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YOUR emotional baggage is why your MARRIAGE IS FALLING APART!


In Episode 035 of the Naked Proverbs podcast, Rich and Nik Scott discuss they types of baggage people bring to their marriage, how to deal with it and where it stems from.



Nik:

Welcome back to the Naked Proverbs podcast where we unclothe the truth about Black love family and marriage. My name is Nik Scott, one of your hosts and as always, I'm here with my husband,

Rich:

What's going on is your boy Rich. And today we're going to talk about luggage. You know, that baggage, that junk in the trunk. That extra stuff you bring in.

Nik:

Why you call it luggage?

Rich:

Because bags, luggage, you know Louie Vuitton luggage. I got them boxes.

Nik:

Right at the start of every episode, we always remind our listeners that we are not licensed, trained or professional therapists or counselors. We are experts because we do have more than 10,000 hours in our marriage. We've been married quite a long time and we use the Naked Proverbs as our platform to share our advice. Our experience, our stories and of course, our opinions. If you haven't already, make sure that you are following Naked Proverbs on whatever platform you listen to your podcasts on. And if you like what you hear, show us your love and support by giving us a five-star review on iTunes.

Rich:

Thank you to all of our listeners. Thank you for tuning in. And for all those that chose to tune into our live. We appreciate that. We love seeing you. And we look forward to seeing y'all this evening.

Nik:

Yes, tonight at eight o'clock pm Eastern Standard Time. On our Facebook page. We go live. We'll be talking about luggage, I guess.

Rich:

Baggage. Bag lady.

Nik:

Yes, I really like that song. It's a good song.

Rich:

Yeah, I know. See?

Nik:

And thank you to everybody who has given us five-star reviews on iTunes.

Rich:

Yeah, I appreciate that when I get in there and I look and I'm like, ooh, look at that, and no fours.

Nik:

Yeah, yeah, there's no fours. And y'all have some really good things to say. So, thank you. We appreciate that.

Rich:

This week, I had the opportunity to speak with my mom have some conversations with my grandmother, because my grandfather's been kind of sick and no, it's not the Rona. Rona ain't got him. He's just aging. And so, we were having some conversations around well, does everybody know where his DD 214 is? Do you have power of attorney? Just basic questions that normally you just don't have in everyday conversation with someone. And it made me realize how important it is to have some kind of hard conversations. Some might call them hard; others may not see it as a hard conversation. But having those real conversations with your loved ones.

Nik:

About the paperwork. Remember we went to go see, was it Earthquake recently? And he kept talking about having your paperwork in order. A lot of times, we do have our paperwork in order like in the situation with your grandfather, he does have some certain things that are accessible. But oftentimes we don't have our paperwork in order. If you do have your paperwork in order, it's important for the people who are going to be handling your affairs to know where your paperwork is, where your will is, what does your living will say. What about your trust? What about you called it a DD 214? I don't know if everybody knows what that is. But most people if they're in the military and they're honorably and dishonorably?

Rich:

It doesn't matter. If you were in the military from 1950 forward, you have a DD 214. And it's important that your family knows where it is because it directly relates to what types of benefits, they will be able to receive as well as what you will be able to receive. If you want a military burial or you know, I think it's Social Security or it might be the VA, they give a one-time lump sum payment to, of that family after they've passed. So, it's just little things that you may not even know are available to your family. And if you're not sharing those conversations or having those conversations, they could miss out on opportunities that will secure their future.

Nik:

Having those conversations while you are healthy, and able to have those conversations. My experience is with my mom who passed away seven years ago coming up in the fall now. And I spent time with her leading up to her passing and I wanted to get all of these things in order. I wanted to get her will in order, make sure that she had power of attorney given to the proper person that she wanted to give it to. And I was trying to have these conversations with her in April, the spring. lack folks we don't like talking about death. It's almost like if we talk about it, it's gonna happen.

Rich:

Oh, Lord.

