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You have to HAVE SEX for your marriage to work


In Episode 025 of the Naked Proverbs podcast, Rich and Nik Scott talk about sex.



Nik:

Welcome back to the Naked Proverbs podcast where we unclothe the truth about Black love family and marriage. My name is Nik Scott, one of your hosts and I'm here with my husband,

Rich:

What's going on is your boy Rich, and today we are going to talk about sex.

Nik:

Right at the start of every episode, we have to remind our listeners that we are not trained, licensed or professional therapists or counselors. We have been married quite a while and we use Naked Proverbs as our platform to share our advice, our experience our stories, and our opinions.

Nik:

If you haven't already, make sure that you are following the Naked Proverbs on whatever platform you listen to your podcasts on. And if you like what you hear, show us your love and support by giving us a five-star rating on iTunes or whatever platform form you are listening on right now.

Rich:

Thank you to our listeners, our new listeners, our old listeners, all of those that have chosen to tune in, we appreciate your support. And we look forward to spending many more weeks with you.

Rich:

It's very important for me to bring this up. The Kansas City Chiefs won the Super Bowl. It was just a week ago today. So, it's still new news. And maybe some of y'all didn't know that.

Nik:

It's, okay to bring it up. It had been, what, 50 years since they won a Super Bowl. So, if you want to talk about it for the next however many years,

Rich:

50 years.

Nik:

Well, let's hope it's not another 50 years before they win the Super Bowl again.

Rich:

But I'm gonna talk about this one for the next 50

Nik:

Okay,

Rich:

I'm gonna keep talking about so next week. y'all get ready to hear me say congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs for winning the Super Bowl.

Nik:

It was a big win.

Rich:

But you know what was more surprising to me is the amount of conversation, not around the fact that the Chiefs were down by 10 points came back. Not the fact that Patrick Mahomes threw two interceptions, something he hadn't done, like ever. The talk was not about all these great things. The talk has been and continues to be about the halftime show.

Nik:

Which was so dry to me. Oh, my goodness, I don't even understand. Maybe that's why people are talking about it. Because it was so bunk, that if people weren't talking about it, people would have just forgot who performed at this year's halftime.

Rich:

No. That is not what people are talking about.

Nik:

I know. But they're trying to make it seem like it was something and it was nothing like nothing about it was nothing. It was all nothing.

Rich:

I didn't even really pay attention, honestly, during halftime. Matter of fact, somebody posted a question and said let's talk about the elephant in the room. Well, what were your thoughts at halftime? I believe that's what it said. And my first thought was, well, at halftime, it was 10 to 10. But we weren't playing very well. So, I was like, you know, I was a little concerned about us not scoring like I thought we would and blowing out, who do we play again, on the 49ers. But, uh, you know, I was totally focused on the score and my team and us trying to win a Super Bowl. And then I went back, and I was reading all these comments and people were actually talking about what they felt was the vulgarity of the halftime show.

Nik:

First of all, where do these people live? They must live somewhere in the great state of Kansas where the Kansas City Chiefs actually play football.

Rich:

No, they don't. Who are you? President Trump. That was the funniest thing also, if you didn't see the president really believe that the Kansas City Chiefs were from the great state of Kansas.

Nik:

But to be clear, there is a Kansas City, Kansas and Kansas City, Missouri.

Nik:

However, the halftime show, I watched it. I watched all of it because I love Shakira, and I love my Boricua sister, JLo. And I could not believe the amount of conversation that took place afterwards. I mean, obviously, she was on a pole and we, at our Super Bowl party, we were commenting on the pole dancing, and we were sitting at the table talking about, well, we need to get together and do a pole dancing class together. You know, some of us were like, nah, because I'll have the upper body strength and then when JLo got up there with her 50 year old ass, and she was swinging on that thing, like she was 17 we were all like, well, if she could do it, then we could do it right.

