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Your dating checklist is KEEPING YOU SINGLE!


In 017 of the Naked Proverbs podcast, Rich and Nik Scott discuss the dating checklist.



Nik:

Welcome back to the Naked Proverbs podcast where we unclothe the truth about Black love family and marriage. My name is Nik Scott, one of your hosts, and I'm here with my husband,

Rich:

What's going on? It's your boy Rich. And today we're talking about the list. You know that list I'm talking about?

Nik:

I don't know what list you're talking about.

Rich:

We'll keep listening. You'll know.

Nik:

Right at the start of every episode, we always remind our listeners that we are not trained, licensed, or professional therapists or counselors. We've been married for well over a decade, damn near two decades. And we use Naked Proverbs as our platform to share our opinions, our advice, our experience and our stories. If you haven't already, make sure you follow Naked Proverbs on whatever platform you listen to your podcasts on. And if you like what you hear, what you've heard and what you're going to hear, show us your love and support by giving us a five-star rating on iTunes, or whatever platform you're listening on.

Rich:

As always, we want to take a moment and thank our listeners. Thank you for tuning in week after week, because we love sharing with you. So, what do you do during the holidays? Do you believe in giving gifts to the mailman? The trash person, excuse me, the mail person, the trash person, your Barber, all those different people working in the service industry that have taken care of you all year long.

Nik:

Typically, I don't gift the people that provide services to me. I haven't historically done that, personally.

Rich:

I have. To my masseuse. My masseuse, I usually give her a larger tip right before the holidays because I feel like you know, it's a service industry, a lot of people probably don't tip her because she is African American. And so, I try to make sure I take care of her, I'll usually give her an extra $50 or something, which is really generous, you know, on top of my tip. So, I purposely schedule my next massage for right before Christmas, so that I could give her a little extra spending money or savings money or whatever she I mean, it's her money, do whatever she wants to do with it. But I have noticed that she's always super appreciative. And she doesn't necessarily look for it, but she's also like, oh my God, thank you. And I don't think a lot of people think about the service industries and provide that extra little bit around the holidays.

Nik:

For me, I've never really thought about tipping extra or gifting my aesthetician, or the lady that does my nails, or the mail carrier, or even the trash collector. It just never dawned on me to gift them. What I have done, and what we have done over the years since we've lived in our house and owned a home is, we've always gifted our neighbors something. And I would like to think that that was something that we started with our neighbors. And it was a few years before they were like, oh my gosh, every single year they're giving us something and now they kind of reciprocate but it's just not something that I've ever really thought about in terms of getting people in the service industry.

Rich:

And I don't think that I really ever gift anyone expecting a gift back. So, like with the neighbors, I think it's cool that they've chosen to reciprocate. But even if they didn't, you know, we would still drop off you know, a little tin of popcorn or something just because I feel like your neighbors do a lot. They should, you should do a lot for each other. Whether it be looking out for each other's house while you're gone or signing for a package, or my neighbor, for years, if it's a bad snow, he will be out there with this snow blower before I get up and I don't have to worry about doing the sidewalk. And that's a huge help. Or if he sees me out there struggling, you know, he'll come help me. I mean, last year, I got my truck stuck. And one of those bad blizzards we had. And he was one of the first to come over and help me get it unstuck. So, to me, it's more of you know, showing appreciation

Nik:

Right.

Rich:

to my neighbors, but also to those in the service industries. Because I think about like our trash person, when it's a windy day and trash blowing all down the block, I have watched them get out and make sure that all the trash is picked up and not just blowing down my block. And I appreciate that, but I've never actually gone out there, but I can just want to say thank you. But I feel like this is a prime opportunity to show that appreciation.

Nik:

I don't give gifts to expect things back in return either. I would like to see a certain amount of gratitude. Right. And I specifically for my esthetician I've been going to her for years, a whole lot of years and I don't always feel as if she appreciates me as much as a client, as I've been committed and faithful to her. And I feel like in some ways me continuing to give you my business and following you all over the city, that to me is gift enough when there's 10 or 20 estheticians that I drive past just to get to you. So, again, it's just never been a top of mind. I do think that it's something that I should think about. Like for example, this year, it was very important to you that we gifted our mail carrier and our trash collector, and this wasn't the first year that you've brought that up. But this is the first year that we're actually following through with it.

