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WHY THE HELL AM I PAYING FOR YOUR PARTY!?


In Episode 037 of the Naked Proverbs podcast, Rich and Nik Scott discuss the trend of hosts expecting guests to pay for celebrations.



Nik:

Welcome back to the Naked Proverbs podcast where we unclothe the truth about Black love family and marriage. My name is Nik Scott, one of your hosts, and I'm here with my husband,

Rich:

What's going on? It's your boy Rich, and today we are going to talk about why the hell am I paying for your party?

Nik:

Why am I paying for your party?

Nik:

Right at the start of every episode, we always remind our listeners that we are not. We are not trained, licensed or professional therapists or counselors. We have been married for, how long we been married?

Rich:

A long time.

Nik:

A long time. And we use Naked Proverbs as our platform to share our stories, our advice, our experience, and our opinions.

Rich:

That's right our opinion.

Nik:

Our opinion.

Rich:

It's my opinion, y'all.

Nik:

If you haven't already, make sure that you are following Naked Proverbs on whatever podcasting platform, you listen to your podcasts on. And if you like what you hear, make sure you stop and show us your love and support by giving us a five-star review on Apple podcasts. iTunes is the familiar thing

Rich:

For old people.

Nik:

But I realize that Apple has its own separate thing just for podcasts, and it's called Apple podcasts.

Rich:

As we do every week, we want to take a moment and say thank you to our listeners, as well as those that have been tuning in to our Talkback Live. Thank you.

Nik:

Thank y'all, we appreciate it. We see you. We see y'all

Rich:

And to prove to you we see you, we're gonna give a little shout out right now right. First, we want to shout out to, now if I mess up your name, I'm apologizing now. Shiketra White. I saw you sharing our posts. And I appreciate that. We love you. Thank you.

Nik:

She was on Facebook. Thanks, Shiketra.

Rich:

Now, this fan right here, they have been a die-hard loyal person from day one, from before day one. So, Ms. Renee Murphy. Thank you.

Nik:

That's my auntie y'all.

Rich:

We're not done. I mean now, I might miss some people, but I cannot miss these two, Dwayne and Wonder Moore.

Nik:

Yeah.

Rich:

We appreciate y'all sharing and the positive things you had to say as you shared our post. We love y'all. Thank you.

Nik:

Like for real for real? Some of the realest right there.

Rich:

Yeah, they always got our back and I appreciate that.

Rich:

And then last but not least, you were over on YouTube. See, now if y'all didn't notice we've mentioned Facebook, YouTube, where else we at?

Nik:

Instagram.

Rich:

Instagram. We all over the place.

Nik:

Yeah.

Rich:

But I want to thank the Life JOG on YouTube. Thank y'all for sharing and for commenting. We appreciate y'all tuning in.

Rich:

And just in case you missed what I said, I mentioned that we have a Talkback Live. It happens every Sunday at 8pm Eastern Standard Time. So, tune in tonight. We are timely, but you can come check us out and ask some questions, get some clarification, and just really interact with us.

Nik:

And that's eight o'clock pm Eastern Standard Time on our Facebook page. You can get all of the details about our Talkback Live on our website, our brand new website at www.nakedproverbs.com

Rich:

Why am I paying for your party? Like seriously? What is it that causes people to choose to throw a party, to invite people and then say, I need you to go ahead and put in yo, yo $5 or $10 like what is that?

Nik:

And it happens with adult parties, kid parties, graduation parties, wedding receptions, all types of celebrations, people are having these big blowout bashes and soirees and then making the guests pay their admission, making the guests pay for their meals, making the guests pay for other elements of the party that if you are the host, you should be responsible for.

Rich:

We're at a point right now where country starting to open up, and everybody has been locked down, everybody's like, ooh, what are you gonna do once you can really get around again? We've missed graduation parties, we've missed birthdays, we've missed anniversaries. We've missed all these things that we normally would celebrate. So, I'm going to make the assumption that people are going to try to make up for that right. And in that, I think it's important to understand that there is etiquette around throwing a party. And unfortunately, a lot of people, maybe they just didn't know, and they've always just done it wrong, but I have issue, I take serious issue when people invite me somewhere, and then have they hand out.

