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The impact of raising BLACK SONS 👑


In Episode 018 of the Naked Proverbs podcast, Rich and Nik Scott talk about how raising Black sons impacts their lives.



Nik:

Welcome back to the Naked Proverbs podcast where we unclothe the truth about Black love family and marriage. My name is Nik Scott, one of your hosts, and I'm here with my husband,

Rich:

What's going on? It's your boy Rich. And today we're talking about raising Black boys. How are we talking about something we ain't even got?

Nik:

They'll find out.

Rich:

Okay, okay.

Nik:

At the start of every episode, we like to remind our listeners that we are not licensed, trained or professional therapists or counselors. We've been married a really, really, really long time and all of those reallys doesn't mean that it was bad. Those are good reallys.

Rich:

I'm like good lord, that's enough reallys.

Nik:

No, those are good, reallys. Those are good reallys. And we use Naked Proverbs as our platform to share our stories, our opinions, our advice, and of course, our experience. If you haven't already, make sure that you are following Naked Proverbs on whatever platform you listen to your podcasts on. And if you like what you hear, show us your love and support by giving us a five-star rating on iTunes, or whatever platform you are listening on.

Rich:

As always, we want to take a moment to thank our listeners. We appreciate you tuning in. We appreciate you sharing your Sunday or whatever day of the week you choose to listen to us. We appreciate you choosing to spend it with us.

Nik:

Did you know that we have had well over 1000 streams?

Rich:

That's crazy, because we don't even notice for a couple months.

Nik:

Isn't that crazy?

Rich:

I guess what? September 1, so it's been more than a couple months.

Nik:

Three months.

Rich:

Three months. Two or more. So...

Nik:

Yeah, about three...well, a couple means two.

Rich:

A couple? A few.

Nik:

Yeah.

Rich:

A few means two or more.

Nik:

Yeah, yeah.

Rich:

A couple.

Nik:

Well, a few I think is three or more and a couple is just two.

Rich:

Okay, so when I say we've been doing it a couple I should have said we've been doing it a few.

Nik:

Yeah, we've been doing it a few months and well into the thousands of listens.

Rich:

I like to hear that. I like to hear that. Y'all keep tuning in and sharing with your friends, this is important stuff we talking about, at least in my mind, it is.

Nik:

It is important.

Rich:

Speaking of being important, Black men are important.

Nik:

Black men matter.

Rich:

But unfortunately, I have noticed something that is very disturbing. And now that I've noticed it, I've noticed it more and more and more because I'm actually paying attention to it. And what I'm talking about is I am noticing that Black men do not exist on commercials, on TV shows. They've basically been written out of marriages, out of dating scenes out of everything. And that is really disheartening to me.

Nik:

It is saddening. It is saddening and it just speaks to this country's effort, in the United States of America, to erase the Black man from the Black family from the moment they took us from our native land. Those of us that are descendants of slaves and started to break up our families and sell our men and snatch our men away from us. From that point forward, they have always made an effort to completely erase the Black man, from our families. Whether it was in the media, whether it was prison, whether it is feminizing, our men, they're just trying to erase our Black men from our families.

Rich:

And I think for me, it's become so normal that you don't even notice it. Which is the goal ultimately. You know, because I remember it was maybe three, four years ago, there was the Cheerio commercial that had the Black woman with the white man. And they had a little mixed daughter, and there was all this uproar, initially about this Black woman being with this white man, but like even today as I was watching TV, and you know, commercials come on, and as these commercials are coming on, it was commercial after commercial, it is product after product. It's not one specific area. Like it could be products that are geared towards men, products geared towards women products geared towards family, it doesn't matter. They literally have, even if it's just in the back, and there's no words being spoken, there is always a woman of color. Not always a Black woman, but a woman of color with a white man. And there is never a Black man and a Black woman in any commercial, any show. I mean, it doesn't matter what you're talking about. You can name the most popular shows going on right now. If it is not a quote unquote Black show, you're going to I promise you if you look, you're going to notice that there's never any Black men actually with Black women in them.

Nik:

We have become so desensitized to it because it's been happening for so long. People don't even notice it. People don't even call it out. And the more saddening thing to me is we know how important Black men are to our communities. And then when we have the media that is constantly pushing out these images of a nonexistent Black man when we know that's not true. That's why shows and podcasts like Naked Proverbs is so important to our community and there's so many others out there that showcase and highlight and really put Black men on a pedestal because of the effort that I don't know any other way to explain it except for to erase them from existence.