Rich:

My barber as an example. Because you're right, you know, I pass a lot of barbers to get to my barber. And if y'all can see me he hooked me up right can see that. And if you can't see that, because you listen to the podcast, make sure you tune into what is it? Instagram where you put some videos up?

Nik:

Instagram, YouTube.

Rich:

There's other places you can see me if you want to see me. But anyway, my barber you know, I feel like while I may pass other barbers, he does little things throughout the year that I appreciate. As an example, I started off scheduling my next haircut when I left. And then life gets busy or I don't schedule it right away when I'm leaving that day and now, I'm texting him on his day off, hey, what can you get me in this week? And he always gets me in. He always makes sure that he's available. You know, he always just takes great care of me. So, for me, like I said, I just feel like yes, I give you a tip every time you cut my hair.

Nik:

Right.

Rich:

And I pay my bill every time you cut my hair, but I want you to know that I truly appreciate you. I think everybody wants to feel appreciated. Everybody wants to feel that step above right. And when I think about our mail carrying lady, you know, she is out there, rain, sleet, snow, ice, cold doesn't matter, she has come to drop off packages at the front door. Like, she legit does an amazing job. And while I'm telling these people on the podcast, I'm like, well, however, actually told her that, right? And that's what I think I look at this as an opportunity. And it's one of those things. It's kind of old school because it's kind of expected from old school people that we're homeowners that like yeah, you know, you leave a ham for the person or you like they used to do big stuff, right? And I mean, if you watch old school movies, that's the kind of stuff they did. I'm not like that. But I do want to want to show them that. I see the extra mile you go, and I know your job's not easy, and I appreciate it.

Nik:

I agree with you. I totally agree with you, especially when it comes to the mail carrier or if you have a handyman or handy woman or the trash collector. I'm very conflicted about those people who give me services in the service industry like my nail lady, my esthetician, people who do facials and things like that. I just, I'm very conflicted in that because I feel like a lot of times and it could be different between men and women. But I feel like a lot of times people in those industries, just take me, personally, for granted. They take me for granted, they just expect every year that I'm going to book to get my eyebrows done, or every four weeks I'm going to be in the shop to do whatever it is that I need to do. And there's not a lot of reciprocity. So, while you are saying that you feel that your barber takes extra steps to make you feel appreciated, to make you feel like I am a valued client. I don't feel like that. And I mean, that's not the reason that you should give gifts, but I tip you every single time that I come.

Rich:

Maybe it's time for you to look for new people. Because like, even when I stop and think about, you know, I've been going to the same company for massages for like, five years easily. Since you know, the girls used to always get me a gift card for Father's Day.

Nik:

Yeah.

Rich:

And then finally, I was like, why don't I just get a membership, right? And so, I've had a membership at this particular massage company for years. And I would say it took me three years to find a masseuse that I was like, this is the one.

Nik:

Mm hmm.

Rich:

Because like, I don't like a whole lot of talking. That's my relaxation time. That's my time to just, sometimes I fall asleep. I'll be drooling on the pillow. And like, my boy was like, man, like she's gonna take your money and she probably even give me a massage. I'm like, I don't know, I'm relaxed. I'm rested. I'm recovered. I'm ready. And so, for me, knowing what it took to find the quality.

Nik:

Yeah.

Rich:

And it's the same thing with my barber like I came home a couple times you were like, that ain't the one, that's not the right barber. So, for me, I just like to let them know because I know it's not easy to find, you know, great people,

Nik:

Right.

Rich:

in these industries. It's easy to find good people. You can find good people all day. But to find great people that meet your needs in those fields, you know, in those areas of service, I feel like it's so hard that I want to be able to call last minute and say I need a haircut. And you're gonna remember because I would say probably 80% of my barbers’ clients are not giving him anything extra because they're thinking like you, I give them a tip. I get my hair cut. I paid him for the service, and I tipped him. So, what more you know, like I go see you twice, twice a month. So that's 24 times in a year.