Nik:

We were looking at it, I guess from a different lens. I didn't see anything inappropriate with what they were wearing. These are performers.

Rich:

It's a show.

Nik:

These are performers. JLo built her entire career from shaking her ass from what was the show she used to be on In Living Color? Shaking her ass. I mean, that's what she did. She was known for her big ol booty for up until now she ain't got no booty because as you age, if you don't know, booty kind of, if you ain't got no real booty, it kind of goes away. But the point is, I didn't see anything wrong with it.

Nik:

And in my opinion, I believe if you're concerned about oh, it's a family show. Well, guess what I promise you if your kids are in middle school or high school and sometimes elementary school, depending upon what metropolitan area you live in, I promise they're being exposed to much more vulgarity than what Shakira and Jennifer Lopez did at the halftime show last week.

Rich:

And I had somebody say something that I was like, huh? That's pretty good. What they said was if you are expecting a halftime show that's sponsored by brands of alcohol and all kinds of other, you know, branding that came out to produce something that is wholesome, and just perfectly fit for your family values, you're sadly mistaken.

Rich:

And the reality is, the Superbowl is about making money. It's not even about the football game. It is about making money. When companies are spending. I think it said $5.6 million for every 30 seconds of an ad. Believe me, they don't care about your family values. So, unfortunately, that is the world we live in. Not just the America we live in, but the world we live in. It is a capitalistic world where money is what the focus is on. So, again, I didn't see anything wrong with it. I didn't really focus on it because I mean that's I've never really cared I don't care if it was when Prince performed years ago.

Nik:

Prince performed at the Superbowl?

Rich:

He has. When Janet Jackson performed like I'm be honest, I don't care about halftime. I'm like, get through it so we can get back to the game. But I have to agree with you that there are so many things out there that, quote unquote, are unwholesome for our children. And unless you are checking your child's phone on a regular basis,

Nik:

and most people aren't,

Rich:

unless you are monitoring what websites, they're going to, unless you are around and finding out who they're hanging out with at school and free time. You need to get off your high horse and realize that you aren't doing your part. And you shouldn't be mad that the TV's not doing theirs either.

Nik:

There's way bigger things, you know. And I think that some of the people who were offended by this, because of the, their children saw Jennifer Lopez swinging on a pole. I mean, she was half naked, but she's always half naked. And if they're offended by that, yes, I do agree that it is a high horse. But check your own self before you wreck yourself. It's like what do you have going on with your kids and raising your children that you are so, you feel so offended as if your kids have never seen anything like that? Like, this is 2020 in America, I promise. Like I said they have seen things and been exposed to things much worse than that. Just because you don't know about it doesn't mean that they haven't seen it or that they're not engaging in it or they haven't been exposed to it.

Rich:

And if for some crazy reason, your children have never been exposed to anything like that.

Rich:

That, to me is a great opportunity to have conversation.

Nik:

Teachable moment. Yup.

Rich:

Instead of always looking at everything as an attack on your spirituality or some negative thing. It's a great opportunity for you to take that as a parent and say, you know, this is a teachable moment, a couple things could be taught here. You know what, we should never objectify a woman's body just because of what she's wearing, son. It's okay that she wears that because you know what, that's what she's confident in, and that's what she wants to wear. Or you know what, sweetheart? If you want to wear that, wear that but understand that it doesn't require you to wear that to be sexy.

Rich:

You know, I think there are some great conversations that can be had around the Superbowl halftime show, but unfortunately, those aren't the conversations that are being had. It's a lot of

Nik:

Judgment.

Rich:

judgmental, spiritual,

Nik:

Yep. Religious.

Rich:

religious, wrongdoing conversations, and not deeper, better conversations. And, you know, one last thing I'm saying before I pass the mic is, you know, I grew up in a very religious, spiritual household. And when I left home at 18, there were some things I'd never been exposed to. And I went to Atlanta, and I lost my mind.

Nik:

You've said that before.

