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When should you CUT YOUR KIDS OFF? ✂️


In episode 046 episode of the Naked Proverbs podcast, Rich and Nik Scott discuss when is the appropriate time to cut off your kids.



Nik:

Welcome back to the Naked Proverbs podcast where we unclothe the truth about Black love family and marriage. My name is Nik Scott, one of your hosts, and I'm here with my husband.

Rich:

What's going on issue boy Rich, and today we're going to talk about cutting off the kids.

Nik:

Right at the start of every episode, we always remind our listeners that we are not trained, licensed or professional therapists or counselors. We have been married for almost 19 years now, and we use Naked Proverbs as our platform to share our experience, our advice, our stories, and our opinions. If you haven't already,

Rich:

Make sure that you subscribe...

Nik:

Yeah, make sure that you subscribe to Naked Proverbs on whatever podcasting platform you listen on, and if you like what you hear, make sure that you go to iTunes and give us a five-star review.

Rich:

Oh. I thought it was rating.

Nik:

W ell I mean, the rating and review are one in the same kinda.

Rich:

Give us five-stars, y'all.

Nik:

The rating is the stars and the review is the actual commentary that goes with it.

Rich:

Yeah, I need a five-stars.

Nik:

Yeah, we need them five stars. And we say this every week and y'all don't listen.

Rich:

So, if you don't give us five stars, we're going to take the next six months off.

Nik:

That's a long break.

Rich:

Well, whatever. I ain't gonna keep doing this and you ain't giving me no five stars I want my five stars.

Nik:

I mean, we're not asking for much.

Rich:

I want five stars.

Nik:

Five stars, y'all.

Nik:

It's your turn...

Rich:

Oh. I was looking at the script like who's next? Guess that'd be me.

Nik:

Cuz you was talking so much forgot it was your turn.

Rich:

Cause I want my five stars.

Rich:

Hey, you know what, though, even if you don't give me five stars, thank you for listening. You see, that wasn't as exciting and as much joy because honestly, I appreciate you listen to me, but I really want my five stars. So, give me five stars and I'll give you a better thank you next month, next week.

Nik:

Next month, you already got it in your head that you gonna take some time off.

Rich:

No, I'm not gonna take no time off. Even if you don't give me five stars. I mean, how many times have we said five stars? Practice, practice.

Nik:

We talking about practice.

Rich:

We talking about five stars.

Rich:

We talking about past five stars.

Rich:

Five stars? Like, we're not talking about how good the podcast is. We're not talking about, you know what we...we talking about five stars.

Nik:

Five stars.

Rich:

Can you give us five stars?

Rich:

There are a lot of people that are looking at the statues that are being taken down across the United States.

Nik:

I didn't know we were talking about that?

Rich:

Yeah, I think it's important.

Nik:

I thought that we were gonna talk about how you didn't bring me a fish sandwich from Welton Street Cafe.

Rich:

Oh, you wanna talk about that. See, I tried to change up the topic because I didn't want you to put me on blast. So, let me just give some backdrop to this. On Friday, I met up with two of my fraternity brothers. I made them so they're my babies. They're my favorites. We met at Welton Street Cafe, and I had this bomb fish sandwich, y'all. If you've never been to Welton Street Cafe, go check it out. It's a Black owned business, but they have amazing food, too. And their services great. Everything's great about it. So, I had a fish sandwich, and some mac and cheese. And when I got home, I mentioned to my wife how good it was. Actually, I was pulling into the driveway, because we had been talking about other stuff. But I started to tell her how good this sandwich was because it just hit me like man, it sounds really good.

Nik:

It just hit different, huh?

