kitchen table after they got home from school, because there was always a parent here. Whether it be you or me our children have always had somebody they came home to. Even now, when they got out of school, there was never a moment where our children just came home and they're fending for themselves.

Nik:

Right.

Rich:

And homework time was a hard time because there'd be moments especially with everyday math, where we would feel like this is so simple, and the way we did it was like this. But then our children would be like, well, that's not how they're teaching us at school. This is how they're taught, and it became this just wasn't fun.

Nik:

It was very tense. It was a very tense situation for me personally. And I know I'm not the only mother out here that thinks this. When our kids are born, we already have these expectations of who they're going to be, how they're going to act, what they're going, where were they going to go to college, the moment we conceive a child, we have their whole lives planned out for them. And homework time for me was tense. It was tense because there were some things that I felt like were so simple. And my child should be able to understand and grasp this, like, why isn't my kid the one understanding and grasping it, but I had to learn a that standing over my kids screaming at them while they're doing homework is not healthy. And I did though, it's not healthy, but I did it because that's what was done to me. And when I recognize that and fortunately, my kids were very young when I recognize that in myself and I was able to self-correct it. But what kind of bullying and intimidation methodology is that? I had to change that, because I did not want my kids to be afraid of me. And I wanted them to be able to know that they can come to me when they need help with their homework. And my kids aren't stupid, every child is going to learn at their own pace in their own rate. And that's one thing that I had to learn. So, now that I'm on the other side of it, I understand it, but in the midst of it, it's like my kid can't read, but every other kid in the class can read. Your kid's gonna be able to read.

Rich:

When you are raising children. And you know, we keep going back to when they were younger, but you're really raising children forever. In a sense, you're always teaching and imparting wisdom that you have, whether it be you know, when our kids are out of college, and they get their first job, and we're helping them learn how to negotiate a salary, I'm still raising my child. Like my children, they should feel like they can still come to me and ask me questions. You know, because I've experienced it. I've already been down this road. So, why would I want my children to have to figure it out? But I think that as you're raising children, you don't know what's ahead. So, whatever situation you're currently in, is the biggest situation in the world, it is the most just oh my gosh, my child can't read in first grade, kindergarten, whatever it was. And now I'm like, and that was one of the smallest things we've dealt with raising our children. And we've been blessed to have a lot of older parents in our life, in our lives, that have always said, those issues are going to be different. You know, I remember when I was trying to teach our oldest how to drive, totally different than trying to teach her how to read or totally different, you know, her first day of high school or now as we're preparing to get ready for her to go off to college. Like we're dealing with different things. And it's not saying that those little things, you know, 10 years ago, 15 years ago weren't important in the moment. But now that I see from this side of the fence, they weren't as important as I thought they were.

Nik:

A lot of times parents emphasize and focus on things that just don't matter.

Rich:

Yep.

Nik:

They just don't matter. At the end of the day, I want to have productive, law abiding citizens. And that doesn't mean that they won't break any laws, right, because let's be clear, there are times when it is appropriate to be rebellious. And, for example, let me let me clean that up. For example, during the walkouts, there were walkouts that were organized all across the country for the school shootings. And my kids, which is something different than I did. They actually called and texted me and asked me if it was okay for them to walk out. And my conversation with them at that point in time was to understand and have them understand why exactly they were walking out. Don't do it just because everybody else is doing it. But that was a teachable moment for me. And so yes, I do think that there are times where it is appropriate for our children to be rebellious. And sometimes that does mean breaking laws. But my job as a parent is not to push them so hard academically, because let's be clear, nobody cares when you're 45 years old, whether or not you were in AP honors or IB classes. Nobody cares what your GPA was in high school or college. Being so dead set and focusing on your kids in these little things that don't even matter or amount to anything as far as a solid character is concerned.

Rich:

That's the big piece is when you are raising children. Your goal should be to let them be who they are.

