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You need to OWN YOUR SH*T!


In episode 049 of the Naked Proverbs podcast, Rich and Nik Scott talk about taking ownership of the hurtful things you say.



Nik:

Welcome back to the Naked Proverbs podcast where we unclothe the truth about Black love family and marriage. My name is Nik Scott, one of your hosts, and I'm here with my husband.

Rich:

What's going on? It's your boy rich. And today, we're gonna talk about owning your shit.

Nik:

Right at the start of every episode, we always remind you that we are not trained, licensed, or professional therapists or counselors. We have been married for quite a while and Naked Proverbs is our platform to share our advice, our experience, our stories, and our opinions.

Nik:

If you haven't already, make sure that you're following the Naked Proverbs on whatever podcasting platform you listen on. And if you like what you hear, show us your love and support by giving us a five-star review on iTunes.

Rich:

That's five stars, y'all.

Rich:

I think it was...Oh, wait. I'm supposed today say thank you to my listeners?

Nik:

Yeah.

Rich:

Man. I just jumped right into it. We was getting ready to roll. Man. I'm sorry, y'all. Thank y'all.

Rich:

Naw for real. You know what, thank you. This is episode number 49. That means that we've been getting it in for almost a year. So, I appreciate y'all tuning in. We appreciate y'all tuning in and spending your Sunday afternoons with us. So, thank you.

Nik:

We're on a streak. We have never missed a week.

Rich:

Better knock on some wood.

Nik:

And as a matter of fact, there have been some weeks where we've uploaded two episodes.

Rich:

Yeah, that's true.

Nik:

Yeah, so we are not. We're not no fly by nighters. Yeah.

Rich:

No, no, no. We the legit thang. So, thank you for tuning in.

Rich:

So, I think it was Ice Cube that said today was a good day, right?

Nik:

Yeah, he definitely said that.

Rich:

Yeah, yeah. He talked about mama cook breakfast with no hog.

Nik:

Yeah. Cause he doesn't eat pork.

Rich:

Yeah, yeah. And there was no smog. I don't know if he said that part or not. I made that up.

Nik:

I think he did? Maybe?

Rich:

My whole point is, man, I had an amazing Saturday. Now I know you probably kind of had an amazing Friday and Saturday, because you had some amazing things going on. But you know, I'm just gonna tell you about my Saturday. Can I do that?

Nik:

Yes.

Rich:

So, I got up on Saturday morning at about 5am and got with some of my fraternity brothers. And we went on a bike ride, y'all. I rode my bike. 20 miles. Do y'all know how far 20 miles is?

Nik:

It's a long way. It's like from here to actual Denver.

Rich:

It's far right?

Nik:

Yeah.

Rich:

And so that was really cool because I started my day off by getting some good exercise in and spending some time with some really great young men you know, that I like to hang out with. And then got home, got my grass cut so it's looking all nice and all pretty and everything. You know cuz you got to have good grass you know you can't have your yard looking all rough. Then I went and played golf with some more fraternity brothers. I had a 400 yard drive, y'all. 400 yards.

Nik:

I don't really understand what that means.

Rich:

It's...where we hit the ball to where the hole was, was 437 yards.

Nik:

So, is that like Tiger Woods level drive?

Rich:

Yeah, it was Tiger Woodish. It was good. It was good. We looked everywhere for my ball. We couldn't find it. But we knew it was a good hit. But we didn't go far enough. And you know, it just made me think like sometimes that's what happens in life. We stop short. Because we don't think that we should go any further, or we're looking for whatever at this point, but the truth is you need to go further. We went further. And boom. There was my ball.

Nik:

So, y'all were looking in a place where you thought the ball was

Rich:

Right, right.

Nik:

And you're like, oh, we can't find it. We can't find it.

Rich:

Right. So, I was mad. I'm not gonna lie, because I knew it was a good drive. But unfortunately, the people I was with didn't do a good job, I thought of tracking my ball, because you know, I'm supposed to keep my head down. They’re really supposed to watch where the ball goes. Because you have to watch...you're looking kind of confused, but that's because you don't play golf.

Nik:

Yeah.

Rich:

But if I'm looking to see where the ball went, then it's impossible for me to hit the ball because I'm not paying attention to the ball initially. But anyway, ended up finding my ball further than what we thought. Unfortunately, I didn't get my birdie I didn't put a par because it took me a little longer to put butter um uh. You know, that was good stuff. Right.