Rich:

As a Black man that has been married to one woman, has raised my children. And that is exactly what I saw growing up though. My father in the house raising his children married to my mom, still married. You know, my grandfather, marrying my grandmother raising children that weren't his, but being that male figure that I've known my entire life. Then when I even when I look around through my fraternity, and my friends, they are all Black men in their families taking care of business. Are they perfect? No, none of us are perfect, but they are husbands, they're fathers, they're hard-working men. Yet, society constantly portrays us as men that are deadbeats that aren't involved that aren't around, we're lazy. We're sitting on the couch; we're not doing anything. And like you said earlier that is so far from reality. But unfortunately, when that's what everybody is being fed, they begin to believe it. And I think back even to, you know, after slavery, they painted the Black man as this hypersexual rapist, killer, violent person. And there are cartoons that are still out there. There are articles that were written, all these things that were created through the media to portray Black men as something that we weren't. And society really just ate it up and believed it and they still believe it to this day. And that is, that's frustrating and damaging, and it's hurtful, when like I said I know that we as Black men are holding it down.

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Rich:

How are two people with two daughters going to talk about raising sons, raising Black boys? Do we really have the right to talk about this?

Nik:

Yes. And I'm gonna tell y'all why.

Rich:

You said that quick. You said that quick with some bass in your voice, too. Some authority.

Nik:

Yes, respect my authority. Because y'all sons might be one of my daughter's future husbands. So, it directly affects me, my bloodline, my lineage and my legacy, so yes.

Rich:

Okay, okay. Well, that wasn't the reason I think I felt like I was qualified to talk about raising Black boys. I've done a lot of volunteer work raising young men whose fathers are or are not in their lives. I've worked around a lot of young men; I have some nephews that I try to pour into as much as possible. Just took one of the lunch the other day, because he's like, freshmen in high school. What's going on nephew? I'm proud of you on a roll in all honors and IB classes if you don't know what IB is, because I didn't. It's like, something for really smart people.

Nik:

Yeah,

Rich:

Like geniuses kind of stuff.

Nik:

He's a genius.

Rich:

And he legit is genius. You know, we had that conversation. And it was actually, I'm a little off topic, but it was, to me, a very interesting conversation. Because I mean, he's a teenager, so it wasn't a whole lot of conversation. Let's be real. But he said something to me that really just, it hurt me and made me have to really pour into him like whoa, Because I'm not knocking Black girl magic, I love it. But we really need to make sure that we are having that same type of energy towards our young Black boys.

Nik:

Yes.

Rich:

Because no one seems to really care. And I know that you know, I'm saying it like the media says stuff because I don't know what everybody's doing. But it appears that our Black boys are just kind of falling off and nobody's there to catch them and to push them into let them know. But I was just describing my nephew, right? Super genius. He could be a straight A student if he wanted to be. But he's like a three, eight student, three nine student without trying, like he's that smart. Like he literally is like, I didn't really study Uncle, you know, I probably could have got a 4.0 you know, but hey. But uh, you know, he didn't feel like he was smart. And it hurt me because I'm sitting here thinking like, this kid is smarter than me, and I'm in my 40s.

Nik:

Yeah,

Rich:

I mean, he's talking about what he wants to do in life, and I still don't even know exactly how you even pronounce the professional name. It's a heart doctor. But it's not the typical heart doctor, right? And I'm sitting here like, what? Could you explain what that is? And he looks at me and I'm like, man, look, you got to remember, I'm not as smart as you. But ultimately, my whole point is our Black boys, they need somebody poured into them on a daily basis. Because they are facing many of the same struggles that we as Black men face. Which is crazy to think that our young kids are facing these uphill battles in the classroom, on the playground, at daycare, just it doesn't matter where they are. It's an uphill battle for these young men and they don't know how to navigate it because they haven't had enough experiences necessarily to know.

Nik:

And we don't just need our strong Black brothers pouring into these young boys. We need our strong Black sisters pouring into these boys also. It takes two people, both sexes, both male and female, to train a boy how to be a man. It's not left up to the same sex parent to teach that child, everything that they need to know about how to navigate this world as a boy. So, as much as my husband has taken his time to volunteer with young Black boys and to make sure that he's available to our nephews, it's not just his job, to make sure that these young boys know what they need, all the tools that they need to have, and have access to in order to navigate this country and this world.