Rich:

I remember we went to a birthday party. And it was at a restaurant that we frequent, often, like, we know the general manager and everybody I mean, you know, it's good people. And literally, we were at this party, we're eating and like, I didn't get to pick my meal. I didn't get to pick out anything, meals were being just given. And in the end, like 30, people were trying to split a check at a high end restaurant. Like it just blew my mind. And I'm like, well, I got invited to a birthday. And it said, hey, we're having a birthday celebration for this individual. Could you come out? We'd love to see you there. Didn't nothing say hey, expect to be splitting the check 30 ways.

Nik:

Birthday parties are notorious for making people pay. When people have a birthday party. They feel like ooh, I'm turning 30, 40, 50. This particular party we went to that you're talking about was a 50 year old, a 50 year old’s birthday party y'all. And it was at a high end restaurant. And anybody who has hosted a dinner at a high end restaurant when you have above a certain number of guests in your party, they usually will make you order off and seat you in a separate area and order off of the banquet menu. Banquet menus are not designed to split up as if it were you and your home girls at happy hour on Tuesday. So, we are in this restaurant. We know the management here. We even saw our favorite manager.

Rich:

We did. He hooked us up. Like always.

Nik:

He did. And then at the end of the night, the check was what I don't know, maybe like $2200 or something like that?

Rich:

I don't know. I know I wanted to crawl under the table.

Nik:

And the host, the person who was throwing this party says, okay guys, now how do we want to take care of the check?

Rich:

So, appetizers had been given, we're in a private room To me The picture was painted that it's a party, it's all paid for and we just came to celebrate right. And literally when that happened, when she asked that question, there were people that started to, well, I didn't have no drink. Well, I didn't eat no Brussel sprouts. Well, I didn't. Like I mean, literally, I'ma be honest, we still have the check upstairs.

Nik:

It's tacky.

Rich:

We have the check. We still have the check. Because it was so unique. I had never seen a Brussel sprout broken down to one eighth of a Brussel sprout. So, I paid like 64 cents on a Brussel sprout or something like that. I'm serious. So, I kept it. I kept the receipt because it was memorable for me, because I never in my life seen anything like that.

Nik:

I'll post a picture of it on our Patreon page for our patrons. If you're not a patron, you can become a patron for as little as $2 on our Patreon page, and you can get the details about that on our website too. But if you are inviting people to an expensive restaurant that they normally wouldn't eat at, do not expect them to pay. I think restaurants are just one, one area where people are paying for other people's parties. On top of the fact that you got me paying

Rich:

for your party

Nik:

yeah, for my attendance. Like I'm paying to be at your party and then you want me to bring you a gift.

You're listening to the Naked Proverbs podcast with Rich and Nik Scott. If you like what you're hearing, show your support by becoming a patron. All of our patrons receive exclusive benefits, like behind the scenes content, access to bonus audio, and Naked Proverbs merchandise. To learn more and to become a patron, visit the Naked Proverbs Patreon page at www.patreon.com/nakedproverbs

Nik:

Another area where people do this a lot are these trips. Because everybody want to take a destination trip for their birthday, or whatever it is, whatever the occasion is. And I'm not saying that people should be paying for everybody to come to their party. But if I'm paying my way to get to St. Lucia,

Rich:

Costa Rica,

Nik:

wherever

Rich:

that's a great place to have a birthday.

Nik:

If I'm paying my own way to get there, and then I gotta pay for my lodging and all my food and all my drinks and all my entertainment too, like,

Rich:

that's called a vacation

Nik:

to come and celebrate your birthday when we could have stayed in Denver?

Rich:

My issue with all of it is, at the end of the day, a birthday, a graduation, a wedding, whatever it is, it's a special occasion. And I totally understand that. But I think that too many people want to try to live outside of their means. They want to portray this picture of I'm doing it bigger than they really can do.

Rich:

I had a 40th birthday party. It was a surprise birthday party at a high end steak restaurant. And my guests, I don't know, we have what 20 people?

Nik:

It was, let me think.

Rich:

I mean, because it was couples.

Nik:

It was about

Rich:

it was about 15, 20 people. It was even, so it'd be 14 to, it was between 14, 16 or 18.

Nik:

14 sounds, 14 sounds comfortable. Because that, because 20 was outside of my budget.