You're listening to the naked eye. Proverbs podcast with Rich and Nik Scott. If you like what you're hearing, show your support by becoming a patron. All of our patrons receive exclusive benefits, like behind the scenes content, access to bonus audio, and Naked Proverbs merchandise. To learn more, and to become a patron, visit the Naked Proverbs Patreon page at www.patreon.com/nakedproverbs

Rich:

It's easy to want to raise a mini me or relive your life through your children. But you've been given a life and if you haven't chosen to live your life, that's not your child's fault. That's your fault. So, don't try to relive the glory days because you have a son, he should play football. Or, he should play soccer. Maybe he's not into sports. Maybe he wants to be in choir, maybe he wants to be in Taekwondo, maybe he wants to be in debate, maybe he wants to be in dance, or whatever that is allow your child to be who they were created to be. And I think that as parents, we have to step back and remember that. This is not my life, to dictate. It's my life to help guide and to add correction when needed. But ultimately, you should be loving your children and helping them become who they are meant to be.

Nik:

And be there for those monumental moments, no matter what it is that your child chooses to do. We have an athlete, and she's a girl. And I never, when I had daughters, I had two daughters, and I just knew that they were not going to be athletes. I knew it. I was like, athlete, I'm not an athlete. I could care less about being in the gym and walking around and Jordans and hoodies all the time. Like I was, I'm the opposite of an athlete basically. And I have a daughter who's an athlete. I could have as a mother, because I am one of the biggest influences in her life, I could have snatched her away from something that she's passionate about, because I didn't understand it, because I don't like it, because it takes time and infringes on who I am as a person, I could have completely deterred her away from that. But instead, what I've done is I've supported her, and I have coached her and trained her how to be the best athlete from my perspective that she can be. And I'm there every single moment, every monumental moment that she has had as an athlete or in her life, both my kids’ life, I have made sure that I was there. I remember someone saying many years ago, that love to a child equals T-I-M-E, it doesn't equal M-O-N-E-Y OR all of these other things that we might feel that we're doing to show our kids love, but it's the time that we're able to spend the quality time that we spend with our children.

Rich:

That's a very important part because I have watched parents that are in the room with their children. But they're not in the room with their children. You know, if you want to spend time with your children, put your phone down, put your computer away and focus on them, like really enjoy them. Because whether you believe it or not, every moment that you're spending with your child matters. And they are watching, they are learning. And it's going to fly by, like I was talking to someone recently. And they said, Well, how is it having, you know, a senior in high school? And I'm like, it flew by. My oldest is almost 18 years old, and it has flown by. I remember having her in my arm, and she could fit in the palm of my hand. And now she is grown. Like, it's just, it's baffling, how quickly it goes. And I remember, you know, when we first had our oldest child, everybody would say that, all the older people like oh, cherish these moments where they're a little baby because before you know it, they'll be a toddler. And then when they are a toddler, cherish these moments because before you know it, they're going to be in elementary school. But we were always just rushing to the next thing like, oh, man, I can't wait till she can walk. Oh, I can't wait till she can feed herself. Oh, I can't wait till she can dress herself. And now I'm like, man, those moments are gone, never to be gotten back. So, enjoy those moments. You know, I say that raising a child is kind of like life. Life is a journey. And a lot of times people get so caught up on where is that journey taking them that they miss the moment. They miss the opportunity to live that moment. And raising children can be the same way. I understand that babies cry and that can get on your nerves, and you as a mother or as a father, you have to do everything for a baby. Even a toddler for the most part you are doing everything. But understand there's gonna come a point where your children don't need you. And you're going along for those moments where you can hold their hand as they cross the street and teach them how to cross the street, or whatever that thing is, you're going along for those moments, but they're gone.