Rich:

Reality is, I say this all the time, we as black people are tribal people. Yet we've come to America, some by choice, some not. And we have tried to become what we believe is going to be accepted. But unfortunately, we have left behind some of the things that have made us who we are and have given us the strength to make it to where we are today. And you know, they say it takes a village. That is so true, you know, and it doesn't matter if you have boys or girls, at the end of the day, it takes a village to raise strong kings and queens. It does. Because you can't be everywhere. You can't do everything, no matter, even if you do have both parents in the house, you still cannot do everything. My nephew has a dad and a mom in the house, you know, has grandparents that are there. Yet, he enjoyed spending some time with me, I think, you know. And I was able to pour into him and to hopefully push him just a little bit further. So that he can have the successes that I know he can have in his life. And to me, that's what it's all about when we start talking about raising Black sons, raising Black boys. It is about the village coming together in recognizing that we are all here to help these young men. These young boys become men. Because at some point they are going to become men. It is inevitable. And it's not just an age thing. They are going to become men because some of them are going to have children. Some of them are going to get married, some of them are going to go off to college or off to wherever they decide. And if they haven't been trained on how to handle just being men, Black men in America, they are going to struggle.

Nik:

But that's the power of diversity, right? We're talking about a village. You and I, we are diverse within our own set. You come from one background, I come from a different background, you're a male, I'm a female. So, we have some aspects of diversity. But that can't be all that our children are exposed to, because that will hinder them from becoming all that they can be. So, when we're talking about the village, and how important it is to raising our Black sons, it's because of that power of diversity. I'm not talking about diverse in racial, ethnic backgrounds, I'm talking all age levels. So, our elders are very important. It's important that they have relationships with our elders, not just our male elders, but both our male in our female elders. It's important that they have access to their cousins, their older cousins, their younger cousins, because they're going to be able to learn and pick up gems from all of these different environments. And all of these different people that we're choosing to expose them to,

Rich:

Your son may have a better relationship and speak about some things that they won't talk to you about, with that cousin, that uncle, that, whoever that person is, you know, that mentor, maybe it's their coach, maybe it's someone that's, you know, at their church or wherever they are, and that's okay. You know, it's okay for your children to have healthy relationships with other people that they feel they can share things with, that they can be open with, that they can get good advice from. And that's why it's important when you're building your village, to make sure that you build a village that you can trust that has the same morals as you. And you know, they're not pouring something that you wouldn't pour into your child, into your child.

Nik:

Your village isn't always family and a lot of times it's not family for us, our village was not family. So, it doesn't always have to be grandma and uncle and auntie but understand that it does take a village to make sure that your son is well-rounded and equipped to be a great husband or father to one of my daughters.

Rich:

And you know what, I'm gonna be honest. You know, when we came up with this topic, there was some selfishness in it. Because I was at a store one day, and I was going to leave and there was a Black young boy, you know, maybe teenager, I mean he had on my daughter's high school shirt, so I'm assuming he was, you know, probably in high school, and his mom. And as I will went to open my door. I was holding it open, because it was two doors. I was holding mine open so that she could come through. And the other door, she actually opened and he followed behind her. Now, there are some men out there that would have let that fly and moved on with their life. I said, excuse me? And the young man turned around, his mom turned around. And I was like, young man, did you just have your mom open the door for you?

Nik:

For you.

Rich:

I'm like, I don't even know who she is. And I stood here and held the door, my door for her. And you literally

Nik:

sauntered through

Rich:

both doors as your mama held one open, and I held one open. And you know what? Now that could go both ways, about 200 different ways. You know that sister could have gotten angry at me for checking her son.

Nik:

Oh, yeah, you could have got cussed straight out.

Rich:

And you know, and I would have accepted it and been like, hey, you know what, he can't never act like nobody told him. But that's not what happened actually. She actually looked at him and gave him this look like I've been telling you for a minute.

Nik:

Yeah.

Rich:

And that's actually what I believe sparked this topic was I came home, and I was like, Man, you know what? That young man goes to school with my daughters. They could be dating, they could end up getting in a serious relationship, and he could become my son in law. And this young man doesn't even open the door for his mom. So, he sure as all get out ain't gonna be thinking about opening the door for my daughter.

Nik:

He's not.

Rich:

Yet that is something that I've done. Like I popped my girls and my wife's hand, like, hey, get your hand away from that door. Because I feel like that is a part of being a chivalrous man is opening the door for a woman, right? And so, there is some selfishness in this topic for me. Because reality is like my wife said in the beginning, your son could become my son in law. And I'ma tell you now, if your son ever rolls up to my house, honks his horn for my daughter to come out. Only person you're gonna get to see that night is me. Because I'm gonna come out. And I'm gonna be respectful because he is a young Black man. So, I'm gonna be respectful. But I'm going to make sure he understands that you know what, unfortunately, you can't date my daughter. I don't care what your GPA is, I don't care what kind of car you drove up in, and I don't care how much money your parents have, because you lack basic respect. If you can't come knock on my door, introduce yourself, and then wait patiently for my daughter to come down who's probably getting all even prettier than what she already is, then you aren't worthy to take my daughter on a date. And I'm not gonna put her in a situation to have her out here with some idiot that thinks he can honk the horn and she's gonna come out to him.