Nik:

That's right.

Rich:

Like I paid you well. But I don't look at it from I paid you well, I look at it from the standpoint of you're amazing and I want you to know, I appreciate what you do.

You're listening to the Naked Proverbs podcast with Rich and Nick Scott. If you like what you're hearing Show your support by becoming a patron. All of our patrons receive exclusive benefits like behind the scenes content, access to bonus audio, and Naked Proverbs merchandise. To learn more, and to become a patron, visit the Naked Proverbs Patreon page at www.patreon.com/nakedproverbs

Rich:

She better have good credit.

Nik:

So, before I marry him, I'm telling y'all now he has to be at least six feet or taller.

Rich:

She better not I have no kids...good lord I don't need no dog on kids.

Nik:

And on top of that, my man my husband, my boo thing has got to be a graduate from the Hampton University.

Rich:

Yeah, I'm gonna need her probably to have pretty good job. You know, I mean, six figures I guess that's good, good income.

Nik:

And He better not be driving me around and no Honda no Toyota or nothing like that. It has to be, has to be a foreign luxury car.

Rich:

Do those things really matter? Does his height matter? I mean, when I stopped and I think about it, I didn't have a list. I didn't have anything that I all my life says she needs to have this, this, this and this for me to even date her, or to fall in love with her, or to marry her or have kids. Now, let's put a pin in that.

Nik:

Yeah,

Rich:

cause that does not mean I didn't have any standards or expectations.

Nik:

Yeah,

Rich:

but I didn't have a list.

Nik:

put a pin in that.

Rich:

I didn't have a list.

Nik:

Are you sure?

Rich:

Okay, okay. I have one vain quality that I expected. And this is what I used to say. Y'all have to remember I was a child.

Nik:

But you meant it. He was serious about it.

Rich:

And I still do. Whoever I marry needs to have natural beauty. Because if the house catches on fire, I'm gonna need her to look okay when we get interviewed by the fire department, channel nine news or whoever it may be, I used to always say that, and you know what? I did good.

Nik:

You did I mean because I do not have on a drop of makeup right now and I look pretty flawless. If I say so myself.

Rich:

I agree.

Nik:

But that is a list like that's a list and you didn't say

Rich:

It was one item.

Nik:

But it was still a list.

Rich:

A list requires more than one item.

Nik:

You had other things that you required

Rich:

Like what?

Nik:

Not things that you said to me.

Rich:

Yeah, cuz I didn't have a list.

Nik:

Are you sure I had one?

Rich:

Oh, what was your list? Did I meet any of the standards?

Nik:

Clearly you did. I've been married to you for 18 years.

Rich:

All right!

Nik:

My list, he had to be good looking

Rich:

Check

Nik:

Because I never really wanted kids but just in case, I had kids I definitely wanted my kids to be cute. They are check. My man had to have some goals and ambitions. He couldn't just be somebody that was walking around here sitting around here not doing nothing. Now he had to get up, get out and get something because I was getting up getting out and getting something, so he had to definitely match my ambition. And my drive.

Rich:

So, check, check. I got that. Okay.

Nik:

I wanted somebody taller than me.

Rich:

Whoa. Whoa. I am, I am.

Nik:

You're taller than me.

Rich:

Let's not get that twisted people. I'm taller than her.

Nik:

He is.

Rich:

I'm not tall, but I'm taller than her.

Nik:

You are taller than me. You're several inches taller than me. But I did want someone who was six feet or taller. Now that was on my list.

Rich:

I'm like 5'11" with shoes on. You didn't let me finish. You gotta let me finish my thought now. I'm 5'11" with shoes on almost. Like them platforms.

Nik:

Put a lift in your shoe. You put a lift in your shoe you'd be 5'11".

Rich:

So, that's a half a check.