Rich:

Why did I lose my mind? Because my parents kept me sheltered. And there weren't these conversations happening.

Nik:

And there was no internet.

Rich:

Exactly. So, it was like if I didn't know what it happened or didn't know somebody that had done it, then I didn't know about it, right. So, it's a very fine line between keeping your children safe and sheltered from the craziness that's out there. And totally just acting like it's not there and sticking your head in the sand, because at some point, they are going to have to face these things. And you as a parent should have prepared them for that.

Nik:

two things I want to say and then I'm done talking about the Superbowl and halftime show, because first of all, I was more offended by the fact that Shakira came out with almost a plain face. Doing a performance like you are performing everything's supposed to be exaggerated. But

Nik:

A) we have a whole episode where we talk about what your daughters should and shouldn't be wearing, and the impact that that has on our community, on our daughters and our sons. So, you can go back and hear our opinions about how we feel about the way our daughters should be dressing and how much control we should have over what our daughters are choosing to wear and why.

Nik:

Secondly, the other part of the conversation that I'm seeing on the internet regarding the Super Bowl is all about how women we've come too far to have to do these types of things. I feel like that was a very progressive performance because let's be clear. Yes, people are shunning JLo and Shakira for what they wore in their entire performance. But let's be clear, 50, 60 years ago, they wouldn't have even thought to wear anything like that even if they wanted to, because of the backlash that they would have gotten. So, 50, 60 years ago, they would have got backlash. They're getting backlash today. So, is it really regression or is it progression?

Rich:

And let's not forget JLo 50 plus, y'all.

Nik:

Boom.

Rich:

Don't be jealous. Get out there and get your body right.

Nik:

Did you see her arms?

Rich:

Man, I mean, both of them. I was like, dang. Like, I'm be real. I couldn't belly dance because my belly would take up half the screen. Right? But I mean, Shakira came out there able with her little six pack boom, and I mean, I mad at you.

You're listening to the Naked Proverbs podcast with Rich and Nik Scott. If you like what you're hearing, show your support by becoming a patron All of our patrons receive exclusive benefits like behind the scenes content, access to bonus audio, and Naked Proverbs merchandise. To learn more and to become a patron visit the Naked Proverbs Patreon page www.patreon.com/nakedproverbs

Rich:

I believe Salt-n-Pepa said it best. Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Was it them? Am I right?

Nik:

That was Salt-n-Pepa

Rich:

I mean because you gave me that look like I didn't know what I'm talking about, but I'm pretty sure that they said it.

Nik:

I can't believe you said that.

Rich:

Let's talk about sex.

Nik:

All the songs about sex.

Rich:

Hey, that's the best one though. Let's talk about it. And I think what I loved about it was it wasn't a man saying it right. It was them breaking down that barrier of we could talk about it too, because unfortunately, when we talk about sex, it's always from the man's point of view, right? I want more of it. I want it like this. It needs to be like that. But what about the woman? Doesn't she have a voice in this? I mean, she's a part of this. She shouldn't be. I mean, I hope so.

Nik:

She should be. And I think this really, really goes well with the conversation we had at the beginning of the episode talking about progression of women. Right. We have been shunned for being sexual for so long, that it's almost uncomfortable for some women, and especially in marriage, which is weird to me to be a part, an active part of the conversation and the involvement and the act of sex.

Rich:

When we came up with this topic you know, one of the things you said was, well, how do we want to attack this topic? I mean, the word sex, and especially we're talking about in marriage it's a broad topic. You could talk about just should you have sex and marriage; you could talk about pornography in marriage. You could talk about infidelity. I mean, sex is such a broad topic when you're talking about marriage. But today, we really want to focus on the importance of having sex in a marriage, and how that can bring a couple closer together.

Rich:

Even in research, because of course, there's research on everything right? And who doesn't want to research sex? I mean, every scientist is like, that's the job I want. So, they've done their research, and they have proven that marriages that have regular sex going on, have a higher level of commitment. They're more connected emotionally, and long term, they're less likely to divorce.