Nik:

No, you are not beckoning my child. But let's be clear. I don't believe that either one of our children would marry a boy or a young man who doesn't even hold the door for his own mother. If he again, if he's not holding it for his mother, he's definitely not holding it for either one of our children. And I honestly, truthfully, I feel like it's going to be hard to get our daughters married. It's going to be completely tough. Because what I see in our young Black men, I don't see a whole lot of eligibility out there. And that's coming from a mom's perspective. And I would love to see my children get married, but I don't see a lot of eligibility out there, because the standards that you have set...now you shaking your head.

Rich:

Because I disagree.

Nik:

Because the standards that you have set is so high.

Rich:

I disagree. And this is why I disagree. Because you are limiting your sample size to the 3% of African Americans that live in Denver, Colorado.

Nik:

Exactly.

Rich:

And I believe there are many young men out there because there's some here in Denver, you know, because I've worked with them in different organizations that I'm in, you know, we've talked about etiquette and we've talked about you know, how you treat a lady and things like that. But to just say that there are no Black men out there

Nik:

I didn't say none. I said there's not a lot of eligibility.

Rich:

I think that that's just, you know, like I said, you're looking from a very small window

Nik:

I'm going off of what I've seen in my experience here with the young men that I have been exposed to.

Rich:

Young men at Grambling. Prove my wife wrong next year, when my champion daughter arrives on your campus. Prove to my wife

Nik:

Did you just call them out at the whole university?

Rich:

I did. I called out the whole university. Hey Prez, what's going on Nupe? Yes, I called them out because I believe that those young Black men are going to show you exactly what I'm saying.

Nik:

Please, prove me wrong.

Rich:

That there are many, a-well raised young Black men out there. And just because the media won't show it, just because society doesn't want to believe it. I refuse to be brainwashed into believing that there are not young men that can meet my daughter's standards. The standard that I have set for them. Because it's not that high. It's not. If believing that opening the door for someone, believing that respecting someone, if believing that you should be able to make enough money to do whatever you want to do in life is too high of a standard. Whatever.

Nik:

First of all, your one in a million, so it ain't that many of you around

Rich:

Well, like my daddy said, when he die, he knows he left two good men on this earth. So, there's at least two of us.

Nik:

I don't know about that other one. I know about this one sitting next to me.

Rich:

He a good man, too.

Nik:

Well, you're a great man also, but you're not as great as your brother. You're a really good guy. Like there are things that you do, there are things that you encourage that a lot of men wouldn't, they just wouldn't. And the standard that you have set for our daughters and I'm going to stand by what I said. There's not a lot of eligibility out there. So yes, I'm challenging you parents who are bringing up sons to be eligible bachelors for my daughters, because they do have a certain standard and a certain expectation. And I would welcome, I don't like to be wrong, but I have been wrong before. So yes, all you G-Men in Grambling, Louisiana, please prove me wrong. Prove me wrong. I'm open to that.

Rich:

Ultimately, I think that we have to remember that it takes all of us. It takes us to correct those wrongs when we see them. It takes us being open and honest about where our young men are. But it also takes us encouraging them. It can't always be, boy, you're not doing, you're not doing this right. You're not doing that right. Sometimes we just need to encourage them where they are and see the greatness in them while they may not see it. Because if they don't see their own greatness, and no one else sees it, they're gonna fall by the wayside. Like it's inevitable. They have so many different things pulling at them, from drugs, to gangs, to premarital sex, to

Nik:

homosexuality,

Rich:

homosexuality to teachers that don't care, to fathers that aren't there, to moms that aren't there

Nik:

incest,

Rich:

they have so...I mean, oh my God, our young boys are facing things that we've never faced. From cyber bullying, to being afraid to be the smart person because that's just not cool. So, we have to make sure that we are not just another negative in their life, that we are actually somebody that is pouring into their life and helping them grow and become the great men that I truly believe every young Black boy can be. Unfortunately, most of them are already starting with a deficit to begin with. So, they're already jumping over multiple hurdles just trying to get to that next level. So, like I said, I refuse to believe that there are not great men out there that can become my daughters’ husbands and become my son in laws. And that doesn't mean they have to like to hunt, fish and to be the man I am. Because that may not be the man they are. They might like to read books and sit by the fire and, you know, sip on wine, and that's okay. I'm gonna love them as long as they love my daughter's.

Nik:

Thank you so much for tuning in to this week's episode of the Naked Proverbs. We want you to truly have a happy marriage. We want you to continue to thrive in your marriages and indulge in your spouses on a regular basis. Don't forget to follow the Naked Proverbs on whatever platform you listen on. And we will be talking to y'all in the next one.

Rich:

Peace.

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