Nik:

So, that was one thing that was on my list, I mean, obviously, you can't control your height.

Rich:

You looked at me he was like, forget height. Whew. He the one.

Nik:

So yeah, I had a list. I can't remember everything that was on my list. I don't think it was something that I had written down because I know a lot of people they actually write down. Oh, he couldn't have no kids. Yeah, that was a big thing. That was a big thing on my list. He could not have any kids because I knew that if I got married to somebody who had children, I would be a terrible stepmother.

Rich:

Okay

Nik:

Like I knew that.

Rich:

So, you know, what I hear from kind of our intro where we had these random lists, we made up to what we just described that we had in our real life list is we had some standards. Not necessarily requirements, these weren't things that were deal breakers necessarily, because I'm not over six foot, yet we've been married for multiple years. You are fine as all get out. My one requirement. You met. My one standard. I think honestly, though, it's not about do you have a list or not? But if you have a list or if you had a list, how did that impact your choices? What I mean by that is if you would have only been like, you know what, I got a list, he's got to be six foot compromising

Nik:

period,

Rich:

then we wouldn't be sitting here today, right? Because I'm not six foot Nope, even with my platforms on I'm still not six foot. So, I think that that's one of those things that we especially in the Black community because there are fewer men on this earth and women, then there are fewer single Black men out there, then single Black women. So, if you are really looking for a Black man and you've got like this laundry list of does, have to haves, and cants and ain't gonna deal with, and you're not willing to compromise on any of it, then you may not find that perfect person.

Nik:

Because there is no perfect first of all. I think lists are very important to have if you are seeking a mate because you do have to think about things like how tall or short your children are going to be, what your kids are going to look like, are you marrying somebody who's intelligent, because if you're marrying somebody stupid, you could have a dumb child. Right? So, I think that lists are important because it does set a standard of expectation, but I do think there are some things that people should be flexible on, right? Not everything people should be flexible on because I was serious about not marrying somebody who had kids and that was a deal breaker for me.

Rich:

And I think honestly, you know, now that I'm older, and I understand what a marriage really is, it's a partnership where you are building together. So, if you have bad credit and I'm responsible with my credit, when we choose to get married, that is having a direct impact on my life. When we when I, when we go to buy a house or we go to buy a car, we go to invest or we go to do anything, you know, they're gonna look at our credit. So, if you do choose to ignore parts of your list, I would say really stop and think about the parts you're ignoring. Like was that just a superficial thing? Like for me? Oh, I need a woman that looks good on camera. Does that really matter honestly? No. But was I going to compromise in the aspect of I want a woman that has great morals, or, you know, we have similar beliefs. I mean, those things are probably not something you should compromise on. Because when you compromise on those areas, what's going to happen is you're going to end up being married to this person, you're going to have disagreements about things that really shouldn't even be issues because you compromised in an area that you shouldn't have compromised in.

Nik:

To your point about superficial and then those things that are important. In some ways, I feel like the things that you stick to, the thing that, the non-stickers should be the...or the stickers should be the important things, not the non-stickers, the stickers should be the important things. Like morals and values are very important. If you're a church person and you're heavy into church, you were very into church when I met you, I was not

Rich:

You pulled me away. We going to hell now.

Nik:

Oh my gosh, we probably are going to hell, but I don't know if it's my fault. You a grown man, you can make your own decisions

Rich:

I had all the way.

Nik:

But seriously, like, I don't know if that was one of your criteria, or one of your standards in a wife, but for a lot of part of our marriage we were very much involved in church and it was because of you and that was something that you brought to the table that I didn't bring to the table. And I think when we are talking about marriages and partnerships, that it can't be an equal for equal. And I think I said that on an earlier podcast that a lot of times it's this tit for tat that couples do. And even when we're looking for someone, well, I make six figures, so he need to make six figures. I drive a Lexus, so he needs to at least be driving a Lexus or a Benz or a Maserati. You know what I mean? Like, it doesn't have to be equal for equal when you're building and growing together. And it doesn't matter how old you are, when you get married. You should always be building and growing together. So, you each need to be bringing something different.