Nik:

Well, let's be clear, my mother was already sick. And the prognosis was not good for her. So, she did have a timeline. And the timeline ended up being a lot shorter than any of us wanted it to be. But when the time came for us to have those conversations about a living will and a will and power of attorney and things like that it was too late, because she literally could not speak. She literally could not speak by the time that my mother passed. So, in the spring when I was having, trying to have these conversations with her and she got mad and, tight lipped and didn't want to talk, I don't need to talk about that. But then fast forward to the fall. When we needed to have those conversations. We couldn't even get her to sign a document that needed to be signed.

Rich:

Right. That's a big part of it is sometimes we talk about the conversation part, but there are legal documents that need to be signed whether it's given somebody power of attorney or you are filing for a certain benefit, or whatever that is. And unfortunately, if those signatures aren't there, then you end up putting your family in a situation where everything you've worked so hard for falls into probate, or it ends up getting tied up in the courts or whatever the situation is. And it doesn't have to be that way. Because it really is as simple as just doing it. Like, let's sit down. And that's it.

Rich:

You know, honestly, that's what happened for me this week was I kind of caught up my mom and my dad, because we were on that, you know, that phone call having this conversation about my grandfather. And I was like, look, we probably need to get my brother and my sister on the phone. And we need to have this conversation as a family as well. Not because you're old and sickly, but because well, you know what? People die every day. And we shouldn't have to wait till someone is old and sickly to start asking them questions that we should have already known. It's business. It's a part of life and it's a very important part of life.

Nik:

Death happens. We're all to die. And I know every time I talk about dying with my family and I talk about it a lot, not because I'm obsessed or want to die or anything like that, but I want them to understand what I want my wishes to be.

Rich:

I'm not listening.

Nik:

And they don't listen to me. Like, my husband tunes me out. The only, the only person in the house that probably does listen to me is our youngest daughter. And you know,

Rich:

She ain't got no power. Or no money.

Nik:

She's third in line.

Rich:

She's so far down the list. She better hope we both go out at the same time so she can have some power. Because otherwise it'd be like sit down so my little girl

Nik:

But she's the only one that actually, my oldest, she's like, why you always talking about that, we don't want. I'm like, we need to have these conversations. And fortunately for us as parents right now, let's be clear, Rich. We ain't always had our paperwork in order.

Rich:

Naw. But you know what, I've done better.

Nik:

We're doing better and we're learning, and we want our girls to understand what needs to happen should, no, not should, when we die. And we're fortunate now that we do have an 18 year old child. Because before we used to have conversations about, well, if we die who's taking care of the kids? Where the kids gonna... Like, all these little things need to be taken care of because

Rich:

And discussed.

Nik:

Yeah.

Rich:

Because you know, you might be sitting there husband thinking they going to my mom and my daddy, wife might be sitting there thinking they going to my sister, or my mom or my daddy. Like you need to have those conversations and be real and honest about well, why do you think this is the direction they should go? Or? Well? Do they even want our kids? Because you need to have that conversation with them too. Don't just assume I'm gonna tell you now. Don't nobody in my family assume your kids are coming to me.

Nik:

Don't do it.

Rich:

Don't do it.

Nik:

Please.

Rich:

because your kids' gonna be homeless when you dead. I'm just being real. Whatever. Naw. I love y'all nieces and nephews. I would have all y'all's back and you know it.

Nik:

These kids would not be homeless. They would not be homeless.

Rich:

But but you should still don't just assume. I mean, you know. Because at one point we was planning to move out the country. So, you know, if you die in another 10 years, and I'm not even in the country, and yo kids. Well, naw my brother's kids and my little sister's kids still be young enough to live with us. Don't think you for coming to live with me if you ain't talked to me. And nieces and nephews. I love y'all. You know, y'all always got a place with your uncle Ri Ri always.

Nik:

And you know, we've just covered both ends of the spectrum, right. We covered those of us who do have older parents or parents that are sick. And then we've also talked to the young folks with the young kids. Everybody needs to have their paperwork in order. This is just ain't a old thing

Rich:

No.

Nik:

this just ain't a rich thing. This is a make sure that you're protected. Your assets are protected when my mother passed. She had a house, a beautiful home that would have been a great investment property to keep in the family. What happened to the house?

Rich:

Well, that's a whole nother story for another episode.