Rich:

Then, to wrap my Saturday up. I'm headed home I've had a long day. And my wife says, Well, your daughter wants to spend some time with you. And I have to say, you know what, having teenage daughters that have their own lives, have jobs, have stuff they doing. It's really rewarding as a parent and as a father, to hear that your child wants to spend some time with you. And especially since I know she's about to head off to college, you know, we're not gonna have time to hang out like we do now. So, like I said, yesterday was a good day.

Nik:

My weekend was good.

Rich:

That's all you got.

Nik:

Yeah. So, Friday was...let me rewind just a little bit and to give a little bit of context to what's going on. I was featured in a magazine recently. A photography magazine, so if you're a photographer, you should absolutely subscribe to Shutter Magazine. That is the magazine that I was featured in the July issue. One of several models for a photographer, actually our family photographer, was being highlighted and giving her story about being a female photographer and what that means and what that has meant for her business. And she submitted about 40 photos for the editors to choose from. And they chose a select number of photos to feature in the magazine, and mine was one of them. So, that was pretty awesome. I was completely ecstatic about that.

Nik:

And fast forward to about a week later, she calls me and she's like, are you available on July 18? And I was like, yeah, I'm available. She's like, I can't tell you much. But we are looking to do a campaign. And they want you to be in it. And I'm like they? She says, yeah, the people over the magazine. They went through my website, and they really love my signature white series. And again, there were several models that she had selected to do the signature white series and the creative of director for this, it ended up being a commercial, chose my picture out of all of the models.

Nik:

Now I was a little concerned I'm gonna, I'm not even gonna lie, because this picture was taken about two and a half or three years ago, and my body and like, you know my hair like, it's just not the same as it was two and a half or three years ago. So, when I walked in, I was just a little bit self-conscious. Friday was the first shoot, and I wasn't really fully aware of what was going on. You know, I'm just showing up, I knew I was gonna probably get some pictures taken and that's fine. You know, hopefully I get some free photos out of it. And I find out that not only are the people who are over the magazine, over this commercial shoot, they're like photography legends, like they own the photography world. So, being in the midst of them was very humbling and exciting for me and also

Rich:

Cause you was modeling, huh? Yeah, girl. Yous a model.

Nik:

I was. I was really modeling, and I feel like being in the room with these people, they were all, there all powerful people. It really helped me realize how powerful I am. I would not have been selected if there was not something about my photo. And then on Saturday when we wrapped, he was so impressed, the creative director and the owner of the company was so impressed with my photos. Even taking the photos, y'all was very self-conscious, like I'm shy. So, being in front of the camera just really makes me shy. And he was so impressed. He was like, I knew when I picked your photo that we were going to have magical moments like that. And those types of things really help my self-esteem. And, you know, everybody needs a little pat on the back sometimes. So, it was a good day. Commercial's coming out at the end of July, beginning of August. So, I'm gonna definitely share it on my social media channels. It's gonna be, it's gonna be awesome. And congratulations to our family photographer because she's just dope.

Rich:

Yeah, so like I said, today was a good day. And it wasn't really today. But, you know, yesterday, the day before, and really for me, I think, because I did have a low moment this week where I was just like down on myself and frustrated about some things. And my wife was like, you know, you got to find the positive and I was like, I don't hear yo mumbo jumbo, man on the moon stuff. I'm angry, and I'm just gonna be angry right now. But because I have a wife that helps me realize that you have to see the good in all things and you have to find the positive. It really helped me get out of my funk and then be able to have such an amazing day, right? Because if you're just in a funk and all you're doing is seeing the funk and you refuse to see anything positive, then you could have positive things happening in your life and you don't even see them.

You're listening to the Naked Proverbs podcast with Rich and Nik Scott. If you like what you're hearing, show your support by becoming a patron. All of our patrons receive exclusive benefits, like behind the scenes content, access to bonus audio, and Naked Proverbs merchandise. To learn more and to become a patron, visit the Naked Proverbs Patreon page www.patreon.com/nakedproverbs

Rich:

When we started our podcast, you know we gave our traditional introduction of our names and everything and then I said today we are going to talk about owning yo shit. So, let me just make this clear. Because we ain't talking about wealth-building or legacy, which is something we talk about often right. Because it's important. We talk about it often, because it's important. But there are other things that are just as important in your marriage and for your family. So, today we are not talking about wealth-building or legacy-building, we talk about owning yo shit though.

Nik:

Mm hmm.

Rich:

So, what we're talking about is the words that you use with your family, with your children, with your wife, your spouse, your husband, those words matter.

Nik:

You need to watch the words that come out of your mouth. That's the bottom line. A lot of times in situations when we're dealing with our spouses and our children, and let's be honest, those that are closest to us, we feel like we can abuse them with our words, and they're just going to forgive us and you know, excuse it. And that's not necessarily always the case.