Rich:

It hit different. I mean, that whole fillet was I mean it was laid out on that bun like. And it was so big that it kind of curled under and you just put a little tartar sauce on that and then threw some hot sauce on that. Oh my God. Whooo. It was good, y'all

Nik:

Then he gonna come home talking to me about how good the fish...Well, before that, before he left, he went to tell me that his fraternity brother was actually treating for lunch. And so, he was like, yeah, I gotta go because I got this fish sandwich waiting for me. So, he was talking about the fish sandwich before he even went all the way across I-70 into the depths of Denver to go eat this sandwich. I intermittent fast,

Rich:

I do too sometimes.

Nik:

I intermittent fast every day. And you know, one o'clock rolls around and usually he doesn't hang out with these guys too long because well, one of them, both of them actually have like, jobs, and they just can't hang out all day for hours.

Rich:

They can't be like me.

Nik:

Yeah, they can't be like you. So, I expected you know, around one o'clock he was gone text me and ask me if he, if I wanted to bring something, if he wanted me to. Well, yeah...

Rich:

See. You don't know what to say. You must be hungry. Did you eat today?

Nik:

I ate a little bit. I ate that leftover meatloaf and leftover catfish from Father's Day!

Rich:

See? So, you did get some catfish this weekend. But anyway, so what she is trying to say, y'all, is she expected me to reach out like I normally do and say so you need anything? I'm heading home. But that day Friday I got, I got sidetracked. I'm not gonna lie. I ran into one of my little cousins' football coaches. And we started talking and then I was just hit the road, you know?

Nik:

Yeah, he just forgot about me.

Rich:

I'm not gonna lie. I forgot to check in and let her know I was heading home, see if she needed anything. But the whole purpose of this long drawn out story is I didn't bring her fish sandwich. And

Nik:

I don't wanna talk about the statues.

Rich:

So, she don't want to talk about why these statues that are being torn down around America should be torn down. Instead, she wants to talk about a fish sandwich that she didn't get. Sorry.

Rich:

You really don't want to talk about the statues?

Nik:

What you want to say about statues?

Rich:

I mean, I just figured, you know, some people don't know, the history of the statues.

Nik:

The statues that are being torn down are Confederate, racist statues that were strategically placed in places like Virginia and other places in the original 13 colonies to instill fear in Black folks during strategic periods in time.

Rich:

So, one of those doing reconstruction and the other one was, I believe, they said it was right around like the 60s and 70s. So, that's what's so amazing to me is that people don't realize how new some of these statues are, that they keep talking about heritage and history. But this heritage and history doesn't go back to 1862 63, 64, 65 you know, during and after the Civil War, it actually is hundred years, you know, later and they were strategically placed during these times like you said, because these were times that Black people were actually having real progress in America. And it was one of those, one of those things almost like, hey, get back in your place hold on. This where you need to be.

Rich:

There's a great video from an ACLU lawyer that we will put on patron that you can check out that really helped me understand some of the historical, I don't know historicalness,

Nik:

The historical context, the backstory...

Rich:

Yes, yes, of why these statues exist. And then I actually read something today that was really interesting. And it talked about, it was a Jewish person that visited Germany. And they were saying, you know, how concentration camps are not a place where people get married, whereas in America, these old plantations that are still owned by white people are places that people go to get married. I actually took a tour I paid to take a tour of a plantation. Some years back with one of my fraternity brothers while we were in Louisiana. And like this, this Jewish person was just saying that that would never happen in Germany. Like, when you go to a museum, they tell you how horrible the people were that did the things they did to the Jewish community. They don't paint them in a bright, happy light, they are honest and brutal about the things that the Jewish people endured. And so, to me, it's like, you know, even their statues they talked about were statues that showed the defiance that existed by the Jews because they didn't just accept it.

Rich:

As an example, there's a statue in DC, of Abraham Lincoln and a slave and come to find out even back when it was created back in actually the 1800s, I believe, it was not actually...while Black people paid for it, Black people didn't have any voice in how it would look. And it's just a demeaning statue at the end of the day where it looks like, you know, Abraham Lincoln is helping the Negro.