Nik:

Every little thing my girls have learned, we have taught them one or both of us has taught them. When I say everything, I mean, ever re thing above how to brush their teeth, above how to button their clothes, every little thing that we know in this life, it has been our job, and our goal, to impart that wisdom on our kids. Because what the two of us have always wanted was for our children, to have a step up above from where we are. Because we have this terrible curse in the Black community where every generation has to start over. Raising kids and training your kids really is only for a small part of your life in terms of the elementary, middle school high school college days. Of course, you're always going to be a parent. But you also have to understand, for me personally, I was on this earth for 24 years before I had a child. So, that's a whole lot of life that I lived before I had a child and the rest of my life, I'm a mother, but that hands-on involvement is only for a very small part of your life. So, again, it is so important that you're there for your kids. Not just there, physically, but actually there emotionally and psychologically so that they can connect with you and you can build those bonds and relationships.

Rich:

I have watched parents that have chosen to have children and then they basically pawn their children off on the other children. Like, hey, you can watch your brother, you can watch your sister. That is not their responsibility. There's nothing wrong with you know, having your children help out. But when it gets to the point that you aren't raising your children, that their siblings are raising them, you need to stop and reevaluate. Because like Nik said, in the beginning, you chose to have children. That child that was already here didn't choose to have a little brother, a little sister, that child that's been born didn't choose to be born. So, for you to think, well, I still want to club, I still want to do whatever, I still want to get out and live my life. I still want to travel, I still want to, you know what, those opportunities are still there but sometimes you have to put a pin in it. And you have to hit the pause button. Because you chose to have children and children, they're needy. They need time. They need love.

Nik:

Yep.

Rich:

They need direction. You know, and even though we have teenagers now, they still need those things. So, it's not like we just get to turn it off. And we don't know we're talking about because that was 15 years ago or 13 years, like our children still need us. And they still need us to be there for them. And so, we can't just up and go off whenever we want.

Nik:

Nope.

Rich:

Because that's not being a responsible parent.

Nik:

Not only should your older children not be raising your younger children, other people shouldn't be raising your kids either. And it's okay to have people help out. But don't expect people to keep your kids. Don't expect your oldest child, your sibling, your mother, your father, your best friend, to just step in and be the supplemental mom, because you want to go off and do whatever you want to do. Your kids need you. They need their mother and they need their father. By Design. The only two people that can create a baby is a man and a woman and that man and that woman that creates that baby needs to be there to help to train and raise that child to become whoever and whatever it is that that child is called to be.

Rich:

It's important men, to understand that you may leave the woman that you had children with for whatever reason. But that doesn't mean you have to be out of that child's life. That does not mean that you leave that child like, you played a part in bringing life to this earth. So, for you to feel like well, I don't want to deal with her and her drama, or whatever the situation is, that doesn't give you this pass to say, well, I wrote a check. So, they should be good. Like, every child wants a relationship with their parents. They do. And they long for that. And so, for you to feel like you don't have to be there. Because well, they got their mom. Well, I'm in a different city. Well, she won't let me see him anyway. Like you stop making excuses. Because if you really want to be a part of your child's life, you'll be a part of your child's life. That's a fact.

Nik:

Just like there's a deadbeat daddy's there's deadbeat mamas too. And that is something that I completely don't understand. However, they exist. And to the deadbeat mamas to the ones that think that they can just have children and pawn them off on who, what, when, where and why. Please don't do that. Every child, I'm going to echo what my husband said, every child wants a relationship and to be close and to be loved by their parents. Especially their mothers, the burden of training and raising children does fall on us. And I will be the first one I talk to, and I counsel other wives and young mothers that yes, you two, we created these children, but he could have got into the car and got on I-70 and headed east or west and never looked back at any time. And who's left with those kids. When anything goes wrong in a child's life. They don't say my daddy,

Rich:

Even Tupac blamed his mama.

Nik:

They blame the mom. So, our response ability is so much greater. And it's not to minimize the impact and the influence that the father has on a child. But our call is greater we grow these beings in our body, their literally a part of us. So, we have to make sure that we're there for them. Thank you so much for tuning in to this week's episode of the Naked Proverbs podcast. We want you to truly have a happy marriage. We want you to continue to thrive and your marriages and indulge in your spouses on a regular basis. Don't forget to follow the Naked Proverbs on whatever podcasting platform you listen to your podcasts on. And we will talk to y'all in the next one.

Rich:

Peace.

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