Rich:

So, and I think that's the key thing right here what you're saying. These people showed up. They came with gifts, and most of them were really close friends. And we talked about it later on. And they were like, man, we didn't expect Nik to foot the full bill. There was never any, hey can I, can I get $10 from everybody here? Hey, can I? Like my wife is like me, if we couldn't afford to have done that, then either we would have done it at a smaller scale that we could afford to do it at, or we wouldn't have done it at all. And I think unfortunately, too many people choose to try to have this extravagant event that they can't afford to have, then they want to foot me with the bill. That is not right.

Nik:

It's not right. It's not cute.

Rich:

I think you're cheap.

Nik:

I don't think you're cheap,

Rich:

No, you're cheap.

Nik:

I think that with the access that we have to celebrity's lives, has a huge influence and impact on the way that regular people who don't make millions and millions and millions of dollars an hour, it has a huge influence on the way that we live our lives. In the past when we were growing up. We didn't know what a celebrity's house looked like or where they were vacationing or what yacht they were on, on any given day. But social media allows us to have that access.

Nik:

It's almost like we want to live this lifestyle. Maybe it's fake, and maybe it isn't fake, but we want to make people believe we're living this lifestyle that we really shouldn't be living. And if it's not within your means that I don't think that it's something that you should, should be striving for.

Nik:

I don't know if I'm making any sense with all of this. But I do feel like this influence of social media. There's such an emphasis on travel and lifestyle and all of this stuff. It's almost like that FOMO, that fear of missing out, if I'm not doing it, that I'm missing out on something. Like I have to do it right now.

Rich:

You mentioned when we were children. When we were children, we had birthday parties at people's houses. Honestly, I don't think I've ever had a birthday party until I was grown. I'm not saying don't have birthday parties, but you can bring it back to a point that is within your means so that you don't have to have people paying. Like well, it's gonna be $2 a slice of pizza. Well, if you ordering pizza and I got to pay for it, then maybe I didn't want pizza. Maybe I wanted tacos. Like if I have to pay for it, you're not gonna get to dictate what it looks like. But when you're trying to throw a party or do something that you really can't do or probably shouldn't be doing and then you have other people paying for it, you are dictating how they spend their money.

Nik:

The bottom line for me is, is if you're going to host something, be a host. What does it mean to be a host? A host is somebody that is making sure all of the guests are taken care of. All of the guests are comfortable. All of the guests are happy. And the host is the one that is making the sacrifice when they're giving, when they're putting on an event.

Rich:

And especially when you think there may be some people that can't afford to just on the drop of a dime be told, hey, you you're, you as a couple need to give us $150 for this meal. What if you didn't have any money? What if you didn't come prepared to do that? To me is not free. That's not love, that is not the way you should do it. If you invite me or you invite someone to something, then you should be prepared to take care of that, you shouldn't expect them to come in and have to cover the bill. Because like I said, they may not even be in a position to do that.

Nik:

So, it's clear how we feel about whether or not guests should be paying for parties, right? So, I guess my question is, then is it ever okay to ask guests to pay for parties?

Nik:

Because I posted an article on my Facebook page probably two years ago now. And it was an article that literally basically said, I'm tired of paying for your birthday parties. And this person in the article said that she no longer even goes to parties if she feels like she has to pay for them. And I posted that article on my Facebook page and I promise people stopped inviting us to things after I posted that article, which is fine, but is there ever an occasion an instance where guests should pay or, or it's okay for guests to pay?

Rich:

I don't think it's really is it okay? But are you letting them know. If you ask me? No, there's never a reason that my guests should be paying for anything I invite them to. However, if there ever comes a time where I want to do something super huge, like, I want to have my birthday party in Costa Rica, that's a great place to have a birthday party. And I invite all my boys and their spouses, and I can't afford, I need to make sure I let them know like, look, y'all are paying to get to Costa Rica, you're paying for your hotel. I might be paying for dinner on my birthday for everybody. But you are paying to get there.

Rich:

So, I think that, you know, that's one of those occasions where, not necessarily it's okay to have somebody else pay, but you need to let people know. It should never be blindsided. Hey, by the way,

Nik:

Right.

Rich:

Like that, to me is even worse than the fact that you invited me to begin with expecting me to pay and not even telling me. Like that's crazy.