Nik:

Can we define what regular sex in marriage means?

Rich:

Well, for me, it means every day.

Nik:

Mm hmm.

Rich:

But for you,

Nik:

Mm hmm.

Rich:

It may mean five times a week. And for our listeners, it may mean once a month. So, I think my point is, what is regular to one person may not be regular to another, but it's not so much what's regular to me individually.

Nik:

Mm hmm.

Rich:

It's what we as a couple can come up with as this is regular.

Nik:

So, y'all know that I am a fan of the Atlanta Housewives. I'm not a fan of all the housewives shows. Only Atlanta and Potomac. Those are the only two I watch. And I remember years ago, it was one of these wannabe housewives. I think it was one of Nene's friends from wherever she's from in Georgia. She was saying that her and her husband had an agreement that they would have sex every other day. Like they literally had it scheduled and planned out. And that's what worked for them. And then on another show, I don't know if it was Atlanta or Potomac, or wherever I heard this from. It was another wife, it might have been on that show that comes on the, the OWN channel, where one of the wives that says something along the lines of if it's more than three days, then I know that I need to step up and make sure that we're having sex because let's be clear sex. And this isn't to say that women aren't sexual, and we don't get horny and we don't want, what you call it last week?

Rich:

The dick.

Nik:

and we don't want it because that's not true. We get horny, we want it. But let's be clear, it's not typically something that we're just feening in for all the time.

Rich:

I am.

Nik:

But men are. So, for a lot of wives, it's easy for sex to not be as high on the priority list as it is for our husbands. So, I guess now My question is, if a couple sits down and says, okay, well, we're going to come up with this regularly scheduled programming of sex.

Rich:

That's not fun.

Nik:

That's not to say that we're gonna eliminate any opportunity for spontaneity.

Rich:

Look.

Nik:

I'm just trying to get to the bottom. How does a couple decide or come to regular sex? Like what is that?

Rich:

I mean, I think that if you find in your marriage that your spouse, husband, wife doesn't matter, right, because like I said earlier, we always put it on the husband, but there are women out there that want it more often than their husbands. So, if you get to the point where you feel that your spouse is not sexually satisfied, then it's time for you all to have a real conversation about that, like, well, what's going on? And I think that that kind of leads me into, you have to have realistic expectations, though. You know, I can't expect my wife to go to work all day deal with the kids, run them around, deal with the dogs, cook a meal, and then feel like having sex. Because what I believe is that when it becomes to the point where you're just laying there just to do it, then you're missing the whole point of it anyway. Like, are there moments where you, you know, you just be like, whatever, get done, go to sleep? Yes, I think that happens in marriage. But that should not be the routine. And that definitely shouldn't be the norm. So, for me, when we start talking about what is a good number for regular scheduled sex, you know, how much sex should you have?

Nik:

How much sex should you have?

Rich:

Look, I told you I'd have sex every day and I'd be totally happy with that.

Nik:

Yeah.

Rich:

But I also know that that's not realistic. So, for me, I think it is being able to be realistic in your marriage and having those conversations because let's be real, most people are not having those conversations. They're not having preemptive strikes on this to say, you know what, look, sweetheart last month, we had sex three times. And honestly, that just didn't do it for me. I enjoyed it. I'm not saying I didn't love it, but three times, I mean, it's 31 days in the month, 30 days, 29 this this month, whatever it is, right? And I think that you have to communicate, like, that's what creates that opportunity to figure out what is your normal? Because like I said, you might have a husband and wife that both like to get it in, and they like once a day? Fool we twice a day. You know, so I don't want to slow his roll down because or hers because I'm a once a day guy. I could be coming to twice a day. I can become a twice a day guy. I don't know if I can do more than twice though. I'm getting old.

Nik:

So, I have to. So, I kind of chuckled just a little bit. When you said three times in one month.