Nik:

So, there's a couple things that I want to say. Number one, I appreciate the statues being torn down. I appreciate cities being renamed and taglines for states being dropped. But we cannot divert our attention and our focus from the real issues in this country. It ain't about no statue. Okay. And then the second thing that I want to say is it's interesting that you bring up the correlation, the similarities, the dissimilarities between the Jewish culture and African American culture. Two completely different cultures. But some would argue that we have a similar history in, in the way that the Jewish people were treated in Germany and the way that the African people were treated in America. Here's the difference. America has always denied how evil they are in this world and to people of this world. And what America did again, by design, we say this all the time, is that they have somehow led us to believe that slavery was so good that we want to go back to plantations, that we will pay money to go to a plantation and see trees and see houses where our ancestors were beat and mistreated and murdered and, and unimaginable things happened to them. So, that is something that is...I was going to say wrong, but that really sounds terrible. But it is, it's something that's wrong with the African American psyche. Like what's wrong with us? What is wrong with us to where we believe that on the happiest day of our lives, we pay thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars for a wedding. We want to do it on a plantation. That's sick.

Rich:

Well, I don't I don't think is that we pay to have weddings on plantations. But, but there's a space for it to happen for white people, for Asian people for whoever wants to. I'm not saying that there's something that African Americans do. But the purpose of I think the Jewish person's comment was like, You can't even go to an Auschwitz and have a good time, have a good drink, have a good beer and reminisce about like this is something positive, because they do not allow it. Because they referenced those sites as places that people were murdered. Places that people lost their lives. Places that it's like the ground itself is holy in and not in a good way. It's like this is a negative land and we are not going to have anything positive happen here because we never want to water down what happened here.

Rich:

And I think that's what I was saying is more of, in America though, on these plantations, where they're giving tours and they got tour buses coming in, there's people getting married, and there's people living in these homes because they've, they've monetized it. And they made it seem like this is, let's go take a ride at Disney. Let's go do something fun. Let's go look and see what it, let's go looking through the lens and see what it must have been like to live in on a slave plantation. Instead of it being a place that is reverenced and treated like this was such a horrible part of our history. We have it here, so you'll never forget what happened. Not we have it here so we can make money off of it. And sadly, it's the white families that probably owned slaves that are making money off of it. They're still making money off slavery.

Nik:

Oh, definitely. Still making money off slavery.

Rich:

But I can't get my 40 acres and a mule.

You're listening to the Naked Proverbs podcast with Rich and Nik Scott. If you like what you're hearing Show your support by becoming a patron. All of our patrons receive exclusive benefits, like behind the scenes content, access to bonus audio, and Naked Proverbs merchandise To learn more, and to become a patron, visit the Naked Proverbs Patreon page www.patreon.com/nakedproverbs

Rich:

So, our topic today is cutting off the kids. And you know, I mean, we've got a teenager and we got two teenagers, but we've got one that's headed off to college. And I mean, it's time, right?

Nik:

No.

Rich:

Like, whoa, whoa, whoa. You said that way too quick. It's time to cut them off, right?

Nik:

No.

Rich:

Maybe you didn't hear what I said. So, we have a teenager. That is 18. She graduated from high school. She's off to college. It's time to cut her off, right?

Nik:

No. And my answer still is the same. And I heard you the first time. And here's the deal. We spend their whole lives, our kids’ whole lives telling them that we're here for them and you can always count on us. If you're ever in a bind, call me, I'll help you. I'm there for you. I'm here for you. I'm your mama, I'm your Daddy, I love you and I'll never forsake you. But then all of a sudden when they turn 18, everybody, including parents, sometimes, they're telling them you grown.

Rich:

Right.

Nik:

I ain't holding your hand no more. You need to take care of yourself. Handle your business. Like, that's mixed messages.

Rich:

And I agree. You know, I asked the question multiple times, just because, you know, it's that whole. We want to make it sound like ooh. But the truth is, you should never cut off your child. I think there are stages to that. My 25 year old at some point of her life has a job has an income. There's no point in me still paying her bills. But there's still knowledge that I have. There are still experiences that she doesn't know about or hasn't experienced that I should be able to still be there. So, I feel like especially in the Black community. We are so quick to be like you 18 you grown.