Rich:

I had a conversation yesterday with one of my friends, and he was talking about his daughter, and she's grown, like, graduated from college has a great job. And he was like, you know, I told her I would love for her to come home for Christmas. I'll pay for the ticket. And she basically said, well, what about my boyfriend? And he said, what about him? And I guess her thought was that my buddy was going to pay for him to fly out, too. And he made it clear, kind of like you were saying, and I get what you're saying, but I feel like there's different levels. And what he basically said was, look, if you got to buy him a plane ticket while you're dating, you're probably gonna have to buy him plane tickets once you're married. So, kind of think that through. Is this really the kind of guy you want to settle down with long term? And so, for me, when we talk about lists, you know, because reality is, we have lists for a lot of things. We have lists that we go through to decide what college we want, we have lists of what groceries we need to purchase, like we have lists for random things in our lives. There's nothing wrong with lists. But when we get to the point where that list dominates every choice in every action, and we are eliminating people, potential partners because of the list, then I think that's when it becomes more of an issue because like we said earlier on, nobody's going to meet every aspect of your list because they don't nobody knows what your list is but you. So, it's impossible for any one person to just be like, wow, they met every category on my list that I just made up, that some of you made up when you were little girls or little boys. Some of you made up as you've grown. Some of you have made them after you eliminated some, some bad apples. But like I said, there's nothing wrong with a list. But when the list becomes the only thing you're looking at, you can miss out on some amazing opportunities because of a list.

Nik:

So, there are levels, right? We got married when we were in our 20s. And for me, a man that had children by another woman was a deal breaker for me. That was in my 20s. Now we're in our 40s and most people in their 40s have children. So, if you are in your 40s and you are still looking for a mate, whether you've been married or not, and you are one of the few that doesn't have children, but one of your criteria is she can't have kids either. How realistic is that? Is that something that you might want to consider bending on a little bit?

Rich:

And I think that's the key is your list should evolve, because you should be evolving.

Nik:

Yeah,

Rich:

You should be growing; you should be changing. So, if your list at 40, 35,

Nik:

50,

Rich:

whatever. Looks like it did at 18, 19, 20

Nik:

That's a problem.

Rich:

There's a problem in that, you know. Now, are there some things that may be on that list at 18 that on that listed 55?

Nik:

Yes.

Rich:

Yes. If you know that you don't like kids.

Nik:

Right.

Rich:

And maybe you had a bad experience with a step-parent, and you're like, I do not want to be a step-parent

Nik:

That was me.

Rich:

then that's okay to be like, I don't want nobody would no kids. But understand that there's a point where just about everybody got some kids. So, maybe It changes from I don't want anybody with kids that are still in the house. And maybe I don't want, you know, a husband or a wife that has little kids, but I'm okay with kids that are about to graduate and get out the house. But you have to know that about yourself. Or maybe it's, I can't deal with nobody with bad credit. Well, that shouldn't change. Like if you don't want somebody dropping your credit score and you know, you getting a higher interest rates because they're not responsible, then you shouldn't compromise on that.

Nik:

There are some uncompromised things. But as we are changing, you're right, our lists should be changing not only should they be changing in terms of knocking things off of them, they should also be changing and adding things to them. So, it's something that you should be revisiting. I don't know how often I mean, often enough to where it's realistic. Because yes, you should have standards, but you have to be realistic about what's available to you, right? Because geographically speaking, we live in Denver, Colorado, there are only so many Black people in Denver, Colorado. So, if you really want to marry a Black woman from Denver, Colorado, you might have to revisit your list and make it more realistic to, I guess, to accommodate what's available here in Denver, Colorado.

Rich:

And I think you can't be so closed minded to think that the only way you're going to find that perfect mate is right here in Denver, Colorado.

Nik:

Exactly.

Rich:

Because if your list has Black woman, at least 5'5" and

Nik:

36-24-36

Rich:

Yeah, all that good stuff. Good job, education, whatever that looks like for you. Well, if the pickings are slim in Denver, Colorado, maybe you need to look outside of Denver, Colorado.