Nik:

Exactly.

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Rich:

I said we're gonna talk about luggage. And you quickly looked at me like luggage? The truth is, it's called baggage. But I feel like some people don't just have a bag. Like I think of bags, baggage is you know that trash bag right, that black Glad trash bag that's full of stuff. Some people go into relationships with legit luggage. I'm talking, they got the five piece roller luggage, and they come into their marriage with it.

Nik:

Sometimes it's more than just buy pieces. Sometimes they got the footlocker, they got the dog on the duffle bag.

Rich:

When we were guests on the Audacity Podcast, it was one of the questions that came up was, you know, well, how did y'all deal with baggage that you brought from previous relationships? And like I said, on the podcast, I was like, you know, I didn't come up with no luggage, no baggage, no issues. Is what I initially thought. But then I stopped. And I really thought about that question. And I realized that I don't think it's possible for anyone to come into any relationship without some type of baggage.

Nik:

Everybody has baggage. Everybody has those things that either get on your nerves or that you're not going to put up with. And the fact of the matter is, is that baggage comes from more than just intimate relationships. When we talk about baggage, a lot of people automatically start to think about what did this past boyfriend or my ex-husband or this past intimate relationship partner, what did they do to me that I'm carrying into this new relationship, but it's not always those intimate relationships.

Rich:

When I stopped and thought about it on a deeper level, and not just the surface level of I'm perfect. What I had to realize was that I did come into our relationship with, of course, previous relationship issues, but I also came into our relationship with issues from my parents, issues from my siblings, I had trust issues, I had communication issues, I had avoidance issues, I have insecurities, I had all these things that will be labeled as baggage that I brought into our relationship which ultimately turned into our marriage.

Nik:

Mm hmm. Well, I'm going to go so far as to say, and take it for what you want to take it as, is that the way that you were raised, and your childhood probably creates more baggage than any intimate relationship that you ever enter. Because I would, again, be so bold to say that the way that you were raised and your childhood sets the foundation for expectations, for the way that you feel when you're in a relationship, for how you react when certain things happen to you, when you're in a relationship.

Rich:

We can gloss over the childhood stage of our lives. And especially the older we get, because it's like, oh, you know, I have been grown for longer than I was a child, at least in my mind. But reality is those are those foundational years. Those are those building blocks building that foundation, like you said, and what does the Bible say if you build it on sandy ground it's you know, gonna wash away? You know, and I think that a lot of people don't realize that their foundation has been built on, just unstable facts and realities for them. And it creates this house that's just waiting to tip over at some point. So, you have to address it.

Nik:

We underestimate and minimize the amount of impact that our childhood rearing has on our entire lives. We believe as, for whatever reason, I don't know why we believe this, but we believe once we become an adult, all that shit that happened when we were kids doesn't matter or affect us anymore, and it does. Mommy and daddy issues are real. Birth order issues are real. These things are so real that like I said before, when you leave the house and become an adult, that shit carries with you into your first intimate relationships. So, then guess what, that person's not perfect. That person came with their own baggage. So, now you have even more baggage that you're carrying from childhood, your first relationship, your second relationship, into your marriage.

Rich:

A big piece of all of this is you have to recognize and identify and admit, acknowledge that you have issues. Like nobody is perfect, and that's okay. But when we just avoid, and we go from one relationship into our next relationship until we ultimately end up with that person that we say I do, too, right? But we never actually address those baggage issues that we just been dragging behind us, that luggage we just been packing and unpacking and packing and unpacking. If you don't actually deal with it, and address it, it doesn't just go away magically. Like it doesn't matter how much money you make, how much education you have, how great of a spouse you marry, at the end of the day we all have issues and if you aren't going to address them, it just doesn't disappear.

Nik:

And you will never prosper and flourish to your maximum capacity. If you're holding on to baggage. You won't. You think you could be a multi billionaire right now. But if you have baggage, imagine how much more you could have? If that's your metric for success, right? Because everybody's metric for success and happiness is not around finances. But whatever it is, whatever your metric for success is. Imagine how much happier and successful you could be if you did not have that baggage. And it starts with you.