Rich:

When we get into an argument or you get into like, even the other day, like I said earlier, I was frustrated, right? And I could have said some things that could have been hurtful or rude or

Nik:

You did.

Rich:

Did I?

Nik:

You did.

Rich:

To you?

Nik:

Yeah, you did.

Rich:

I'm sorry.

Nik:

You hurt my feelings. It's fine.

Rich:

No, it's not fine.

Nik:

I mean, I'm over it. That's what I mean it's fine.

Rich:

Oh, well, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I say some things to hurt your feelings. I thought I was talking about myself. And maybe when I was talking about you know your mumbo jumbo, I didn't want to hear it. I can see how that could be kind of hurtful. But my point is, you know, we can get, and it can even be like what you said, like, I'm thinking that I didn't say anything, because I try to be more mindful of what I'm saying. Because in the past, I have not been and I've said some very hurtful things to my wife, to my children. And I've had to go back and apologize. Now just because I apologize doesn't mean that all of a sudden everything is peachy, you know, cream and everybody's happy. But that also doesn't mean that you shouldn't apologize.

Nik:

That's right because being in your feelings or being mad or whatever you're feeling, feeling attacked or however you feeling, does not give you permission. I'm gonna say it again being mad, being in your feelings, being whatever, you feeling at that moment does not give you permission to say whatever you want to say, how you want to say it. Because the truth of the matter is, and the fact is, is the impact of those words are going to have a much longer lasting effect and impact than your apology. Like, great you're apologizing, but I'm still hurt. I'm still, I'm still healing. I'm still trying to figure out and process how you can even muster up those words to say to somebody that you love.

Rich:

But I mean, some of that is because you're slow processor.

Nik:

No.

Rich:

I mean, like everybody doesn't have to slowly process what's been said to them.

Nik:

No words hurt. And the Bible says. You always like to talk about the Bible now it's my turn to talk about the Bible.

Rich:

Where it say that at? 3rd Jeremiah 17:8?

Nik:

We ain't talking about no third Jeremiah. This is actually in the real Bible.

Rich:

Oh. Okay.

Nik:

The real Bible says that power. Wait,

Rich:

See.

Nik:

Life and, wait see now you got me all flustered, now. The power of life and death are in the tongue. And basically, what that means to me is that every time you open your mouth, every single time you open your mouth you are either speaking life or your speaking death. And if you are not conscious enough or self-accountable enough to stop and think before you speak, then you probably should just be quiet.

Rich:

I think that that's hard, right? Because when you are in, in your emotions, you can, like you said earlier especially with people that you love or that are closest to you say things that can be hurtful because, you know, just about everything about someone that's really close to you. So, it's easy to grab something and say, well, you know what, whatever that looks like. And so, to me, I think, you know, it's important that you own up to it. That you recognize you even did it. Like just now when we started talking and you were like, well, you actually did say some hurtful things. And I didn't know that. But that doesn't give me the right to just blow it off, ignore it or be like, oh, well, that was three days ago. Let's move forward. I owe you an apology, which I've given you on air. But, you know, the first step is I have to own up to I made a mistake. And I think a lot of times when people say hurtful things, they just act like everything is cool and keep it moving. I call it the American way.

Nik:

You just came up with that just now?

Rich:

I did. But, but, but what it made me think about was, you know, like kind of how we just slavery happened. We just brushed it under the rug, and we move forward. There's no apologies, there's no reparations, there's no nothing to try to repair what you've done. And even though I just came up with that, when you stop and think about that, look at African Americans, Black people in America today, where we are. And it's because there's been no apology, no real apology, there's never been no real healing. And when you say hurtful things in your marriage or to your children, and you just brush it off and keep it moving, that's what you create. You create generations and long term death and destruction, because you haven't really solved it or come together and work through it, or even apologize. Like you can't just blow over it because Well, that was two weeks ago. That was six months ago. That was a year ago. Because I know even when I'm speaking to my own parents, they're things that they'll bring up that their parents said to them, and I'm like, well, dang, y'all old, and that still bothers you. So, I think that it's important that you don't just brush over things when you say them. Like I said, you got to own it. You got to own up to it.

Nik:

When you were talking, I'm thinking about, you know, some of the things and situations that my parents have said to me or that you have said to me over the course of this marriage, and how we can take that, and it turns into baggage. That baggage can sometimes turn into a terrible habit of being defensive, of lashing out at people, of being mad all the time or being negative all the time, not trusting people. These things are real. And you're right. I do feel like it does stem from words. Like it is no joke, the power of life and death is in the tongue. When you say something, you can't take it back.

Rich:

No.