Nik:

Yup.

Rich:

And I'm not saying you have to relocate or move or anything else. But you could take some vacations and trips and start to see what, you know, chocolate city and some of these other places look like. And guess what you're going to quickly realize that there are a lot of beautiful Black men and women out there that meet your criteria, but you have to be willing to open your mind and your eyes up to see them.

Nik:

The crazy thing is, is on our Instagram page, about half of the couples that we showcase there, we know personally, so Black people are marrying Black people.

Rich:

Like I know the Obamas

Nik:

Well, we definitely know...we've said that before though.

Rich:

I'm just saying.

Nik:

Yeah,

Rich:

Cause they're a powerful Black couple. That I think is cool.

Nik:

And they're on our Instagram page. And so Black people are marrying Black people, Black men are finding Black women, qualified Black women and vice versa. So, you absolutely have to open up your scope. And don't give up hope.

Rich:

I think that's a big piece is don't give up hope, but also, don't let the people around you cause you to give up hope. Because I think sometimes, especially in our community, we can have a lot of naysayers because of their situation.

Nik:

Yup.

Rich:

And sometimes it's legit, you know, just had bad luck. But sometimes it's they weren't willing to adjust their list. They weren't willing to look outside of their small little circle, or whatever. And now they're old, they're bitter. And every man is horrible. And every woman is horrible. And there are no good men out there. There are no good women out there. And I think that sometimes when you have that influence, it can start to taint your vision as well. And you start to see everything is negative, and oh, there's no good people out there. Oh, there's no good husbands, no good wives. There's no men with no children, because you know, I have at least three fraternity brothers that are in their 30s plus with no children. Not like, oh, they had some children, and they just don't know, they have legit no children. They have great jobs. They're good men, but they have standards as well.

Nik:

Right.

Rich:

And you know, because I've had conversations with them. And they're like, well, this is kind of what my expectations are. And at this point in my life, I'm bringing a lot to the table,

Nik:

Right.

Rich:

so, I want somebody that not necessarily can match that. But like you said, In the beginning, has some type of dream or ambition or some kind of goals, not just somebody looking for a come up, because I think that's something else that happens as you age is you do have to be concerned about that. Like, are they just looking for come up? Because I have a house. I have a couple rentals. I have good money, I have a great car, I don't have any kids. I have health insurance, or whatever it looks like. And so, you know, as men, I think there are a lot of Black men out there that are very cautious of just jumping into any relationship because they want to make sure that you do not own trying to get up to come up from them.

Nik:

But it can happen vice versa too. I know plenty of women. You mentioned your fraternity, a lot of my sorors, single Black women, dope ass Black women educated, making money owning homes,

Rich:

Killing it.

Nik:

killing it. Just all that Black girl magic, right? And yet they're single and I don't know why they're single. I know that some of them would love to be married. And obviously some of the sorority sisters that I'm talking about probably know your fraternity brothers and vice versa. But they have standards too.

Rich:

Right.

Nik:

So, there are men out there that are looking for sugar mamas that are looking for women to just leech off of

Rich:

Trying to get me one.

Nik:

What? No, you ain't.

Rich:

Girl, she'll take good care of us. We're gotta do nothing.

Nik:

Ain't gonna be no third, fourth she up in this house. Fifth she. We got three she's and a dog she, we don't need no more shes up in here.

Rich:

I agree. Amen. Preach. I don't want no more shes. But you know, I think that part of that list though, is let's say you have a list and I have a list. Our lists may not jive 100% completely. But if you can find someone who the majority, or the major pieces jive with, then maybe it's time for you to give them a shot.

Nik:

Shit. Thanks, so much for tuning in to this week's episode of the Naked Proverbs. We want you to truly have a happy marriage. We want you to continue to thrive in your marriages and indulge in your spouses on a regular basis. Don't forget to follow the Naked Proverbs on whatever podcasting platform you listen on. And we will talk to y'all in the next one.

Rich:

Peace.

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