Rich:

Oh, yeah, it happens. I've heard people say it. It ain't never happened to me.

Nik:

I don't want to sound like I'm judging. But I do want to point out how much we talk about the value and the importance of connecting with your spouse on this podcast. And if you are, if there are 31 days, this is February, so there's 29 days this month. If you're only having sex with your spouse three days out of 29 What is that percentage? Is that even a whole percentage?

Rich:

Hold on, let me get on my phone and do this math.

Nik:

And if the research is true, that says sex matters so much in marriage, that it increases your level of commitment to each other and it helps you to connect emotionally. What is that saying about your commitment level to your husband or your wife? Or how much you really, truly want to be connected to that person

Rich:

It's 1%. It's 1%.

Nik:

1%. if you were putting forth 1% effort in any other area...at work, if you're a student at school, what would happen

Rich:

You'd be getting an F.

Nik:

Or fired.

Rich:

Yeah.

Nik:

So, I think like that's..I wasn't judging, but I'm thinking about it. I try not to judge.

Rich:

That is something that you should be judged on. What the Bible say, Judge not that ye be not judged?

Nik:

See, that doesn't even apply to this.

Rich:

Come judge me. And I'm gonna tell you now I'm better than 1%.

Nik:

Well, and not to be bragging either, right? Like we don't want people to feel like, I mean, we're in your business like we've been in business since day one on this podcast, and we're gonna continue to dig up into business. And if you don't like it, you know what it's like we've said before, it's our podcasts and sorry.

Rich:

I look at it. And I say, Are there reasons? Because there may be a reason, right? Maybe you've got health issues, like legit, you know, it could be that time a month, where, you know, let's not, you know, I mean, maybe it's not the best time. Maybe you just had a baby, maybe. You know, I mean, you've had to work a really hectic schedule or you're traveling for work. I mean, are there excuses? Or let me excuse me. Are there reasons?

Nik:

Yes, please don't call them excuses, because those are all valid reasons.

Rich:

Those are legitimate, valid reasons. So, there are reasons that maybe you aren't having sex as much as you would like, or as much as you know, you normally would. But if that is the norm, none of those things or you don't have a really good reason. And you just, every night got a headache or every night you're too tired or, you know, you always got to work late every night. Come on. Do better.

Nik:

And I want to be clear because we did not clarify at the beginning of this podcast you mentioned infidelity, as a subtopic of sex. Today, we are specifically talking about sex between a husband and a wife who are married to each other.

Rich:

In a happy, healthy relationship.

Nik:

So, we're not talking about sex with your side chick or your boo. This, today's episode, we're talking about sex in the construct of marriage. And on Friday, I sure hope that there's gonna be a whole lot of sex being had because it's Valentine's Day. And I hope there's a whole lot of sex being had between

Rich:

On Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and next Sunday. Like, come on. Now, we don't need no special day or somebody to tell me I can tell my wife, I love her.

Nik:

If that's what works for people, then

Rich:

people change, then if that's what's working for you, change it up, make it better.

Nik:

But if it's, if that's good for them, you're saying, Okay, let me get this. Let me get this straight. If it's working for people, if they're like, you know what Friday night is sex night. And this year, Friday night just happens to be Valentine's Day, which means it's the one time of year that I actually buy flowers and candy for my spouse. If that's what works for them and they're not unhappy and nobody's bothered by that. Why do they need, if it ain't broke, why they need to fix it?

Rich:

I'm gonna tell you why you need to fix it because there will come point, that once a year buying flowers for your wife is not enough. Not to her. If you want your marriage to grow, then you should never be good with this is good enough. And we're both happy. Never. And that's just my opinion. You know, I don't think that you should ever get into such routines and habits, because everything is good.