Nik:

You cannot take it back. You can come back and try to correct it. You can massage it, you can try to make it better, but you cannot take it back. Like every single word that we speak into these microphones every week. We cannot take those words back once they're out there, they're out there. And it's documented and there's a record of it and it might hit somebody a certain way. Hopefully, it's from a place of love and not from a place of hate because I don't want to be out there killing folks in my tongue even though I know that I can. You see what I'm saying? But when we're talking about that generational damage, that happens, that's real. And that is some deep shit that I don't think people even think about.

Rich:

Right, like even what is it I think is Boyz N The Hood? You know, I'm using a lot of

Nik:

Ice Cube.

Rich:

I was gonna say, Black, Black movie references, but Boyz N The Hood, I'm almost positive Dough Boy's mom at one point says, you ain't shit just like your daddy wasn't shit. Those words are powerful. And sadly, mom's say those things to their sons today. Sons are now feeling some kind of way like well, dang, you know, I'm in the position I am because my daddy that's not around, wasn't around. So, now I am where I am. My mom don't think much of him, she don't think much of me, well, I'm just gonna go out here and I'm gonna do what I do. And so, it's like, you know, we see these movies, or we see these things happen. And we don't say much about it. But the truth is, those things actually happen in real life. They're damaging, and they're not bringing life, they're not speaking life, they're not speaking love. So, you really need to stop before you say anything and think about like, is this love? Is this going to build up my marriage? Is this going to build up my spouse? Is this going to encourage my child? Is this going to launch them into whatever it is they're going to do? Or is this going to tear them down? Is this going to defeat them? Is this going to hurt them?

Nik:

As adults, we have the responsibility to know when to say when. We know when we're going to be mad and angry and when we get to that point of saying things that are going to be reckless and hurtful and dangerous to our loved ones. So, it is up to us to set that standard and that threshold in our marriages, for our spouses and for our children. We can't be so immature emotionally and psychologically, that we just let our frustrations and anger and whatever feeling it is, get the best of us. We're grown. Like grown people you need to be grown people. And too many times do we excuse the behavior and chalk up to oh, they were drunk. Oh, they were tired. Oh, they were high. Oh, they are sick. Oh, whatever. No.

Rich:

They got a lot going on in they life.

Nik:

If your ass is mean for no reason. You need to own up to that shit and stop being mean.

Rich:

We focus a lot on marital relationships, husbands and wives, but parents understand that you can be wrong. You can be 40, 30, 28, 50 whatever your age is and be wrong when you're dealing with your children. And you need to be able to own up to that. Come to them humbly and say, you know what, I was wrong son. I was wrong daughter. I'm sorry. Please accept my apology. And let me explain to you what I did that was wrong.

Rich:

I read something yesterday, on Facebook, I think it was it was a post. And this person was like, you know, with all the Corona stuff going on, and the masks having to be worn and everything, I snapped on somebody today. And I was wrong. And they were like, they were about to buy some doughnuts. The person asked him I think did they have a mask. They basically went off like I don't need to wear no mask because they were thinking from the standpoint of you trying to take my freedoms, right?

Rich:

Whatever that means. When somebody says you can't wear a mask, or you need to wear mask, whatever.

Rich:

But they went off on this older woman and basically left without buying a doughnut, drove off. Well, they were feeling some kind of way. Like they energy was off. They spirit wasn't feeling right. And they said, they turned around, went back. And their children saw all this. Went into the donut store, took the children in there and apologized to this older woman.

Nik:

Hopefully he had on his mask when he went back in.

Rich:

I don't know. They didn't say.

Rich:

But and I didn't even, I didn't even say it was a man. It could have been a woman.

Nik:

It was a man.

Rich:

Hmm. Anyway, they, this person apologized, and basically was like, you know, I'm sorry, there was no reason for me to act like that. I was wrong. And I wanted my children to know that I was wrong. I want you to know that I was wrong. And unfortunately, I can't apologize to you in front of the people that were in here that saw me acting ugly, but I want you to know I am sorry. And so, they ended up talking and this woman started talking about you know, the struggle she's faced as a small business owner during all this, and she's just trying to follow the rules because she don't want to get shut down. She's trying to pay her bills. And he was like, I was devastated because I didn't look at any of that. All I could think about was myself. And I think that in our words sometimes and our actions, that's all we're doing, we're thinking about ourselves. We're not thinking about anyone else. We're not thinking about what we're saying how it can impact that person, or anything else. But when we come to the realization that we messed up, that we said something that was hurtful, that we did something that was wrong. You need to own up to that.