Nik:

Yeah. Now that is a great point. If you do expect your guests to pay, they should be notified and alerted of that fact before they get there. Because we opened up talking about the dinner. There was no notification. And it was clear that people there, it was a very expensive restaurant guys and I'm not trying to make it sound like you know, we're these hoity toity, whatever. But it was a very expensive restaurant. Like there was a lady that was literally on the phone with her bank.

Rich:

Yes, yes.

Nik:

Because she wanted to make sure that she had enough money in her bank account to pay for her meal. That is rude.

Rich:

Unfortunately, that lady, and I don't know, but she may have taken money from somewhere else to pay for a meal that she wouldn't have even eaten. Like who, she I wouldn't have gone and gotten no $60 steak and one fourth of a Brussel sprout. You know, she would have been like, you know, I know that I can't afford this, so, no, I'm not going to this. But when you don't tell someone their paying, then they end up, I had a friend that happened to. He and his wife went out to dinner with some friends, celebrating an event. And it was even worse than ours. And if he hadn't just gotten paid that day and had some money in his pocket. He was like, I would have been sitting there like we can't afford this. Because he had no clue that they were going to have to pay.

Nik:

I guess, how would you feel if you were a guest and you were caught off guard and blindsided like that with hundreds of dollars? Hundreds of dollars?

Rich:

It's not right.

Nik:

Or what about a pitch in? Pitch in, I think it's okay, like if you're having a pitch in type situation.

Rich:

What do you mean, what is that? Like a potluck?

Nik:

Like a potluck. Yeah.

Rich:

That ain't the same.

Nik:

Okay. Well, I mean,

Rich:

For a potluck, like everybody, like as an example, Super Bowl. You know, if you didn't know the Kansas City Chiefs won the Super Bowl this year

Nik:

Go Chiefs.

Rich:

and we had a Super Bowl party. And everybody's like, well, what do you want me to bring? You know, because that's just kind of what we do, right? We all ask, well, we're having an event, we're having a party, what do you want me to bring? And because we were covering all the main meats and meal stuff, whatever it was kind of like well bring dessert or bring your favorite drink. You tell people that so, why would you not expect the same type of courtesy if it's an event that you actually have to pay money out of your pocket?

Nik:

We're talking about party etiquette. When you get invited to somebody's house, it is proper etiquette to bring something. Don't show up empty handed. If you're coming to our house, I don't expect anything

Rich:

I do.

Nik:

I don't expect you to bring anything and that's why when people ask, I'm like you don't have to bring anything. And when people tell me not to bring anything 80% of the time, I'm going to show up with something regardless. If you want something that you want, you might as well tell me what it is that you want because I'm showing up with something in my hand anyway.

Rich:

Because I like cake and cookies and sweets. So, if you come to our house, just bring some cakes and cookies and sweets, not because I need them, but because I like them.

Nik:

Did we say everything wanted to say? It sounded like we were just bashing people over the head.

Rich:

Yeah, we were. Because they should be bashed. It's a loser move to invite me to your, whatever.

Nik:

It's not loser, it's rude. It is rude.

Rich:

Yeah, rude people are losers.

Nik:

Like it is rude to invite my kid to a birthday party and then I got to pay for them to get in to wherever you decide you having the birthday party. That's rude.

Rich:

Because remember, we had one of our kids had a birthday party at Elitch's.

Nik:

It's an amusement park out here if y'all don't know what Elitch's is.

Rich:

Our kids used to get passes every year, so we didn't have to pay for them. But their friends that came along, we paid for their friends. We weren't like, hey, you need to tell your mama to give you $30 to get into the amusement park. Like seriously? Come on now.

Nik:

The food.

Rich:

I mean, cuz we had that lil cabana.

Nik:

Well, like the thing is for us, if your kids are with us, they are Scotts as long as they're with us. They get all the rights and privileges as our kids.

Rich:

And we fed them.

Nik:

We feed, we feed the kids.

Rich:

I mean, like to me, if I'm telling you it's a birthday party. It's not, well, it's a birthday party except you don't get no cake. Well, it's a birthday party except you got to pay for. At the end of the day. I do not expect to have to pay for somebody else's birthday party.