Rich:

Yes.

Nik:

It starts with you. It's easy. I say it all the time, for me to focus on Rich and everything that's wrong about him.

Rich:

Huh?

Nik:

Because I'm perfect. She's perfect

Rich:

She who?

Nik:

She Nik Scott.

Rich:

Shiiii-it. Whatever.

Nik:

She's perfect. So, it's easy for me to you know, call out all his flaws and all the things that are wrong with him, but the truth of the matter is, and I'll say it all the time. I'm gonna keep saying it, y'all. It starts with you Like this marriage is about being the best version of me that I can be. I can only control me. I can't control him. I can't control the baggage that he has. I can help him identify some of it. He might get offended about it.

Rich:

It's all about the delivery, y'all.

Nik:

Oh, goodness.

Rich:

It is. I mean, because it's easy to be like you act just like your mama.

Nik:

Oh, well, I've never said that.

Rich:

No, you haven't. But I'm just giving examples.

Nik:

You've never said that to me either.

Rich:

No, cuz I thought your mom was the bomb. You got me off topic. I think that it's easy to say things at the wrong moment or in the wrong tone. And instead of it being a opportunity for growth, it becomes an argument, or it becomes this defensive battle. And so, to me, it's like it's okay to identify my short comings or those patterns that I may have in my life that, maybe because I don't even notice that they're patterns, but it's how you deliver it.

Nik:

It is it's how you deliver it. And that's part of having a partnership. We're on the same team. I'm not going to say anything to my husband, that's going to hurt him or detriment him. Because ultimately, I'm hurting myself. What's that Beyoncé song? When you lie to me, you lying to yourself. When you hurt me, you're hurting yourself.

Rich:

I've never heard that song.

Nik:

Oh, man. It's on the Lemonade album, I think. It's one of the good songs

Rich:

Halo...

Nik:

No. It's not Halo. That's old. That's old Bey.

Rich:

That's good song.

Nik:

We talked about that new shit that she dropped

Rich:

Up in the club? What's the one she do with Usher?

Nik:

That is, why you keep bringing up them old? Oh, I can't even think of the songs.

Rich:

Them some good ones.

Nik:

Anyway.

Rich:

I don't even listen to Bey. So, be mad at me.

Nik:

I don't either, really. But I did listen to that Lemonade album, I don't know she has new one.

Nik:

But when I do him harm, I'm harming myself. And when you're in a marriage, you have to start to think about it like that when we're talking about how to address each other's baggage. Because let's be clear, most people are not mature enough. I don't care how old you are, how long you've been married, you're not mature enough to hold yourself accountable. And that's why you need your partner to be able to address some of these things out of love. And just because it's out of love doesn't mean it's indirect, or it sugarcoated.

Rich:

That's a great segue into how do you even deal with baggage right? And I mean, you started off by basically saying, look, we've got to identify it. It's important to realize that you have to recognize and acknowledge that you have baggage. Because so many people do walk around like I'm the perfect one in this marriage. I'm the one with no issues. My family's perfect, I'm perfect. Any issues we have in our marriage are you. That type of attitude, you will never start to unpack that baggage because you are just really just pushing it deeper down. And for some people, it's because they really don't want to deal with it. They don't want to address it; they don't want to talk about it. They have learned to avoid conflict at all cost. And that's baggage though. So, to me, you have to start off by acknowledging that there is baggage in every single one of us, all of us are pulling some luggage behind us. And then like I mentioned earlier, you have to pay attention to patterns. Because if you have patterns in your life, if you have patterns, the way you react to things, then that may be related to some baggage that you're carrying.

Nik:

The best way that I can sum up baggage. I'm going to refer to another song, Erykah Badu. I'm not going to sing. I mean, you know, I will sing now.

Rich:

Sing. Let me hear, let me hear it.

Nik:

I'll sing it.

Rich:

Sing it.

Nik:

I'm gonna sing it.

Rich:

Sing it to em, baby.

Nik:

Y'all know what song I'm talking about.

Rich:

Oh, Lord.