Rich:

Like I said, that's what this whole podcast is about is you need to own up to that. Stop just deflecting and pushing it off and ignoring it and just, oh, well, we'll be cool tomorrow because we always be cool 24 hours after I go off.

Nik:

But that requires you to have a certain level of maturity when it comes to your emotional. What do they call it? They call it something in the corporate world. That I can think of

Rich:

Intelligence.

Nik:

Yeah, your EQ. Emotional intelligence. And you have to have a certain level of maturity when it comes to your self-accountability. And sadly, I say it all the time, grown people don't like to be told what to do. I don't like to be told what to do. I have had to come back and apologize, because you know, my mouth, and I know this, I can go off. And I can really be hurt. Like, I used to take pride. When I was younger,

Rich:

You used to be the big checker.

Nik:

I used to take pride in my gift. I'm gonna call it a gift, of being able to cuss people out. Like I can cuss, what? I can cuss people out and make them cry. And I know that I can do that. I'm a little lady but I have like a big aura around me and I used to take pride in that. And I have had to come back once I've matured and grew out of that and realize that that's not cute. And that's not becoming. And that's not classy, it's actually tacky to behave and run around and talking to people crazy all the time. But I, as recently as I can remember, was at Thanksgiving, when I had to come back and apologize to my brother in law. I don't even remember what I snapped on him about, but it was in front of everybody. And right before Thanksgiving dinner, I made sure that I apologized in front of everybody.

Rich:

And that's a big one because too often, we want to do this stuff all publicly right. We want to have this public going off on somebody or sharing our opinion in a non-loving manner and way and then we want to, because now we feel bad about what we've done. We want to go off in the corner be like aye, I'm sorry about

Nik:

That's cowardly.

Rich:

No, if you was big and bad enough to be out on the mountaintop screaming at somebody, well, you need to be back on that same mountaintop apologizing to somebody. Like if you can talk crazy to your spouse in front of the children then you need to be apologizing to your spouse in front of the children. If you went off on your child in front of their friends, then you need to get, if they friends are willing to come back around, you're crazy butt, then you need to make sure their friends are there to see you apologize. Because what that does is it empowers them. It allows them to start the healing process. Because now it's like instead of me going off in front of my, in my child's face in front of her children, or friends or whatever, and then me coming back on the side trying to give a halfway apology. But her friends is still like dang, maybe that time your daddy went off on you? Well, they not gonna be saying that if they also saw me humbly come before my child and say you know a baby girl, I'm sorry. I was wrong. Like, so, understand that when you choose to have other people seeing you act a fool you also should be making the choice to see have other people see you apologizing. Owing yo, yo stuff.

Nik:

I just thank God for growth and processes and journeys. Because I can. I mean, I'm speaking for myself, and I know you can speak for me, too. I have come a long way in this, in this area.

Rich:

And I think that's important though. Because we can't just focus on who you used to be,

Nik:

Mmhmm.

Rich:

I have to, you have to understand that there's been growth in both of us in our marriage. And so, that doesn't mean that there's not going to be some opportunities to trip up and fall and stumble. But let's not get stuck in the past. Let's continue to move forward. And I think that's important because maybe you have a spouse that in the past has snapped on you. And maybe they didn't apologize, and maybe they didn't do the things we've talked about, right. But they've done better, and they've been doing better for a minute. Recognize that.

Nik:

Don't hold them in that place. Don't hold them in that place. That is a, is one of those pitfalls in marriage that people don't recognize. And especially if you were married young, the way that we were, it's easy to say and to get comfortable, and leave that person in that place, and they've far outgrown that place. That was good. I liked that one.

Rich:

Yeah, you brought that up.

Rich:

If you are one of those people that may say things or do things to those that you love the most, those that are closest to you, your spouse, your children, own up to it. Apologize. And most importantly, change your behavior. Because you can apologize all day. But if you gonna keep doing the same thing, that apology doesn't mean anything. So, you have to change that behavior. And if you don't know how to change that behavior, because I'm reading a book right now talking about habits. And how basically we do things because we've done them so long that they just become habits. So, maybe you are someone that just snaps on people. You know, the drop of a dime and you don't even know why. Well, get some counseling, get some help, read some books, like really work to be better. If you want to be a better husband, then you have to work to be a better husband. If you want to be a better wife. It doesn't just happen because you want it, you actually have to take the steps to make it happen.

Nik:

Thanks, so much for tuning in to this week's episode of the Naked Proverbs podcast. We truly want you to have a happy marriage. We want you to thrive in your marriages and indulge in your spouses on a regular basis. Don't forget to follow the Naked Proverbs on whatever podcasting platform you listen on. And we will talk to y'all in week number 50? Number 50.

Rich:

Peace.

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