Rich:

Okay. Yes, in some ways. You are But why would you want your child to just be dropped off and just be like, figure it out. When you've already gone through these situations, or you've already stumbled and skinned up your knee really well. So, why do you want your child to skin up their knee? Like why do you, why would we want those same things to happen to our children, when we have knowledge and experience, experiences that we can share with our children. That doesn't mean they're going to listen. But at least we can know that we've tried to help them take that next step. And for me, I think that's part of why we don't have wealth in the Black community is because every generation is literally rebuilding the wheel. Because we don't want to pass on anything. Because you're 18 you're grown, I pulled myself by my own bootstraps, you figure it out.

Nik:

You on your own. And while you were talking, I thought about something. I thought about stepparents and marriages where the kids aren't necessarily one or the others biological child. And how a lot of times, and I've seen it in my own family, I've seen it with some of my friends, where one spouse still takes care of their child, whether it's financially or being there for them emotionally or whatever it is. And then the other spouse feels like, because you know, their kids didn't need them after they turned 18 that the spouse that is providing for their kid or being there for their kid or holding up their end of the bargain as a parent, they have a problem with that. And it causes friction in the marriage.

Nik:

And then the other thing that I was thinking about is, yes, I agree. When your kids are grown, you should be showing up for them in different ways, right? So different, different ages and different stages is the way that you're going to show up for your kids. But even if it is financially, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I don't think there's anything wrong with setting your kids up for success. No matter what that looks like. Now don't get it twisted. I'm not saying your kids should be codependent on you. And your kids should never grow up and pay their own bills,

Rich:

Right.

Nik:

I'm saying that why can't we work collectively, as a family as a unit to ensure that our entire branch of this tree, we talk about legacy a lot on this podcast, to make sure that our legacy is secure and set up for success?

Rich:

It's easy to look and say, Well, my child has a job and they're capable of now fending for themselves. Now, if your child for some reason as an adult is not able to fend for themselves, and they should be able to, then that's to me a learning opportunity, right? Let's sit down, baby girl and let's look at your budget. Let's look at what you have coming in. Let's look what you putting into your savings account, into your 401k, into your Roth, into your children's college fund. Even though you don't have children. Let's look at what you're doing with your funds. Oh, look at that you're shopping every week, every weekend and you're blowing money while you're out hanging out with your friends. That's perfectly fine. But let's create a budget so that you can do those things within your monetary realm not with mine. Because I'm also trying to help build you and your sister and your children that you don't have and your grandchildren that you don't have. We're trying to build them a legacy that'll be left as well. So, if you're not having those conversations, though, and you're just like, well, you figure it out. What you're going to end up with is a 30 year old child that has bad credit and can't do anything. Because you didn't help them understand your own woes that you had to face because no one told you.

Rich:

And we are talk about the Black community because well we're part of it. Black community we fail to have conversations about finances and about credit and about mistakes we made. So, then our children make the same mistakes. Then our children's children make the same mistakes, etc, etc. Right? Then we sit back and wonder why we're not moving forward. It's not just because the system is against us. Sometimes it's because we're against ourselves just as much as the system is.

Nik:

So, in the beginning of this conversation, you said that we have an 18 year old that is headed to college, and we should cut her off right?

Rich:

Naw. I was just joking.

Nik:

Well, yeah,

Rich:

Cause you know, I'm like, make it rain.

Nik:

Well, you are. We. And just to be clear, so everybody knows we kind of have slight differences in opinion about cutting off the kids and taking care of the kids and, and all of that.