Rich:

You know, I, I'm on a Facebook group with a bunch of veterans. And I was reading a post and it's all about, you know, preventing veteran suicide. Amazing group, but I'm in this group, and somebody was talking about PTSD. And they said, man is something wrong with me because I don't have PTSD after some of the things that I've seen and done. And somebody comes in and they say, get help now. And people are like, what? And the man comes back. He's like, look, I'm a Vietnam vet. I didn't have any problems from 30 years, everything was good. Everything was okay. And then one day, I don't know what happened. I don't know what triggered me. But I had a total meltdown and had to start getting help.

Rich:

And to me, I feel like what we just described that marriage where everything seems okay. And then she's sitting down and he's sitting down with their friends and they start to find out like, there's another level to this? You can create issues in your marriage because you're avoiding actually pushing the boundaries and being better at your marriage.

Nik:

So, that was real deep what you just said, and I think that you know, not to change the subject or cut it short. But I do think that that deserves a whole episode conversation, right? Because we do, one of our top 18 tips that we gave in podcasts, the very first podcast we did was, you should be growing in your marriage and I believe just knowing who you are and knowing you since you were a child, and,

Rich:

I was a man.

Nik:

you are not a man,

Rich:

A teenage man,

Nik:

a teenage man. I feel like that's what you're saying, like, you should never be satisfied at any level in your marriage. And I'm the type of person and you've known me since I was a teenage woman, that I'm never gonna be satisfied. I used to say it, then I say it now I will never ever, ever, ever, ever, there's never going to be a level that I reach in my life and in my marriage, and as a mother, but I'm like, cool.

Rich:

And I think that that though, is what can lead to a sexless marriage. You know, because we're talking about sex and marriage as if it's happening. But reality is there are some marriages that are happening right now, where they're not even getting it three times a month. It's a legit sexless marriage. And it's gotten to that point because of stagnation. It's gotten to that point because of routine. It's gotten to that point because well, we put it on the schedule we just supposed to do it. But eventually that gets old.

Nik:

Or it could have been something happened, and I don't want yo ass touching me ever no more, but we just haven't gotten brave enough or whatever it is to make the separation official.

Rich:

There are ways if you're in a sexless marriage to get out of it, just like we talked last week about getting out of a rut if you're in a sexless marriage and you want to get out of that situation. I don't mean get out, like go out and find a side chick like you was talking about earlier. Right. I'm talking about you and your spouse getting out of that sexless marriage rut, there are things you can do to make that happen.

Nik:

The truth of the matter is, is that people do believe that once you get married, the sex is gone. And it's just not single people who believe that it's married people who also believe that.

Rich:

And you definitely don't want the sex to be gone, because like we said in the beginning, it does have a huge impact on the level of connection you have in your marriage and the level of intimacy. So, when you end up in a sexless marriage, understand that it will begin to erode the foundation of your marriage itself.

Nik:

And other areas of your marriage. Right? Even if it's not the foundation that will definitely, ultimately end up getting to the root of it. But not being connected with your spouse through sex seeps into other areas of your marriage. It just does.

Rich:

And, you know, we said earlier, you know, you may end up in a sexless marriage, or you could find yourself there. Getting out of that rut is not just having sex.

Nik:

No, because it can't be just the routine of sex like you have to start from the basics in the beginning.

Rich:

So, it really is simple things like we talked about, we've talked about in the past about physical attraction. Maybe your spouse has lost that physical attraction to you because you haven't done your part. Have some date nights, have some touching. Like we've talked about, you know the challenge we had which was hold each other in bed for five minutes before you get up out of the bed. Remember that challenge? Right? Those types of things can reignite a sexless marriage and lead to sexual intimacy.

Nik:

Thank you so much for tuning in to this week's episode of the Naked Proverbs podcast. We want you to truly have a happy marriage. We want you to continue to thrive in your marriages and indulge in your spouses on a regular basis. Don't forget to follow Naked Proverbs on whatever podcasting platform you listen on.

Nik:

And we will be talking to y'all in the next one.

Rich:

Peace.

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