Nik:

Or any party.

Rich:

Or someone else's wedding, or somebody else's welcome home, or somebody else's graduation. The list is long. At the end of the day, if you invite me, I do not expect to pay. And I think that it's okay if you don't feel that way, that you choose not to invite me. I'm good with that. And now spending my money on what I want to spend it on. Not on your birthday party.

Nik:

Oh, my goodness.

Rich:

It's true.

Rich:

That's like inviting somebody to a coffee shop for coffee or inviting somebody to go to lunch

Nik:

That's a good one.

Rich:

then being like, I called you out the blue, invited you and said let's get coffee, and now I'm sitting here waiting on you to pay.

Nik:

That. Right there. Now, if I invite you, if I reach out to you, I am treating. That means It's my treat. That doesn't mean hey, girl, hey, guy, let's meet up for lunch and catch up, whatever we doing, and then we split the bill. I mean, if that's what we decide when the check comes, that's one thing, but it's always my intention that I'm going to treat.

Rich:

I agree. Because I invite a lot of people out to lunch and to coffee just because of my job. But even if it's not because of work related, and I'm like, hey, what you been up to I haven't talked to you in a minute let's grab lunch. Like people that know me. They know, ooh, that's a free lunch. They know that. Because they know if I'm calling you to say let's go grab lunch, that I'm not saying let's go grab lunch so you can pay for it. I mean, because to me, I go back to, if I am inviting you somewhere, I am choosing to host you, even if it's just me and you, I'm still hosting you because I invited you.

Nik:

That's right. That, that one is good right there. That's not a party. But that's still a situation. I don't necessarily expect people when they invite me to lunch or coffee or brunch or whatever to pay.

Rich:

I don't have that same expectation of others.

Nik:

Yeah. Not with that.

Rich:

When it comes to those things.

Nik:

Yeah.

Rich:

Yeah. Because I've come to realize that you know, I'm different.

Nik:

Alright.

Rich:

You good this time? You got something else to say?

Nik:

That was you. We started talking about,

Rich:

I wasn't done. I told you I wasn't done. I said I got more to say,

Nik:

Yo, Dre, I got something to say.

Rich:

What you gotta say?

Nik:

I'm waiting for you.

Rich:

I thought you had something to say?

Nik:

No that was my Ice Cube impersonation.

Rich:

Well. Ice Cube ain't inviting people places and making them pay.

Nik:

Oh man. No, he's not.

Rich:

Know how I know?

Nik:

Because his wife is a class act.

Rich:

No. I was gonna say you ain't ever watched Boyz N The Hood?

Rich:

When Dough Boy got out the pen for the hundredth time and they had the BBQ qt the very beginning of the movie, you didn't see people breaking off checks. You didn't see people talking about here. Thank you for inviting me to your barbecue. Here's my $10.

Nik:

Of course.

Nik:

That is such a good point. Because back in the day when we used to have those backyard barbecues and those house parties unless it was like a rent party, because let's be clear people used to throw rent parties, or mortgage parties or car note parties or whatever, but people would open up their backyard or their house right and throw a party.

Rich:

Because they did it at the level, they could do it. They didn't try to take it to this extreme. They didn't go to the most expensive restaurant because they knew they couldn't afford that. But what they could afford was to get some drinks, throw something on that grill, put on some music and have a good time in the backyard. So, to me, it's like you don't have to eliminate having a good time with your friends or your family or whoever. You just have to eliminate trying to do it outside of your means.

Nik:

Rich? Are you done?

Rich:

I'm done, now. Get off my soapbox. Stop giving my opinion.

Nik:

Thank you so much for tuning in to

Rich:

Wait one more time. One more time. One more thing.

Nik:

Okay,

Rich:

I'm just playing.

Nik:

Thank you so much for tuning in to this week's episode of the Naked Proverbs podcast. We truly want you to have a happy marriage. We want you to continue to thrive in your marriages and indulge in your spouses on a regular basis. Don't forget to follow the Naked Proverbs on whatever podcasting platform you listen to your podcasts on. And I want to see y'all tonight at eight o'clock pm Eastern Standard Time on our Facebook page.

Rich:

Yeah. Tune in.

Nik:

Until next time, y'all.

Rich:

Peace.

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