Nik:

As our daughter is transitioning to go to university. I have been engaged in a lot of virtual conversations with administration at the university, and other parents and students. And one thing that the administration, she's going to an HBCU. And I put that out there because I do think that this might be something that's unique to HBCUs because it's unique to our culture, that the administration is consistently saying in the student sessions, your parents are not here to hold your hand anymore. Your parents are not here to hold your hand anymore. And I understand where they're coming from. But I do not agree with that. And what I will tell my child is, yes, I am here to hold your hand. I held your hand, when you were learning how to walk. You daddy held your hand when you learn how to ride a bike, we held your hand when we taught you how to drive, we held your hand all the way K through 12. We're not going to stop holding your hand. But that hand holding does look different. Like you're gonna have to manage your own timelines and deadlines and things like that. But if you need help with a English paper and you need somebody to proofread it, hell yeah. I'm gonna be there to proofread your paper because again, that collective responsibility that it's going to take to make sure that she's successful and not wasting my money. While she's at university.

Rich:

I would say that we've been hearing this message even before we started this, this track of her, you know, preparing to head off for college. Because I remember when she started her high school career, or you know, that stage, you know, we would try to advocate and the counselors and the teachers, well, we'd rather see the student advocate for themselves. So, you want my child that doesn't know how to write an email to advocate for themselves, and they don't even know what the word advocate means. And so, we kind of had to work through that where we were helping our children learn how to draft a professional email, we would proofread and you know, they'd send it from their email address, and then they'd have to follow up if nobody responded. They didn't know those things. Those were things that we were teaching them how to do.

Rich:

Now they're headed off to college and this is the way I look at it. My grandmother, Friday was her birthday and one day I was talking to her and I said something about Nana, I'm grown. And she was like, boy, you just a kid. And I'm like, I'm 40 years old, at this time, right? And I'm like, how is she gonna call me a kid. And I said that I was like Nana, because we have that kind of relationship. That's my buddy. I'm like Nana, I am 40 years old. I know, child. She was like, boy, I'm almost more than two times your age, you will always be a child to me. And I think as parents if we take that approach of my Nana and realize that we have a head start on life on our children.

Rich:

So, there's no reason for me to reach retirement and not be prepared, because I have parents that are in retirement. So, they should be telling me which they have, you know, hey, these are your major concerns. Health care is a huge concern in retirement. Or, hey, you know what, realize that you're going to be on a fixed income, so the more money you're able to store away will adjust that fixed income in one way or the other. And so, for me, I look at it the same way with my children. Anything that they are about to face, I've already faced it. Even something as simple as first day of college jitters, or it's raining, and you don't want to go to class. Like I've been there. And you know what I didn't do too good the first time. So, let me help you so you don't make the same stupid mistakes I made. Like, my legacy is directly dependent on the success of my children.

Nik:

So just to be clear, when is the appropriate time to cut off your kids?

Rich:

Never. There's never an appropriate time. You should always be pouring back into your children. Like I said, I think that there's possibly a financial point where they're like, look, you know, my child's putting money in her 401k and living the good life and buying red bottoms off of me. Well, yeah, she doesn't need my money.

Nik:

That doesn't mean that you still don't gift her money.

Rich:

Doesn't matter. I'm saying I'm talking about she should not have me as part of her budget. Like she should not say, well, I'm budgeting for a new car, a new apartment, some red bottoms, and my electric bill my gas bill and, hey Dad, you're covering this portion. Sounds like you need to reduce some of those bills if you are living on my income.

Nik:

Thanks, so much for tuning in to this week's episode of the Naked Proverbs podcast. We truly want you to have a marriage. A marriage? We definitely want y'all to have a marriage.

Rich:

Yes, get married, please get married.

Nik:

Please do it.

Rich:

Put, put a ring on it.

Nik:

If he liked it, then he should have put a ring on. We truly want you to have a happy marriage. We want you to continue to thrive in your marriages and indulge in your spouses on a regular basis. Don't forget to follow the Naked Proverbs on whatever podcasting platform you listen on. And we will talk to you on the next one.

Rich:

Peace.

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