Nik:

Is Bag Lady right. Bag lady you gon hurt your back

Rich:

Don't give em no mo. Don't give em no more. That was good. That was good.

Nik:

They ain't ready.

Rich:

Oh Jesus.

Nik:

But the, the lyrics of that song, y'all. When I say if you want it simple, digestible, bite sized, read the lyrics to that song. Because not only does she talk about the detriments of having bag and she's talking to a woman, but this can be for men, too. She's also talking about how freeing it is when you let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go.

Rich:

Yes, yes, in whatever key you would like to let it go in, feel free to let it go.

Rich:

And speaking of keys, communication is key. Because I mean, Nik just kept hitting that, that nail with that hammer when she was just like, you know, as my spouse, she has to talk to me about those things and I have to talk to her about those things. And because if you're not having a conversation about it if you're not trying to work through it, and you just like, oh, well it is how he is. Oh, well it is how she is, then are you really having your best marriage? Are you really living to your fullest when you should accept crap? Like, why just accept it just because?

Nik:

That was good.

Rich:

I know. I be saying some good stuff sometimes. Sometimes, for real y'all. I listen to episodes. And I'm like I said that. Have you ever done that? Where you just be like, dang. That was deep. That was tight.

Nik:

Well, I'm currently transcribing all of our past episodes

Rich:

Oh, that's for all the blind people.

Nik:

No. If you're blind, you can still hear.

Rich:

Oh. It's for all the deaf people.

Nik:

Well, yes, it's, it's partly to make our podcasts more accessible. So, a wider audience can

Rich:

Whiter?

Nik:

No, not whiter, wider audience.

Rich:

Oh. I though you said whiter. I was like I thought we was Black love. Not saying that other people can't listen.

Nik:

And they do.

Rich:

Well, I appreciate that.

Nik:

We're here for everybody. Well, no, not really.

Rich:

Well, honestly though, we are here for marriage.

Nik:

We're here, yeah, if you are married and you want your marriage to be better, you should be here.

Rich:

Yeah, I don't care what race you are.

Nik:

You can take some nuggets. And we have a lot. That's what I was trying to say. Is that we have a lot of good stuff, man, we have some good stuff out there.

Rich:

So, we want to make sure we communicating and want to make sure we're staying positive. Because remember, when you start really getting deep into that luggage, it might be some stuff in that stank, because it's been in there so long. So, you need to be positive.

Nik:

Got some dead bodies in there.

Rich:

Boy, you might, you might have some dead bodies. Who knows? You might have some skeletons in there that you need to solve. You want to stay professional and you know, just really loving and kind and sympathetic.

Nik:

Did you say professional?

Rich:

Yeah,

Nik:

That's like sexual, isn't it?

Rich:

Professional?

Nik:

Yeah.

Rich:

What does that mean? I meant, like, you know, when you are a professional,

Nik:

but why would you be professional in your marriage?

Rich:

Because I would say this. There are times in our lives where we might snap on people that we love for saying the same thing or doing the same thing that if it happened in our work environment in a professional environment, we wouldn't act that way. We would just receive it or listen to it or deal. You know, we might be angry inside, but ain't nobody gonna see it.

Nik:

Yeah, who gonna check me boo.

Rich:

Right. So, I guess what I'm saying when I say be professional is like, don't be so quick to just dismiss it, or to react in a negative way with your spouse just because it's your spouse. Act like that was your boss that said that? Person writing that check?

Nik:

Yeah, because usually she is the boss.

Rich:

Yes, that is true.

Rich:

Finally, if you just can't figure out how to solve it, go get some help. I mean, it does not hurt to get some individual counseling, as well as some professional counseling like, you know, I mean, what I say? Individual counseling, as well as marriage,

Nik:

couples counseling.

Rich:

Couples counseling, yeah. Get some of that.

Nik:

Thanks, so much for tuning in to this week's episode of Naked Proverbs. We want you to truly have a happy marriage. We want you to continue to thrive in your marriages, let go of that baggage and indulge in your spouses on a regular basis. Don't forget to follow the Naked Proverbs on whatever podcasting platform you listen to your podcasts and we will talk to y'all in the next one.

Rich:

Peace.

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